Saturday, April 28, 2012

News Roundup: Destination: Marriage. Route: Anybody's Guess

News Roundup: Destination: Marriage. Route: Anybody's GuessWe’ve been putting off posting on that book Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough because 1) we refuse to spend 20 bucks on a book whose title is already putting women in their place and 2) everyone else is doing it.

But a reader sent us an article from The Wall Street Journal (of all places) that talks about the relationship between dating and marriage in the aughts.

The author, Hannah Seligson (who seems to have published her own book called A Little Bit Married: How to Know When It's Time to Walk Down the Aisle or Out the Door), argues that women in our generation have trouble tying the knot because the dating world has become a lawless jungle, and there’s no clear path that leads to the altar.

Here are some highlights:

Society's messages to young women are so mixed that the path to that goal has been obscured and, at times, blocked. Those of us in our 20s and 30s know that dating—and getting into a relationship that leads to marriage—is at turns ambiguous, arduous, perplexing and often heartbreaking.

So why are "Marry Him" and "Committed" flying off the shelves? Because they do what all popular books on the subject have done over the years, decades and even centuries: They lay out rules, treating love, romance and relationships as if they are quantifiable and controllable. To be a young, single woman looking to settle down today is to be in the Wild West of dating history. Daters are ravenous for advice to order the chaos.

Ms. Seligson eventually concludes that there are no hard and fast rules that can help young women conquer the dating world, and that these books only emotionally berate their readers so that when a girl’s done reading the book, she’ll jump on the next penis that looks twice, and, viola, success story.

We agree with Ms. Seligson’s latter point, but on the former, she’s dead wrong.

In concluding that the rules have changed, she perpetuates a pervasive misconception: that human nature has somehow evolved in the last thirty years.

In Ms. Seligson’s world, things were easier for our mothers. When our parents were dating, guys always had one eye on the altar. Now they see marriage as the first day of the end of their lives.

Things may have changed, but it wasn’t because someone hit a magical switch when we entered the new millennium.

Before women’s lib, girls were expected to be chaste and virginal. They went on chaperoned dates. And while they may not have described their behavior as “playing hard to get,” that’s exactly what they were doing. Most guys made marriage a priority because it was the easiest way to get their girlfriends to have sex with them.

After women started staying in school and pursuing careers, they probably put less emphasis on finding a husband. Sure, they might have partaken in free love, but they were also performing surgery and buying expensive cars with their own paychecks, and this was all huge. Marriage isn’t going to seem like the biggest priority to a generation that’s consistently shattering glass ceilings on gender lines, and so they, too, were making guys work for it.

But now most girls enter kindergarten expecting to have a career, and suddenly marriage is a priority again. But because chastity isn’t (and because the media’s constantly telling us that the best way to win a man is to fall in love with him), men have it easier than ever before.

They can sleep with a woman without promising to marry her (and without fear of impregnating her). Girls rearrange their schedules to give them blowjobs. Sure, they might want to get married eventually, but marriage doesn’t provide the advantages that it used to.

And so the “rules” for navigating this new world are actually quite simple. And women do need to hear them. They need to do what women have been doing for generations: They need to play hard to get.

While the books Ms. Seligson discusses certainly seem to offer terrible advice, the concept of dating advice for women is far from flawed.

We just need better teachers.

How To Start a Facebook Chat With Someone You Like

Does your heart skip a beat when you see the green dot beside your crush`s name on Facebook? Does your heart sink when you have no clue how to start an online chat session with him or her? Don`t worry, you are not alone. If you are interested in someone for dating purposes, there are a few things can say besides saying hello to get her attention.

How To Start a Facebook Chat With Someone You Like

- Start off by saying hey and asking how they are doing. Don`t bombard them with loads of questions because they might find you to be a tad bit too pushy or they might realize that you have planned this facebook chat, which would be super embarrassing for you.

-Make sure to use emoticons when you are chatting with them for the first time. It`s sad to say but everything seems to get lost in translation without a smiley face or LOL. You want them to know you are easy going and are open to great chatting conversations.

-Don`t ask them out right away. By doing this, you are telling the other person that you are too cowardly to ask them out in person. Although people live by their text messages and facebook chats, they still want to be asked out face to face. You don`t want to seem desperate and pathetic. So keep the conversation light and make sure to follow up every few days or so.

-Just be yourself. Make sure not use too many LOL`s or LMAO`s. Not everything is funny. Ask engaging questions people wouldn`t generally ask online. By doing so, you are standing out from the crowd.

Making a Guy Jealous (Part III)

Making a Guy Jealous (Part III)We spent the last two days talking about bringing up other guys in the presence of a potential partner, and we’d be remiss if we didn’t talk about the other side of the issue: what to do if a guy brings up his ex/other girls in front of you.

It’s a little more cut and dry, but if you’re seeing a guy, and he brings up a girl, it’s generally pretty bad news.

Let’s say, for example, that the guy you’re dating casually mentions going to a club with his friends last weekend and the hot girls who are “all over him.”

This is totally disrespectful, and while you might think you’ll look cool and nonchalant if you don’t make a big deal of it, you’ll also look like you don’t have a lot of self-respect.

He might not be testing you, but your response does reveal how much he can get away with. Don’t laugh or play along or point out his total lack of manners—change the subject as quickly as you can, but, more importantly, unless he goes out of his way to make up for this gaffe, you should probably write this guy off.

When you first start seeing someone, it’s unrealistic to expect him to stop looking immediately. But when he goes out of his way to bring up his extra-curricular activities, he’s basically bragging about being an asshole, and if he’s doing that on the first or second date, you don’t wanna see what he’s like 6 months from now.

Ex-girlfriends are a different story. Yes, it’s tacky and bad manners to bring them up, especially in front of a new girl, but the intent is usually far from malicious in situations like this.

If a guy spent three years with a girl, he’s probably going to have a lot of anecdotes that start with, “My ex…”

And while you might be too savvy to make this mistake, he might honestly not realize there’s anything wrong with talking about a person who was a huge part of his life for a time.

If he’s bringing her up every five minutes or giving you the impression that he’s still totally in love with her, that’s one thing, but if he’s just mentioning her off-hand, you just need to take control of the conversation and remove her completely.

If he says, “Yeah, my ex turned me on to 30 Rock,” get off the topic of Liz Lemon immediately—say something like, “Yeah, did you hear about her lifetime achievement award thing at the Kennedy Center?”

Don’t let him get into a conversation about her—you don’t have to be rude or abrupt about it, and don’t say anything like, “Let’s not talk about your ex,” just ask him a question that takes the conversation in a totally different direction.

Survey the District: How Long?

Survey the District: How Long?Dear Date the District,

OK, I feel like this is the oldest question in the book, but how long should you wait before sleeping with a new guy? Let me explain: I always wait three dates to bring a guy home. But I don’t want to sleep with him after only three dates. We always mess around, usually naked, but I stop him before he goes all the way. And then it gets weird. He either tries to go further, or just gets up and leaves, and, either way, it’s never the same after. Are guys expecting me to sleep with them on the third date? Should I just get over my prudishness?

