The D. E.A. N.D. R.A. System

A few weeks ago, one of our loyal readers wrote in to ask us what we thought of the D.E.N.N.I.S system outlined in a recent episode of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

We’re not huge fans of the show, but we did think this episode had some interesting points.

Here’s a recap for the uninitiated:

One of the show’s 20-something protagonists, Dennis, has come up with a system for wooing women. He calls it the D.E.N.N.I.S. system, and it works like this:

1. Demonstrate value

2. Engage physically

3. Nurturing dependability

4. Neglect emotionally

5. Inspire hope

6. Separate entirely

The actions above are meant to be performed in sequential order. So you start by (1) seducing a girl by showing her that you’re better than other guys. Then you (2) trick her into having sex really early on. Dennis does this by inviting a girl to dinner at a restaurant that he knows won’t be open, and then, when they get there and see that it’s closed, inviting her back to his place instead. And once she’s in his bed, mission accomplished. Then he (3) comes on really strong and shows her that he can be there for her. But before she can get sick of him he (4) starts ignoring her completely. She leaves him hundreds of messages and goes weeks without hearing from him. But then he (5) shows up at her door and apologizes for not being there. He tells her that he felt himself falling in love with her, and was worried about getting hurt. This, of course, sends her over the moon, because while he was away she was building him up in her mind and obsessing about him. She drops her pants on the spot. After the booty call, Dennis sneaks out and (6) stops calling her again. Now she’s completely obsessed with him, which means, he brags, that she’ll be DTF whenever.

In response to this, we’ve come up with the female version of the D.E.N.N.I.S. system, named after his sister, Deandra. But unlike the D.E.N.N.I.S. system, the D.E.A.N.D.R.A. system isn’t about turning a guy into a fuck buddy. It’s about turning a potential fuck buddy into a boyfriend.

1. Dress to impress

2. Expect a date

3. Avoid getting physical

4. No “serious” talks

5. Drop off the face of the earth

6. Respond selectively

7. Act like you’re not his girlfriend

It works like this: While Dennis tries to get a girl’s attention by demonstrating his value, you’re more likely to catch his eye with (1) your physical appearance. That doesn’t mean you should wear booty shorts and a bandeau top to the bar—in fact, you should dress in a way that leaves more to the imagination. If you’re going to your friend’s cute coworker’s party, put on makeup, straighten your hair, and wear something that’s sexy, but subtle. Your witty banter might spark his interest, but don’t trick yourself into believing that, with the right guy, appearances won’t matter.

After he has initiated flirtation, (2) wait for a date. If he gets your number and texts you asking to “hang out,” tell him you’re busy. If he calls you at 10 p.m., say something like, “Well, it’s too late for dinner—let’s try going out another night.”

When he does ask you out, (3) don’t sleep with him on the first date. Or the second. Or the third. Make out on the sidewalk as much as you want. But if you want him to keep calling, don’t rush to invite him upstairs. We understand that you have needs. But because most guys see sex as the ultimate goal of dating (and, biologically, that’s how we’re wired to see it), if he reaches that final destination too quickly, he might want to go seek out other conquests.

But (4) don’t try to bargain sex for a relationship. Don’t have conversations about how you have to wait until you’re in love to sleep with someone. The more you explain that you’re looking for something serious and want to take things slowly, the more sleeping with you becomes do x to get y. It’s all the work that goes into seduction, without the fun and excitement of the unknown. We lose interest in predictable games with set rules at a young age and become more captivated by challenges in which the strategy changes every time. That’s why newspapers carry Sodoku and crossword puzzles, not word searches. And if you tell him, “I’m really looking for a relationship,” he’ll be more likely to feel like he’s being forced into something. If you don’t try to have any of those conversations with him, he’ll be free to think dating you was his idea. And, as anyone with a 9-to-5 job knows, people are more likely to do things when they think it was their idea.

Make sure he knows that you’re not wasting time “talking about your relationship” because you (5) actually have a life. You don’t literally have to drop off the face of the earth, but don’t clear your schedule every time he calls. Planning to go to a yoga class the night he asks you to dinner? Tell him. He’s not going to think you’re not interested and give up. And if you don’t believe us, think about the times you rejected invitations from guys you legitimately didn’t like. Maybe that awkward, but really sweet, guy who lives downstairs asked you to dinner on a night that you didn’t have plans. You said something like, “Oh, I’d love to, but I have a Tupperware party that night.” We’ll bet he didn’t give up after that—if anything, he probably started calling you more. When a guy knows that you have a busy and fulfilling life, it makes you look more attractive, not less. Remember the Stage-5 Clinger from Wedding Crashers? Those guys weren’t turned on by women who dropped everything to follow them around. When you turn a guy down for your book club, you look confident and secure. You look like the kind of girl who won’t make time for just anyone. And everyone—guys and girls—want to be around people who seem “cooler” or more popular than them.

