Our friend instantly lost all interest in her date.
There are a million reasons why a guy should pay on the first date, and why you might want to rethink things if he doesn’t. But here’s the SparkNotes version: on a first date, you’re seeing the guy on his best behavior. He should be going out of his way to impress you and show off his good manners, and he knows going into it that the guy picking up the check is what society calls good manners (just like you know that you need to offer to split it). So if he doesn’t even want to go out of his way to make a good impression by picking up the check on the first date, there’s a good chance you’ll be eating at Wendy’s (and picking up the tab) six months from now.
And then there’s the issue that, in this case (and on most first dates), the guy does the inviting. Which means he picks the restaurant. Which means the girl has little control over the price. And when the guy orders everything, she has zero control, and letting her pay half the bill is like asking her to subsidize his splurge.
But this guy did something even more manipulative. When our friend offered to split, he told her the decision was hers to make. This might seem nice, but what he was really doing was making it seem like she had a choice when really he was dumping an awkward nondecision on her. When he says, “It’s up to you,” what’s she going to say? No, you pay?
But our friend actually handled this very well. She said, “I’m gonna let you pick up dinner, and I’ll buy you a drink.”
If you’re under thirty and working in DC, chances are, you’re on a pretty tight budget. And when a guy pulls a move like that, you probably don’t want to see him again. So why blow rent money to pay for a meal you didn’t order just to avoid a potentially awkward situation with a guy you don’t care about?
If you do what our friend did (i.e., tell him you’ll “let him pick this up” and offer to buy him a drink), you avoid the awkwardness. But if grace under pressure isn’t your forte, it’s still better to hold your ground. He got himself into this bill, he can pay his way out. If he insists on your paying, you can say something like, “You know, I didn’t order any of this food, and this is way out of my budget. I’m happy to give you thirty bucks, but I can’t afford to split this with you.”
A guy who acts like this on the first date only gets worse as the relationship goes on. So don’t worry about what he’ll tell his friends and congratulate yourself on getting out early.