The Not-Quite-So-Virgin Mary

It’s not how long you wait to sleep with a guy, it’s how you go about waiting.

While it’s good to postpone the inevitable, setting arbitrary rules (like the 3-date minimum) isn’t going to get you what you want. Let’s take a look at why.

First, let’s state the obvious: sex is a game. A lot of people don’t like to admit this, but it is. It's biological in its origins: guys are looking to spread their seeds far and wide to further the human race in genetically diverse combinations, while girls can only reproduce with one partner every nine months. So it makes sense that, in general, guys want to play the field, while girls are looking for something a little more stable. That means we have two different teams (men and women) with two different objectives (lots of promiscuous sex, exclusivity) and no way to compromise. Sorry, but that's a game.

Guys win this game all the time. They find a girl, convince her to play a few rounds of hide the sausage, and start looking for the next girl. Girls end up crying and wondering what went wrong.

Even girls who aren't looking for a relationship still have a hard time getting what they want. Every girl wants to hook up with someone who, at the very least, is nice to her and acts like he's interested. But because guys are less likely to get attached, they're less likely to adhere to any standards of polite behavior.

So, if you're a girl, how can you win the game?

If the object of the game, for a guy, is sex, the first step is to keep him from winning. That's right: withhold sex for as long as possible.

You seem to understand this, in theory, Mary. But you’re going about doing it in the wrong way. Inviting a guy back to your room and grinding all over him in a tiny thong and then saying, "I don't wanna have sex with you—yet" isn't withholding sex, it's being a huge cock tease. When you're practically, but not technically, having sex, guys aren't thinking, “Wow, I really respect her for holding out.” They're just frustrated. They've seen you naked, they have a pretty good sense of what sex with you is going to be like, and they're annoyed that you let it get this far and don't want to go all the way. Almost all the mystery is gone, and what little is left is irritating, not alluring.

And when you tell him things like, “I won’t sleep with you until we’re exclusive,” you’re not helping your case, either. Everyone wants what they can’t have: an expensive purse, your best friend's boyfriend, a six-figure salary with three month’s vacation. If a guy isn’t sure whether or not he’s gonna score with you, he wants it more.

Remember when you were a kid, and you really wanted the new My Magic Diary for Christmas? If your parents told you it was coming, it wasn’t that big of a deal, and Christmas didn’t seem that far away. But if you weren’t sure whether or not it would be under the tree, the days between Thanksgiving and December 25 passed by at an agonizingly slow pace. All you could think about was how cool you would look with the My Magic Diary, and how badly you wanted it.

It’s the same way with guys. If they know they can sleep with you after three dates, the game loses the excitement. And it’s like the present you knew was coming: you played with it a few times, and then you forgot about it. The guy who knows how to get what he wants will make sure he gets it a few times, but then he’ll go out and find something else that wasn’t as easy.

So keep your flirtations public for as long as possible. You can hold hands on the street. You can kiss at a bar. But as soon as you take it back to your room, everything that you won’t do becomes a tease.

There’s no magic rule for how long you should wait. My rule of thumb is: at least a month. But if you’re only seeing each other once or twice a week, you should probably wait longer.

That way, when you do decide it’s time to take it “someplace a little more quiet,” you don’t have to worry about stopping things before they get too far.

The Hardest Part of Breaking Up Is Actually Doing It (Part II)

The Hardest Part of Breaking Up Is Actually Doing It (Part II)Second scenario: the blind date you went out with a few times

Or the guy who asked you out in Potbelly’s, the friend of a friend you met in Adams Morgan, whatever.

Unfortunately, you can’t take the e-asy way out, and you have to respond using whatever form of communication he used to contact you.

Again, wait until he asks you out again. There’s nothing more embarrassing than calling someone to say, “This isn’t working” and having him say, “I know… that’s why I never called you again.”

The good news is, if he sends you a text to propose dinner, you can respond in kind. The bad news is, if he calls you (or, even worse, leaves a voicemail), you have to respond in kind. (But don’t break up with him via voicemail—just leave him a message asking him to return your call.)

You can use the whole, “I’m not looking to get involved line” we talked about before. But here’s where we advocate being a little bit more straight-forward.

If you’re reading this blog, there’s a good chance that you’re still looking for “The One,” and there’s an even better chance that you’ve been devastated when a guy that you felt like you really hit it off with gives you the vague brush-off.

When you say, “I’m not looking for something right now,” you’re giving this guy hope for the future. And it’s a lot easy to get over someone when you don’t have any lingering mysteries to obsess over.

Say (or text) something like, “I had a lot of fun with you. You’re a really cool guy, and it’s so awesome that I finally met someone else who appreciates the genius of Born Rich! But I want to be honest with you: I don’t think this is going to work.”

If he asks why, or what he did wrong, or anything else (and if you’re on the phone, you can bet he will), spin it around. Say something like, “I just hate when you go out with someone and they kind of start blowing you off/playing games, so I just wanted to be up front. It’s not anything in particular, I just don’t like taking the easy way out when I know something’s not going to work.”

Most guys will probably be caught off-guard, and some will be grateful for your straightforwardness. In an ideal world, they might even thank you. But if we lived in an ideal world, we wouldn’t be writing this blog, and if he starts getting angry or defensive, say, “Look, I’m sorry if I upset you, but I need to go,” and get off the phone.

Thursday News Roundup: 10 Great Guy Movies A Gal Can Earn Serious Points For Loving

Thursday News Roundup: 10 Great Guy Movies A Gal Can Earn Serious Points For LovingThe Frisky has some awesome advice on how to score your next boyfriend: fake an interest in male-oriented movies!

This is almost as brilliant as pretending to like sports, except better because you get high school intern writer Kelli Bender’s insightful analysis into movies that are actually awesome and not specifically targeted at either gender.

The Big Lebowski? Lets guys vicariously live their ultimate fantasy (becoming The Dude, not driving a fancy car, banging hot women, or, oh, anything else that most guys fantasize about) “while also delivering a naked Julianne Moore [and] ball jokes!” Oh—and don’t forget the “dynamite dialogue” (notice the alliteration???)!

The Godfather? “You are risking social scorn is [sic] you go on with life having not [sic-ish] seen it.” Why? “It is an important and excellent film that also features Diane Keaton looking young and fabulous.”

Goodfellas? “As with most Martin Scorsese movies, there is also an awesome soundtrack.” But the best part of the movie? “It is also amusing to see that even crime overlords can get put in their place by their wives.”

Field of Dreams? The film also shows men that no matter how old they get, or how lost they feel, extraordinary things can still happen.” Ms. Bender then goes on to refer to Field of Dreams as a “film” and urges you to watch your movie with your guy (wait, wasn’t this supposed to help you meet guys?) , because it might give you the chance to see him cry! (Sexy!)

The Usual Suspects? “It is a man-powered mystery full of suspense, swear words, and scheming.” And you’ll like it because, “It also has Kevin Spacey doing what he does best—being an amazing actor/human being.”

Ms. Bender’s skill as a film critic aside, this is actually a horrible way to meet guys. That’s because most straight guys are actually looking to date girls, not guys.