But make sure you that you (6) respond selectively. When he engages in boyfriendly behavior, reward him. When he texts you at 3 a.m., don’t respond. But when he makes reservations at a trendy new bar, go with him. Don’t say yes every time he asks you out to dinner, but don’t blow him off completely either.

And finally, (7) don’t bring up the “g” word. Don’t introduce him to your friends as your boyfriend. If he tries to call you his girlfriend, act like you’re uncomfortable. Don’t keep this up forever, but you’ll do more harm than good if you try to force the girlfriend title on him. We’ve said this a million times: people want what they can’t have. And if he thinks you’re not so sure you want to date him, he’ll be ten times more certain that you’re the one for him.

Missed Connection of the Day: To the Cute Girl at Work

I really like seeing you around work and I think you're beautiful. Especially your eyes, which I could stare into for hours.

Unfortunately the hair on your upper lip is a bit... distracting. I recommend waxing or tweezing or whatever women do about that. Once it's gone, you'll be unstoppable.

Wanna Earn Fifty Bucks?

One of our readers sent us the following Craiglist job postings. We're typically more romantic in our Craiglist selections (i.e., Missed Connections), but we thought we'd make an exception for this one.

washington, DC craigslist > maryland > gigs > writing gigs

Honey I Shrunk The Kids role-playing (DC)

This is an odd request, but I am looking for a role-playing partner to do email or instant message-based sessions revolving around various reenactments and recreations of situations similar to those in the Disney classic movie Honey I Shrunk The Kids.

Various aspects of the original movie have always fascinated me. The perspective of being shrunken, and the various interactions with normal every-day objects and situations. My role would be that of a shrunken individual, while yours would be that of the normal sized role.

Out of all of the scenes in the movie that I have always wanted to reenact through role-play is that of the Cheerios scene. Of course, swapping out Rick Moranis for yourself would be preferred.

The requirements for this job: you are a female, you are verbose, descriptive almost to the point of it being ridiculous, very imaginative, and hopefully that you like Cheerios. The ability to take something as simple as moving your hand and creating a moment and event out of it would be preferred as far as detail depth.

If you feel you could be into this, and have plenty of fun doing so, then please reply.

Location: DC

It's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests Compensation: $50 for the session

10 Hints of an Online Affair

It`s apparent that online dating affairs are far more prevalent in this technological day and age and they are causing many couples to break up since it is so easy to find sex online. The question is how do you know your partner is having an online affair and how do you approach them if they are? They are tell tale hints that they are stepping out on you and you don`t need a private investigator to find out either.

1. They Spend WAY TOO MUCH time online. Although it is rare to not catch your partner online, it is a problem if they are online all the time like they were a teenager. Also, pay attention to what time they usually use the computer. If they wait until you are asleep, then you may have a problem.

2. They Have Top Notch Passwords Encoded On Their Accounts – If your partner has a password just to sign in to use the browser then that might be a sign of infidelity. Why would they need a password just to sign on. Are they scared that you will see their password history? Also, pay attention to how they meticulously always log off when they use their email accounts. If they don`t have anything to hide, then they don`t have a reason to conceal their passwords at all times.

3. They Use The Computer After You`ve Gone To Bed. Pay attention to what time they usually use the computer. If they wait until you are asleep, then you may have a problem.

4. They Exhibit Nervous Behavior When You`re Around The Computer. Do you ever notice that your partner immediately closes the browser of turns of f the computer whenever you approach? This is panic and unexplainable behavior. We consider it a significant indicator of a deviant behavior. Now, bear in mind your spouse may be viewing pornography and fear reprisal. This may explain the need for panic.

5. The computer and monitor are always positioned away from your sight. Pay attention to how your partner positions his laptop. Does he change seats to another couch across from you every time he logs on? Does he always make sure you can`t see what he is typing? This is an obvious sign of deception.

6. They Always Clear Web History and Browse Caches. Every good cheater knows that the first thing they have to do is clear their browser history. If you sign on to use the computer and notice that the browser history is always blank, then you have reason for concern.

7. Very Defensive When You Ask Them To Log Out. “When are you coming to bed?” “We really need to go, now, what’s taking so long?” “Can’t you do that later?” Have you asked these types of questions? Teenagers often become “obsessed” with instant messaging. If you have kids who use the computer, you know. They have trouble walking away from the PC. This same desire or need displayed by your spouse is cause for alarm. A compulsive, defensive pattern of behavior shows a strong need to continue. You need to know why.