If a guy wanted to date someone who locked himself in his room for March Madness, drank beer, and enjoyed a good fart joke, he’d date one of his guy friends. After all, a girl pretending to like all these things is just a watered-down version of an actual male.

We’ve talked about this before: guys are better than we are at separating friendship from sexual desire.So if you buy season tickets to The Nationals, he might think you’re the coolest girl he’s met, but you’re still going to be his coolest girl (space) friend.

If a guy finds a girl who behaves exactly like a guy, he’s going to treat her like a guy. He’ll befriend her, but he won’t necessarily try to sleep with her.

Besides, when you spend too much time pretending to be something you’re not (i.e., a sports/guy-movie fanatic), you ooze self-consciousness, and guys are more attracted to girls that are confident and secure in who they are. Yes, that sounds like cheesy advice your mom gave you when you told her 16 was too old to still be carrying a pink lunchbox to school, but it’s also true.

When you act like the real you isn’t worth showing, people can pick up on that. And they assume that the real you isn’t worth knowing. But when a guy sees a girl walk into the bar with a pink lunchbox like she owns the place, he unconsciously picks up on her body language, which tells his brain, “This girl is HOT!”

So if you want to attract a guy, tell him that you think Field of Dreams is about male athletes’ latent homosexual desires.

OK, maybe don’t take it that far, but you get the point.

Friday, April 27, 2012

Survey the District: Should I Be a Rebound?

Survey the District: Should I Be a Rebound?Dear Date the District,

Is it wrong to initiate with a guy who just broke up with his girlfriend of four years? Details are needed here I guess, he's given signs, very obvious signs. But he seems down about his breakup. I feel like I would totally be taking advantage of him...but is that technically wrong?

(Full disclosure: today’s question comes from one of our best and oldest friends.)

Is it wrong? Absolutely not.

When it comes to dating, you can take advantage of people sexually. You can take advantage of their emotional vulnerabilities.

But it’s not taking advantage if you’re trying to date him. Unless you intoxicate and/or drug a guy, it’s pretty hard to manipulate him into dating you. If he doesn’t want a relationship, he’s a guy—we’re sure he has plenty of moves in his repertoire to avoid a relationship.

The real question is, is the potential of this turning into a rebound relationship more of an issue for you than it is for him?

Four years is a long time. And regardless of who broke up with whom, he probably has a few symptoms of PBS (post breakup stress) that leave him less than primed for a relationship.

When two people are together for four years, they develop certain habits that begin to feel very comfortable. They sleep in the same bed every night, they serve as each other’s sounding boards for the most boring minutiae that no one else wants to listen to (OMG line at Potbelly’s out the door—should I try corner bakery?), and they always have someone to hang out with on an eventless Friday night.

After a breakup, both parties need something to fill that void. They could develop hobbies, make more of an effort to hang out with their friends, teach their parents how to use T9 word, or… find a replacement partner.

The replacement is obviously the easiest solution to the problem. At first, it feels like you just need a body to fill that space. One fix solves all problems. After all, your hobbies won’t take you to the E Street Cinema, and your parents won’t sleep in your bed every night.

But as a rebound relationship progresses, the rebounder usually starts to notice differences between the reboundee and his ex. The reboundee might not race to read the New Yorker review of the movie the second she leaves the theater. And maybe the rebounder hatedit when his ex did that. But now that the reboundee is trying to fill the ex’s shoes, every difference becomes an issue.

These feelings are rarely conscious and/or deliberate (especially if he was the one who called things off). But no matter how bad things were at the end, every relationship is made up of certain habits and routines. And routines tend to make us feel comfortable. They establish some measure of normalcy in our lives, no matter how destructive they are in the long run.

After the breakup, we lose that normalcy. And the easiest way to get it back is to recreate the relationship—fatal flaws and all.

That’s why you don’t want to be the rebound girl. You’re setting yourself up to recreate a relationship that failed.

But that’s not to say that you can’t have a relationship with a guy who’s on the rebound. You just have to make sure you aren’t playing the part of his ex-girlfriend.

This means taking things slowly. Don’t fall into couple-y habits too quickly. Don’t start spending every night at his place. Don’t accompany him to the farmer’s market every Sunday.

Don’t pry, but listen carefully when he talks about his ex. And then make a conscious effort to distinguish yourself. If he mentions that he and his ex used to go on runs together, don’t immediately offer to be his new jogging buddy.

When you’re pursing a guy that’s getting over a relationship, more than anything else, you need to make him feel like he’s becoming a part of your life, not the other way around. Make him adjust to your schedule and your needs. Don’t go out of your way to accommodate his.

Missed Connection of the Day: Farragut West Stop---Blue & White Plaid Shirt Man

Missed Connection of the Day: Farragut West Stop---Blue & White Plaid Shirt ManThe picture makes this post.

Farragut West Stop---Blue & White Plaid Shirt Man - w4m - 18 (Farragut West Metro Stop)

I entered the same metro car as you at court house around 11:45am, headed to my internship at national geographic. you were already sitting, listening to music, but glanced up at me when i entered. i almost chose to sit next to you, but your bag was on the seat beside you...*sigh* you were handsome with wavy dark brown hair, brown eyes [i believe], and were wearing a blue and white plaid shirt. we both got off at the Farragut West stop...and both took the elevator to the 17th street exit. i smirked b/c you were walking behind me. we should've walked together! i'm attaching a photo of myself so maybe you can identify me...i'm assuming you work around the area that i do, so maybe we could grab some coffee sometime. dunno how old you are...i'm thinking early 20 to mid-ish 20s. if you see this, verify what color clothing i was wearing...i was only wearing one color...so hopefully you remember.

Survey the District: How Can I Make Concrete Plans?

Survey the District: How Can I Make Concrete Plans?Dear Date the District,

I met a friend of a friend a couple of weeks ago, and he invited me to his birthday party the night after we met. I was tentative about being able to make it, so I told him I was busy. He fell of the face of the earth for a few days, and then the next Saturday around 5, told me he was going to a specific bar that night, and wanting to know if I had plans. A friend of mine from college was in town, and I had plans with her. Again, we texted back and forth a bit. Fast forward to this Friday, and I get a text from him in the afternoon, asking what I'm up to that night. I told him I was going out with co-workers and where we'd be, also asking what he's up to that night. No response, but text again this morning, saying he fell asleep early but he's going out to Fenway tonight and to let him know if I wanted to meet up for a drink. I suggested a bar, since I was going to a party there later that night, and he wrote back saying that he has to be in Fenway for a friend's birthday so he can't come to Cambridge. And then I ended up saying that I'm probably not going out because my dinner plans were running late and I'm kind of tired, and we texted back and forth again a bit. The past few weeks, our text conversations ended with things like "yes, let's hang out next week" but not this time, instead talking about something about our mutual friend.

So the real dilemma is that this has turned into this stalemate, with neither of us wanting to budge--I don't really like playing by his "you can come meet me where I am" rules, and the lack of notice. I feel slightly awkward going to a bar and meeting all his friends (since I'd have to gather a bunch of my friends too, which is not that easy to do on like 4 hours notice). I'm pretty busy, and I don't want him to think that I don't want to hang out with him, and I don't like feeling guilty about having to constantly say no, but I'm not really sure how to express this to him. Really--I'd just want to get coffee and chat with him for an hour. Should I just suggest that outright? Thoughts? 

This problem comes up a lot when you meet someone new—guy or girl, friend or potential love interest. Once you’ve been living in a city for a while, you have friend groups, haunts, habits, and it’s hard to figure out where this new guy will fit in.

You’re right to avoid going to a bar alone to meet up with a group of his friends. That’s just begging for things to get awkward, for you to get clingy, and for him to feel like he has to entertain you when he might want to talk to his friends. Plus there’s the fact that when guys go out with their friends, they tend to get wasted, and nothing ruins things like watching him puke and rally.

The ideal situation would be to bring a group of your friends to meet up with a group of his friends. But it can be hard to pull a group together so last minute, and even harder to convince your friends to venture out of their neighborhoods (plus, doesn’t the T close at like 9 p.m. these days?).

You’re doing the right things so far. You’re busy, and you’re not dropping everything to spend a few minutes with him. Which shows him that you have a life, that you have tons of people who want to hang out with you, and, most importantly, that you’re not desperate. This is probably why he keeps texting you—if you’re so awesome that you have plans every night of the week, who wouldn’t want in on that?

It’s great that he suggested meeting up for a drink before he went out. And it’s great that you suggested a bar on your turf. Make him come to you, so that he feels like he has to work for your company (and appreciates it all the more when he gets it).

Keep things going in this vein. If he suggested a drink before, he’ll probably bring it up again, and maybe this time you can suggest a place that’s a little closer to his side of the river (without venturing into the territory that celebrates Evacuation Day).

But don’t text him and ask him to get a cup of coffee. That’s asking him out, which we never advocate because it makes you look super available, and super interested (which is super not sexy).

Guys usually don’t agonize about this stuff as much as girls do. So definitely don’t verbalize (or textualize) your guilt about not being able to hang out with him. Like we said before, your unavailability is probably part of the appeal—wanting something he feels like he can’t have.

He’s probably not obsessing over why you’re busy, and if you show him that you are, you’re also admitting that you spend a lot of time thinking about him.

If he wants it badly enough, he’ll head over to the People’s Republic of Cambridge. And the only way you’re going to inspire that kind of lust is by keeping up what you’re doing—living your life, and letting him adjust his schedule accordingly. 

How Many Photos Do You Put On Your Online Dating Profile?

How Many Photos Do You Put On Your Online Dating Profile?Since we live in a time where we welcome the overabundance of photos of ourselves on social media networks, it can be a tad bit daunting to figure out how many photos of ourselves we should put on our free dating profiles on popular dating sites.

Believe it or not, there are certain rules one should abide by to successfully attract singles to your online profile. Remember, a picture says a thousand words and it can say a lot about you.

Here are some guidelines to following when adding pictures to your online dating profile:

-Your photos should also reflect your unique personality. I would also recommend you put no more than five photos online. It is important to also remain somewhat mysterious and elusive so you can attract a single who wants to get to you know you a little better.

-Never crop out your friends in pictures. By putting up a photo with a lot of friends, a hot single will look at your profile and appreciate the fact that you are a social butterfly.

-Full body photos are a must! Let`s face it: First impressions are based on looks. You don`t want to deceive your future date with just a face photo hiding your beer gut. If you have a body to show off, then flaunt it!

-Have a candid photo of you involving your favorite hobby. Whether it is mountain watching, playing the piano or doing stand up comedy. By showing off your interests and talents, you are bound to attract someone immediately.

-Keep it PG! No shirtless photos and no photos of you making out with someone. Unless you want to just hookup with someone, I would avoid these kind of photos all together.

Follow these guidelines and you`ll find a date in no time!

Thursday, April 26, 2012

How to Improve the Dating World

How to Improve the Dating WorldYesterday, we had a heated gchat debate with one of our (male) readers, who posed a very thoughtful question. He asked us, if we could change one that would improve male-female relationships/dating and people’s overall happiness, what would it be?

Our short answer was: level the playing field.

In our experience, the average man is a lot better at playing hard to get than the average woman. You exchange numbers with a guy on your kickball team and he sporadically returns your texts. You go on one date with a guy and it takes him a week to get back to you.

Women, on the other hand, are often eager to shower their love interests with attention. They text the guy they met at Local 16 last weekend at noon to say how his day’s going, because they wish he would do the same for them.

Men, on the other hand, seem to realize that, if you want a girl to pay attention to you, your best bet is to ignore her.

The more a guy ignores you and the more that you question whether or not he likes you, the more you tend to convince yourself that he’s the one for you. The more time and energy you put into pursuing and/or fantasizing about someone, the more your brain (which has a tendency to assume that we really desire things we put a lot of effort into) thinks, “I must be in love with this person.”

The harder we work for something, the bigger the payoff. So when you finally snag the guy you’ve been pining after for months, it feels great.

If both sides could play hard to get and take it slow, the buildup would convince each side that he/she was in love with the other. And when they finally got together, overall happiness/satisfaction would increase because they’d finally be getting something they wanted for so long.

Of course, passion and desire aren’t going to make a relationship last. Compatibility, which we basically boil down to shared values and common interests, goes a lot further than a fluttering stomach. But it’s harder to evaluate compatibility when you’re drunk on lust.

In the end, we’re not sure what we’d change. Perhaps it’s better to learn how to work the current system so that it all works out in your favor.

News Roundup: Katherine Chloe Cahoon

News Roundup: Katherine Chloe Cahoon There’s a new hack-who’s-so-bad-it’s-good in town, and she’s here to save American women from the horrors of dating men with a blue passport.

Vanderbilt graduate Katherine Chloe Cahoon has discovered the secret to a great love life, and it’s as easy as hopping the pond.

According to Cahoon (who, by the way, cannot interview a single “subject” without uncontrollably giggling), European men are more romantic. (That’s what we assume she wants us to conclude, anyway—her video is just a collection of “interviews” that look more like super-awkward first dates with no conclusion/message.)

We have a feeling Cahoon made this video for the sole purpose of talking to the men in the video, and the results are hilarious. Highlights include her secret to meeting European men (the nonlocational “sports”), and you have to watch just to hear the answer to the hard-hitting “What do men from the Balkan peninsula love most?”

 (And the Frenchman she picked, who’s about as sexy as the Parisian Metro at rush hour.) 

OK, in all serious, we touched on this a bit before in our post on dating men with accents, but setting out to date a man who can get you into the EU is like picking a college based on the sweatshirts.

If you fall in love with a Frenchman, great. But if you limit your search to guys who call it the “American War of Independence,” you’re really shrinking your pool of eligible bachelors. It’s hard enough to find someone you click with in your zip code—why make it worse?

There’s also the cultural barrier. If the ultimate goal in a relationship is understanding, you have to do a lot more work to get there when the guy you’re dating has never heard of Sesame Street.

That’s not to say that two people from different countries can’t have wonderful, meaningful relationships—if they couldn’t, we wouldn’t be around to write this blog today.

But going out and looking for a relationship that, by definition, presents more challenges than most is a different story.

Don’t turn down a date just because he’s British. But don’t turn down an American just because he isn’t.