8. Shares personal information, photos or events with strangers in emails, chatrooms or while instant messaging. Setting up a profile for instant messaging is commonplace.Maybe it’s time to track this information with software that collects this data. Today more courts are allowing emails and computer usage data as evidence. It’s advisable to consult an attorney in your state beforehand!

9. Plays online games and frequents “personals” chatrooms. This is where it starts. Play a few games, win or loss but then we need to chat. Well if chatting is fine, why not include your spouse? You can’t, so why do it?

10. Never Mentions You On Their Social Media Accounts- Most people love doting on their loving spouses or significant others online, if you have find that your spouse never mentions you on Facebook or Twitter, it is probably because they want to appear single to others.

Do You Take Your Ex Off Your BBM?

We all know that dating and Blackberry messenger should not go hand in hand. However, when have exchanged pins with someone you are in love with, what happens when you two break up?

You`re first instinct is probably to delete them off your BBM list. However, if you delete them from your list, you are also giving away your power. When an ex disappears off your Facebook list or BBM contacts, it`s most likely because you were hurt a great deal and seeing their name is just too much to deal with.

It`s hard to have an ex on BBM because it allows you easier access to contacting them more than texting and online chat rooms. Plus, it`s extra irritating knowing where your ex is when they keep exclaiming how much fun they are having partying with other singles on their BBM status.

If you can`t quite work up the courage of taking them off your list, you can make categories on your BBM friend list. Categorize your friends, lovers and exes under different sections, so you don`t constantly feel the urge to look at his or her status updates. And when the time comes to forgive and forget, you can always be able to contact them when you`re ready.

If you`re a little more jaded than that, then I would recommend changing their name to "DICK" or "Bitch" so you remind yourself why you shouldn`t contact them. Just a thought.

Happy BBMing!

Men to Avoid in Online Dating: Part 1

            

            The first few weeks of online dating usually pass by in a blur.

You can’t even respond to your e-mails because you’re too busy checking out who’s viewed your profiles, taking mind-numbingly pointless (but somewhat addictive) quizzes, and figuring out the proper response to a wink (answer: ignore it).

But after a while, the pool of eligible partners starts looking smaller and smaller, and you’ve rated so many people in your city that your Quickmatch comes up empty.

As desperation starts to set in, your standards embark on a nosedive that begins so subtly you don’t even realize it’s happening.

And this is when you become the perfect target for the two biggest wastes of time at the virtual singles bar: married men, and people who live in other cities.

In approximately one out of two marriages in the U.S., boy meets girl, boy marries girl, boy and girl live happily ever after.

The other half 1) deicide it’s not working, 2) split up, and 3) meet new people.

There’s nothing wrong with a person who failed at marriage the first (or second or third) time around. There is something wrong when said person decides that step three should come before step one or step two.

Divorce isn’t a regular breakup. When your boyfriend tells you he wants to see other people, he never has to say the word “asset.” When your husband delivers  the same message, you suddenly have to divide up things you never even realized you only half  “owned” (cars, houses, friends, family members, pets, health insurance).

We’re going to skip over the “emotionally available” bullshit that some women use to justify or oppose the practice of dating married men. You should be thinking about your emotions, not his, and regardless of whether or not his “feelings” are ready for another roll in the hay, yours aren’t.

Let’s start with the obvious. This guy is ready to cheat on his supposed life partner, and regardless of what you think of marriage as an institution, he took commitment one step farther than he had to when he said, “I do.” When you’re dating a guy, you might agree not to see other people, but you haven’t entered into a legally binding agreement that basically only says that you won’t see other people. So if he’s ready to screw monogamy with this woman, what makes you think it’ll be any different with you?

Then there’s the fact that he’s still married (or separated, or anything other than legally divorced). If he really wanted out of this marriage, he’d be out, and he’d be too busy sorting out the legal implications or building a new life to sign up for a free trial on Match.com. If he’s still living with his wife, or attending couples therapy, or even keeping the marital status in name only, he hasn’t made up his mind, and don’t fool yourself into thinking you’ll be the deciding factor.

People go crawling back to former partners after they see what else is out there. No one buys his ex a take-me-back diamond when he’s rediscovering the joys of keeping the seat up, drinking milk out of the carton, and brining home a different woman every night of the week. It’s after he tries to settle down with a new woman that he realizes how much he misses the way his ex-wife made the bed each morning.