Reading His Mind

Reading His MindWhen a guy’s doing something you don’t like, it’s natural to want to figure out why he’s ignoring your texts or making out with your best friend.

Just take this conversation we overheard on the Red line last night:

Girl: So, last night I texted Brian, just, you know, to say hi—

Her friend: What did you say?

Girl: I was just like, “Hey, what’re you up to tonight?”

Her friend: What’d he say?

Girl: He never responded!

Her friend: What a dick!

Girl: No, like, I think the thing is, I think he might not be over his ex-girlfriend.

Her friend: Oh.

Girl: Yeah, like, I was looking at his Facebook, and there were all these pictures of him with this super hot blonde. She was, like, really cute, and looked like tons of fun. And I Googled her and she works for some big law firm, so she’s obviously really successful and stuff.

Her friend: Yeah.

Girl: And remember how I was telling you that he told me last weekend that he really wasn’t look for a relationship?

Her friend: Oh yeah.

Girl: I bet it’s because of her, you know? Like, I bet she totally broke his heart by dumping him for some hot-shot lawyer.

Her friend: Maybe…

Girl: And I wonder if, like, when I was starting to tell him that I liked him last weekend, if that maybe freaked him out.

Her friend: Could be…

Girl: So, maybe he’s trying to, like, play things cool so he doesn’t get too attached to me.

Her friend: Yeah.

Girl: I mean, also, he could have swine flu.

Her friend: You can still respond to a text with swine flu.

Girl: I’ve heard your fever gets so high you forget your own name.

Her friend: Really?

Girl: Well, he could just not be that into me.

Her friend: Ohmygod I’m sure that’s not it.

Girl: Yeah. You’re right. It’s probably swine flu.

This conversation made us cringe, for multiple reasons. But our first reaction was: these girls just wasted five minutes of their lives.

There are so many “what not to do’s” we could point out about this conversation, but the most striking of them is this: it’s not worth trying to figure out why Brian was ignoring her calls.

Most of us can’t read minds, a fact that frustrates scorned lovers to no end. After all, wouldn’t it be so much easier to move on if you knew why he was treating you like shit?

Maybe it would be, but no amount of Facebook stalking or drunk texting will ever reveal what’s going on in his head. Which makes any speculation on your part an utterly useless pursuit.

This applies to analyzing behavior too. If a guy tells you he doesn’t want to see you any more, it’s natural to wonder why he also told you he still loves you. And when a guy spends $200 on your first date, but then doesn’t call you for a month, you want to create the story that explains everything.

But even if you were to get him to “open up” to you about what went wrong, it’d be no more revealing than a suggestive wall-to-wall. People lie. They do things that don’t make sense. They tell you that they want to take you to Paris when they have no intention of ever seeing you again.

Actions may speak louder than words, but they still don’t tell you what a guy’s thinking. That’s why it’s not worth trying to figure out what a romantic first date or an intimate conversation “means:” you’ll never really know.

Once you start trying to read his mind, it’s hard to stop. You’ll probably never reach any conclusions you can truly believe, which means you’ll spend more and more time trying to “figure him out.” The closer he is to the forefront of your mind, the harder it is to move on if things don’t work out.

The key to healthy relationships and speedy breakup recoveries is thinking about the other person less, not more. If you spend too much time obsessing over a new guy, you build him up to something he can never be. And if you waste time thinking about what went wrong with an ex, you prevent yourself from moving on.

This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t ever think about him/your relationship. In fact, you should spend time analyzing the situation and figuring out how you think things are going. But when your analysis turns towards his thoughts and feelings, you start asking questions you’ll never find answers to.

Instead of trying to figure out what he’s thinking (which you’ll never know), focus on what he’s doing. And adjust your behavior accordingly.

If he’s taking you on dates and calling to say hi, keep seeing him. If he waits three weeks to text you, don’t respond.

There’s no direct line to another person’s stream of consciousness. It’s not hidden in the next Facebook photo or his track times from high school.

You’re never going to know anything with 100 percent certainty, and that includes his motives, his intentions, and his opinions of you. And no amount of obsessive analysis will change that.

So stop trying to figure out what he’s thinking.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Don't Call Him Your Ex

Don't Call Him Your ExWhen you invest time and energy into a relationship, the person you’re dating becomes a part of your life. This person/experience usually changes you in some ways, and even if the relationship ends, you still have new memories, ideas, and maybe even outlooks as a direct result of the time you spent with this person.

These things don’t stop being relevant when the relationship ends. Let’s say you spent the last summer at your boyfriend’s house in Edgartown, and coworker starts talking about a Vineyard trip she’s planning. Of course you want to tell her the best ferry parking lot, but somehow it comes out like this, “My ex has a place on the island—I used to go there all the time. The thing is, when you drive in to the ferry parking area, they’re going to direct you to the lot…”

What information wasn’t relevant? The fact that he’s your ex-boyfriend. From your coworker’s point of view, does it make one iota of difference whether it was your ex-boyfriend or third cousin who summered on the liberal man’s Nantucket?

When you call him “my ex-boyfriend,” you’re drawing attention to the breakup. For no reason. It makes it seem like you’re not over it, like you still think of him romantically (which, if you’re describing him in terms of your past relationship, you probably do), possibly even like you’re bitter.

There’s nothing less attractive than someone who seems hung up on a failed relationship. You never hear, “There’s nothing sexier than a guy who won’t shut up about his ex.”

Dwelling on the past is never something we look for in new partners.  A new relationship is nothing if not hope for happiness in the future. And while dropping the ex bomb might not be the same thing as spending three hours crying about it to a total stranger, it’s not helping anything either.

You’re not gaining anything by calling him your ex, and you’re not losing anything by using an ambiguous term, like “friend.”

“Ex-boyfriend” is a word with negative connotations. “Friend” is, at the very least, neutral, and usually positive.

So why not tell people it was your friend who got you tickets to the Modest Mouse show, who introduced you to Gogol, who let you crash at his parent’s apartment in the city.

At the very least, you’ll come across as more of an optimist, and you won’t get branded as that crazy girl who starts every sentence with, “Well, my ex-boyfriend used to say…”

The Ten Advantages To Facebook Flirting

The Ten Advantages To Facebook FlirtingRemember the days when your heart broke when you forgot to get your crush`s number? Or perhaps you remember the days when you looked through an annoying chain letter from a mutual friend forwarded to you only to guess your crush`s email address from the contact list. Thanks to Facebook, we never have to worry about those humiliations again because Facebook has become one of the best free online dating sites in the world.

Here are ten reasons everybody can benefit from a little Facebook flirting:

1. You never have to ask someone for their number when you can look them up on Facebook. This is great because if they don`t like you in return, the blow is not as hard.

2. Profile pictures really do help you when you met someone at a nightclub and want to see how they really look like with sober eyes.

3. You can get the dirt on your crush through all your "mutual friends" on Facebook.

4. Next to cheesy talk shows, Facebook is the best way to reunite with a high school sweetheart.

5. Your blind dates are no longer blind when you can check out your date`s Facebook profile beforehand.

6. Facebook informs you when your crush`s just went from ‘in a relationship` to ‘single` status.

7. It`s easy to keep tabs on them and see if they`re flirting with anyone else.

8. You can browse through your friends` photo albums in search of eligible suitors.

9. You can find out which parties your crush is going to!

10. Rejecting people has never been so simple! Two words: Accept and Ignore.

Scoring Sunday's Nuptials: DC Edition

Scoring Sunday's Nuptials: DC EditionIf you’re a girl and you’re bored at work on Mondays, chances are, you scan the NYTime’s Wedding Section and make fun of the profiled blushing brides.

And if you identify with all of the above and also hold a liberal arts degree (e.g., pottery making, beading, English), you’re probably already very familiar with Gawker’s Nuptial Roundup. But for the rest of us, Gawker writers/editors basically do the same Monday morning wedding planning that you do, only better (but if you were getting paid to do it, you’d probably be just as snarky).

This week, Gawker pitted couples against couples in an NCAA-style bracket, jealousy(but actually probably closer to self-loathing)-induced hilarity ensued.

We thought: if they can do it in New York, we can do it in DC. But turns out we were wrong. Very wrong.

To start, the Post only publishes three weddings a week, so we had to include the past two weeks to come up with an interesting bracket. Then we followed Gawker’s lead and ranked them by column length.

Quarterfinals: How They Met

Semifinals: The Proposal

Finals: The Wedding

Quarterfinals: How They Met

Richard Imirowicz and Terrance Heath (1) vs. Carry Galnar and Gustav “Gus” Evler (6)

Imirowicz and Heath are a gay, biracial couple with two kids and a two-page online spread on their recent DC marriage. Does it even matter how they met? Unfortunately, it does, and the fact that they met on an “AOL dating site” doesn’t bode well for them. Galnar and Evler met in Princeton, NJ—but wait: while the bridegroom was supping in dinner clubs and waxing poetic in ivy-lined halls, the bridegroom was attending Westminster Choir College. Heard of it? Neither have we.

Winner: Richard Imirowicz and Terrance Heath (1)

Jennifer Heyman and Jared Okan (2) vs. Jim Beller and Chris Wolf (5)

The Heyman-Okan team met in Hebrew school, and Wolf caught Beller’s eye at a dinner party. Wow. Can you get any more normal? This round’s headed into overtime, and the tie-breaker? Pick-up line. Beller offered Wolf unnecessarily cutlery, while Okan said, “We should date” (and then the script said to which Heyman replied, “Let’s give it a shot").

Winner: Jim Beller and Chris Wolf (5)

Adrienne Skipoora and Alex Skuttlerman (3) vs. Jessika Twodder and Phillip Sedoze (4)

Skipoora and Skuttlerman met on Jdate and had their first date on Christmas day. Twodder and Sedoze met at a glorified frat party.

Winner: Adrienne Skipoora and Alex Skuttlerman (3)

Semifinals: The Proposal

Richard Imirowicz and Terrance Heath (1) vs. BYE

According to the article, they’d kind of already been married twice when they got gay married in DC (and the second time was on a “Rosie O'Donnell cruise for gay families”), so Imirowicz and Heath squeak by on a lucky bye.

Winner: Richard Imirowicz and Terrance Heath (1)

Adrienne Skipoora and Alex Skuttlerman (3) vs. Jim Beller and Chris Wolf (5)

Skuttlerman proposed to Skipoora on an early-morning beach stroll in Costa Rica. He gets negative points for creativity, but luckily, his opponents also seem to have skipped the proposal (though the article tries to gloss over this by throwing random boring facts—like the fact that both are fourth-generations Washingtonians—in the “proposal” section). Which is too bad, because, despite the low seed, the Beller-Wolf team was becoming a crowd favorite.

Winner: Adrienne Skipoora and Alex Skuttlerman (3)

Finals: The Wedding

Richard Imirowicz and Terrance Heath (1) vs. Adrienne Skipoora and Alex Skuttlerman

Skipoora and Skuttlermanbought their chuppah at Home Depot; Imirowicz and Heath, despite loosing points for taking their kids to Clydes post-nuptials, got married on the first day it was legal in DC at what sounds like the most afterlife-obsessed nondenominational church in DC: All Souls Unitarian Church.

Winner: Richard Imirowicz and Terrance Heath (1)

Conclusion: Unlike their New York counterparts, Washingtonians are a lot more like you and me. They come from families that don’t have their own Wikipedia pages, they have actual jobs, and they don’t blow half their trust fund on nuptial floral arrangements. In other words, they’re more boring. It seems like we’ll have to leave the wedding pages to the New Yorkers, but don’t worry! We’ve still got… the White House?

Got a Question?

Got a Question?We need questions for our Friday feature: Survey the District. If you have a question about sex/dating/relationships, e-mail us at datethedistrict@gmail.com.

The What Spot?

The What Spot?Today we`re going to have a g-spot along with the clitoris can create a more intense orgasm. It often responds to firm and direct pressure. When doing this, begin moving your fingers over the spot in a "come here" motion. When it comes to stimulation this zone during sex, missionary wont do it. Try to choose positions that angle your penis towards the front of the vagina wall.

The U-spot: The lesser known U-spot is the small patch of tissue located just about the urethral opening. Gently caressing this spot can provide powerful sensations.

The-A spot: This is the patch of tissue at the inner end of the vaginal wall just about the cervix. When there is pressure on this zone, it can lead to rapid vaginal lubrication and arousal. Continued stimulation of this area can produce amazing orgasmic contractions.

So, now that you know all the tricks of the trade, you will be sure to have mind blowing sex with your dating partner. If you`re looking to date, this is the best way to get a woman hooked.

Survey the District: He Just Said No to Sex

Survey the District: He Just Said No to SexDear Date the District,

I've been hanging out with this guy for about a month now, and we've gone out together a bunch of times and have had a lot of fun together. We've seen each other every weekend, and always end up spending at least one night together having a sleepover. Most of the time we see each other/hook up, it’s sober. So I told him in the beginning that I just wanted to take things slow, and not have sex right away, which he was really cool with, although we have been doing the naked makeout. So last night, I figured I was ready to have sex with him. We went to a mutual friend's birthday at a bar last night and had a great time. So we came back to my place, and I was like "Sooo...I think it's been a long time we've been hanging out, and I wanna have sex with you tonight." Obviously I was a bit drunk if I was that blunt. But anyway, then he's like, "Actually...I've been meaning to talk to you about that. I dated a woman (she was 32! and he's 25!) for 2.5 years, and we broke up a few months ago. So I don't wanna just jump into having sex with you right away. I really like hanging out with you, and want to continue to get to know you before we have sex. I don't want to bring sex into it now and complicate things in case they don't work out. I don't want to have sex with you right now and have you get attached and hurt you if things don't work out."

What do you think about all that? Should I take offense, like is he pretty much saying he isn't sure whether he likes me enough, and isn't sure if things will work out between us so he just wants to keep it casual? Or does he like me, and just wants to still test the waters with me for a bit before having sex?

A single, 20-something guy turning down sex?

We’re confused too.

Does he like you? If he’s been pursuing the hook ups, there’s a good chance that he’s attracted to you. And if he goes out of his way to hang out with you, we highly doubt that your personality is the problem.

Because we don’t know this guy, and because everything else about your relationship sounds pretty par for the course (in 20-something dating land, that is), the only thing we have to go on is what he said to you that night.

Is it the whole truth? Probably not.

But there’s a good chance that the I’m-still-getting-over-my-serious-relationship thing isn’t far from where he’s coming from.

Meaning: It’s not about you. It’s about him.

We kind of doubt he’s trying to keep things casual. In guyworld, “keeping things casual” usually means hooking up with as little commitment/attachment as humanly possible. So if he were trying to keep things casual, he’d probably want to have sex with you before he decided whether or not he liked you.

If this guy is used to dating older women, he might have a different perspective on sex. Maybe his last girlfriend made him wait, and he thinks it always works like that.

Or he could be nervous. Maybe he’s worried that he doesn’t have enough experience (and it definitely sounds like he hasn’t slept with anyone new in at least 2.5 years).

The unfortunate fact is, he's the only one who knows why he said what he said. And no amount of attempted mind reading will change that.

All you can do is try to decide whether or not you want to be with him. Yes, this is definitely unexpected behavior, but if everything else is going well, this guy’s temporary chastity might not be a deal breaker.

But if this guy says no to sex, he’s not entitled toa naked makeout.Whatever his deal is, the naked makeout will probably only make it worse. If he’s still trying to decide whether or not he likes you enough to sleep with you, why does he get a blowjob in the interim?

We’d advise you to take things even slower. Cut back on the sleepovers (or eliminate them all together) until both of you are ready to do the deed. Try getting to know him (and letting him get to know you) before you make a decision about what to do.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

The Truth About Online Dating Over 50

The Truth About Online Dating Over 50There are many misconceptions about online dating and singles over fifty seem to be the most cynical because of the dreaded stigma attached to having online chat conversations with singles.

There are many lies about using dating sites over fifty and we`re here to provide you with the truth you need to proceed!

Myth: "It`s Hard To Find Someone my own age. "

Truth: Did you know that 35 percent of the Baby Boomer generation are single? There are millions of people over fifty looking for companionship and love and a lot of them are doing it online. It`s a lot easier than you think!

Myth: "I can only people who want to get married over fifty."

Truth: Are you kidding? People over fifty online are typically divorced and are not looking for another marriage but rather they are looking for a long-term relationship. By this time, many 50 plus singles have grown adult offspring and these singles are typically experiencing "empty nest" syndrome. Many singles are looking for a casual but fun encounter with someone their own age.

Myth: "Online dating is dangerous."

Truth: Yes, this world is a dangerous place but if you are safe, you will be okay. Tell people where you`re meeting someone you met online for the first time. Do a background check on google and sees what turns up. Meet in a public place. These are all common precautions you should be always be taking.

Myth: "Online dating far too expensive."

Truth: Most online dating sites are actually cost-effective if not free. You don`t have to worry about your budget and bills when you are trying to find love on the web!

Myth: "Others will judge me if they found out I was seeking love online."

Truth: Did you know that one out of every five relationships are started online? That is 20 percent of the world`s population! The number of singles aged fifty seeking dates online have doubled in the past year alone. That`s enough numbers to make anyone will feel less embarrassed.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Having "The Talk"

Having "The Talk"Sometimes, starting a new relationship can be more frustrating than perpetual singledom.

Obsession climbs to new heights, and so much feels open to interpretation. Is he seeing other people? Should you be? When is he going to start calling you his girlfriend? Should you ask?

We’ll address dtr (defining the relationship) first.

Simply put, it’s never something you should bring up. Nothing’s less sexy than starting a conversation with, “We need to talk…”

The problem with dtr is that it makes you look insecure and needy, like you can’t be happy or satisfied until you have a label. Who would you rather spend time with—a guy who’s cool and funny and laid back, or a guy who asks you to be his girlfriend on the first date?

And at the end of the day, a label means nothing. He could call you his girlfriend and spend his business trips macking on everything with a vagina, or he could insist that you go out to dinner with five of his friends before he’s started using titles.

The way he acts is much more important, and if he’s taking you out, calling to check in, and doing things that make you happy, it’s heading in the right direction.

And whenever one person tries to dtr, it automatically gives the other person the upper hand. The person looking for a title is going to seem more invested, more eager, and more interested in the other person. Why not give yourself the upper hand by waiting for him to initiate the proceedings?

OK, you say, but what if he’s seeing other people?

This is a very distinct possibility, especially at the beginning of a relationship. If he’s dating, it probably means he’s trying to meet as many women as possible, because most relationships don’t work out.

At a certain point, monogamy becomes the expectation, but that point is different for every person. You probably have crossovers you wouldn’t like to admit to in your past, but having a conversation isn’t the solution.

If he’s still seeing other people 6 months in, it’s probably not because you didn’t have “the talk”—it’s because he’s probably not that interested in monogamy in the first place. And a guy who’s still dating after half a year probably isn’t acting like your boyfriend or inviting you home to meet his parents.

That’s why it all goes back to actions. If he’s behaving in a manner that’s deserving of your affections, return his calls and accept his invitations. If he’s not, stop making plans with him.

And if you really want him to start calling you his girlfriend, the best thing you can do is act like he’s not your boyfriend. Introduce him to people as your “friend.” Don’t let your friends say, “I’ve heard so much about you.” Let him jump in and say, “Actually, I’m her boyfriend” or confront you about it later.

It might be that the dtr conversation hasn’t even crossed his mind. But when you do things like call him “my friend Derrick,” you’re forcing him to think about the issue.

Japanese Teens Losing Sex Drive

Japanese Teens Losing Sex DriveSome frigid news from Japan, just in! A new government commissioned study finds that young Japanese men are not interested in sex.

According to the AFP, a whopping 36.1% of teenage boys in between the ages of 16 and 19 said that they had no interest in sex, and in some cases even despised it.

Furthermore, the survey concluded that 83.7% of Japanese men who turned 20 this year were not dating anyone, while 49.3% said they had never had a girlfriend.

Girls, on the other hand, are suffering from a similar lack of heat; 59% in the same age group felt the same way.

The head of the clinic of the Japan Family Planning Association, which also took part in the survey, said that the data conforms a wider social belief that younger Japanese men are becoming "herbivorous", which is a labels attached to passive men who rate not actively seeking women and sex. Many younger people were opting to delay starting a family due to the perceived burden on their finances, lifestyles and careers. "The findings seem to reflect the increasing shallowness of human relation in today`s busy society." she said.

The study which surveys 1,301 people between the ages of 16-49, also revealed a handful of other surprises: 40.8 percent of marries people said they had not had sex in the past month. 50 percent of marries people older than 40 years old said they have not had sex in the past month. Some participants claimed work fatigue and reluctance to have sex after childbirth, while others said they just "can`t be bothered"

"Obviously the most important reason for Japan`s declining birth rate is that people are not having sex," she said, "combined with the rising number of elderly people, this population imbalance is a major problem."

UPDATE: News Roundup: Why Do Smart Women Have the Toughest Time Dating

UPDATE: News Roundup: Why Do Smart Women Have the Toughest Time DatingIn discussions we’ve had with our readers after this morning’s post, we’ve come up with something we failed to mention before.

Our main problem with Dr. Benzer’s article is that it confuses intelligence with ambition. The hypothetical woman he describes in his article is very ambitious, but it’s not clear that she meets the conventional definition of “smart” (i.e., naturally intelligent and very well educated).

And while Dr. Benzer neatly outlines the problems faced by cutthroat business types, he doesn’t really touch on the problems faced by intellectual women.

If you can’t help but contextualize every film you see, and you like to spend the post-movie drink breaking it down scene by scene, it’s hard to date people who can’t keep up.

And so the real problem smart women face, in our opinion, is that they either spend too much time rubbing their obscure degrees in men’s faces, or they play dumb.

And neither solution is very effective.

That Dinner at 1789 Isn't Gonna Pay for Itself!

That Dinner at 1789 Isn't Gonna Pay for Itself!A post on Dealbreaker wonders if men only care about money, success, and, apparently, literacy because it helps them get girlz.

We don't think it does. The stereotypical power-hungry capitalist pig likes to buy toys to one-up the other men in his life, and he likes to fuck women, not marry them.

Maybe the nicer guys always keep one eye on the altar, but they don't tend to be as ruthless in the pursuit of money and/or prestige.

The question is: what drives women to succeed?

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Does It Matter Where Your Date Went to College?

Does It Matter Where Your Date Went to College?            If you’re in DC, chances are you have a pretty decent education under your belt.

Between the interns looking to work the fact that they universitied at New Haven into every conversation and the Georgetown grads who are all-too-cognizant of the fact that theirs is the most prestigious school in town, no one seems to see an associate’s degree as a viable option to $200,000 of college loans.

In one of the few American cities where your alma mater is still relevant ten years out, what should you do when you meet a guy who’s undergraduate degree ranks a few (or more) notches below yours on the US News and World Report? 

This question is an inherently icky question most of us wouldn’t admit we’ve asked ourselves. But it’s not necessarily as superficial or simple as it might seem.

The most important thing to remember is that the average American family’s annual income is less than one year of tuition and expenses at the top private universities ($45k vs. $50k).

And that’s just the average.

A family of four that’s pulling in $80,000 is doing well, statistically speaking, but that doesn’t mean they can drop the 50 grand it takes to feed, house, and educate a Georgetown co-ed.

The guy in question may have received a fat admissions letter from Tufts and an even fatter full ride from a smaller-name school in the Midwest, and at the end of the day, the school on his diploma is much less important than what he learned.

And that is worth being picky about. But, again, not in the way you might think. Whether or not he can recite the names of all U.S. presidents alphabetically is much less important than whether he can think, carry on an engaging conversation, and stimulate you intellectually.

A friend of ours started dating a guy who went to a school that’s famous for basketball and partying. She was having doubts, because she felt like their conversations lacked substance—they seemed like kinds of things you’d talk about at a post-game party.

Harvard grads watch Gossip Girl too, and if you’d rather be talking politics, it’s up to you to initiate.

Try to take the conversation where you want it to go, and if he can’t keep up, well, then maybe it’s time to reconsider.

If intellectual conversations are important to you, and he’d rather be reciting Dane Cook jokes, you’re going to have a harder time enjoying each other’s company.

But don’t assume anything. And when you’re getting to know each other (whether it’s on a date or at your best friend’s house party), try to get him talking about something he really cares about. Ask about hobbies, interests, things he does in his free time, and if he sounds passionate, keep him going.

Maybe he uses his calculator to calculate the tip, but could talk for hours about Stanley Kubrick’s films. You have to decide which is more important (or, if you can’t decide, which holds your interest).

The relationship probably won’t work if you don’t enjoy talking to him. But you’re 50 percent of the conversation, and you owe it yourself to give him the chance to dazzle you with his intellect.

The bottom line is, if you’re judging someone solely on his class ring, you’re limiting your dating pool to people who share your particular snobbery. 

Breakup Babble: Getting Back Your Stuff

Breakup Babble: Getting Back Your Stuff

The early 2000s faux boy band 2ge+her said it best: the hardest part of breaking up is getting back your stuff.

After all, you’re probably engaged in an intensely personal heated argument, and there’s a good chance that one or both of you is crying. It might not seem like the best time to ask for your Arrested Development DVDs.

Or maybe he just has a few of your old sweatshirts that don’t seem important enough to retrieve in the moment. But then after a few weeks of not talking and really missing the sound of his voice (but not wanting to be the one to initiate communication), you suddenly remember the sweatshirts and think that this would be a perfect excuse to talk to/see him again without looking desperate.

Except that you will. When you ask him to return your copy of House of Leaves, you might as well be asking him to coffee (which is, essentially, what you’re doing, unless you ask him to mail your stuff, which you know he’s never going to agree to anyway).

And if he knows you’re thinking about all the stuff of yours he has, it’s not hard to figure out that you’re thinking about him. Which you don’t want, no matter how badly you want to get back together with him.

On the other hand, if he has the David Yurman bracelet your parents gave you for your 18th birthday, you should get that back.

Returning possessions is a practical and necessary component to any breakup convo. He might say something like, “You’re breaking my heart, and all you can think about is your stuff???” (especially if you initiated the split), but it’s one of those messy conversations that has to happen.

Besides, it’s a breakup—it’s not like the conversation’s going spectacularly to begin with.

At the same time, it probably is a little petty/insensitive to ask to take your Trader Joe’s frozen dinners in the freezer (unless you’re getting dumped, in which case, grab the stuff that he paid for too).

In an ideal world, we’d start taking our stuff home, piece by piece, as soon as we saw the first warning signs. But breakups are rarely that predictable and usually require a bit more thinking on your feet.

Don’t mention your belongings the moment one of you decides that “it’s over.” Let each party indulge in a cathartic rant/emotional breakdown/stunned silence. But when the conversation starts to get repetitive and unhealthy, say something like, “I think we both need some time to cool off. In the mean time, I want to give you your stuff back.”

If you mention it, the other person is usually more likely to one-up you. After all, if you’re so desperate to get rid of the teddy bear he gave you, he doesn’t want to look like a sentimental schmuck for holding onto your laptop, right?

OK, it might not be that easy, but ask for all valuables up-front. You have every right to ask him to return expensive jewelry and electronics. If you don’t remember it until later, make plans to pick it up as soon as you remember it. And don’t make “plans” plans. Don’t ask him to meet you at Starbucks with a bag of your stuff. Text him at 4 p.m. and say something like, “Just remembered that I left my iPod at your place. Can I stop by at 7 to get it?”

And then do just that: stop by. Don’t linger. Don’t sit down. You don’t want to leave your dignity at his apartment, because that’s not something you can retrieve later.

But if he has books or costume jewelry that can, theoretically, be replaced, let him keep it. There are few material possessions that can’t be replaced with time and money. And while you’re probably short on both commodities, your pride isn’t something you can buy the next time you get a raise.

Asking for insignificant items might make you look (and feel) like you’re not over the split. And in a breakup, who wants to prolong the pain?