Long story short: when you date a married men, you’re entering into a messy, emotionally turbulent situation that has a lot of potential for pain with only the slimmest glimmer of hope for payoff. You don’t have to be a gambler to figure out that the odds aren’t in your favor, and you’d be better off waiting for a better split.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

How to Give a Great Blowjob

Most girls hate giving blowjobs.

The process is so unpleasant that most try to finish as quickly as possible. But half-assed technique and an obvious lack of enthusiasm makes things take longer. So we’ve put together a quick and dirty how-to guide that’ll make your jaw happy.

1. Fake enthusiasm. When it comes to sex, enthusiasm goes a long way. Oral sex may not be your favorite pastime, but if he knows you’re hating it, it’s going to take him longer to get off. Make some noise. Your mouth may be full, but a few well-place grunts and moans will turn him on and ensure that he’s in the mood. Grab his penis while you’re making out and make him believe that you really want it. Keep playing with it while you remove your clothes. Make eye contact with him while you’re going down. Smile and bit your lip while you kiss your way down his chest. You don’t have to have a conversation with him about how much you love giving head, but if you act like you’re into it, he’ll get off fantasizing about how much you want him.

2. Tease him. A blowjob is most effective when it doesn’t seem like a sure thing. So save it for special occasions, and don’t dive right into it. This is one instance in which the naked makeout can actually be very effective. Grind up on him until he’s going crazy. Postpone it for as long as possible, until he starts doubting things and wondering whether or not he’ll actually get the blowjob tonight. And then slowly work your way down his torso, pausing to caress his pelvis and inner thighs with your tongue. Don’t take the whole thing in your mouth all at once. Spend a good minute working the shaft and surrounding area with your tongue and hands only.

3. Get a good base. Most girls assume that a good blowjob is basically a handjob with an oral topping. You don’t need to wrap your whole hand around the base: your first two fingers and thumb will do. Make a tight ring (like you’re making the “OK” sign with your thumb, index, and middle finger) and wrap it around the very bottom of his shaft. Let your ring finger and pinky finger splay out to the side so they don’t get in the way. For the most part, these base fingers don’t have to move—just make sure to maintain a tight grip. But every so often, gently move them slightly up and down the bottom part of the shaft. When a penis is erect, the skin can move independently of the rest of the shaft. When you’re sliding your fingers up and down the base, you want the skin to come with you. Don’t be too aggressive—the skin should move freely without any tugging.

4. Slow and steady wins the race. Bobbing your head up and down as fast as you can isn’t going to make him come any faster. If he starts pushing your head into jackhammer mode towards the end, that’s fine, but don’t start out at warp speed. Move slowly up and down the shaft, pressing your tongue firmly into the skin. Keep the suction tight, but make sure you’re not using too much teeth. You can pause to work your tongue on the tip (the most sensitive part of the penis), and every so often, stop moving your head all together and just move your tongue up and down the shaft while applying pressure.

5. Keep it lubricated. Don’t be afraid to use too much saliva. The wetter, the better (for the guy, anyway). Don’t spit on him or anything, but don’t worry about things getting too messy.

6. Man cannot come from blowjobs alone. One of the biggest pervading myths about blowjobs is that they’re the be-all, end-all of getting off. And while most guys say there’s nothing like a well-delivered blowjob, it works best when paired with other sexual activities. Make sure to employ the naked makeout. Stop every so often to gently (and we mean gently) lick or suck on his balls. If your mouth gets tired, stop and give him a quick hand job. The mid-blowjob well lubricated hand job is actually one of the best parts of getting head, according to some guys we talked to for this article. If you keep mixing it up, he’ll get off faster.

A guy shouldn’t expect a blowjob every time he gets naked. Dole them out wisely—it’s quality over quantity. And the more effort you put into it, the less time you’ll have to spend actually doing it.

Online Chat Etiquette For Men

As everybody knows by now, free dating websites are extremely popular and they attract millions of new singles across the world every minute of the day. There is no denying the fact that online chat rooms and internet dating are now considered to be the most successful means of dating. Whether you are a busy professional or a lonely man, the relationship options online are amazing!

There are people specifically men who prefer the privacy and anonymity that internet dating gives them rather than going on humiliating blind dates and ridiculous speed dating events.

However, there are two etiquette tips that need to be followed by men if they want to find success in their love lives online.

Screen Name/User Name

Your screen name is the most important thing you put on your profile, which means that you have to choose a name that is appropriate. Avoid offensive and immature user names like ‘Bigtool4u` or ‘sexylovah69.` These are just pathetic and desperate attempts of seeming cool. Just use your own personal name and if you`re not comfortable with that, use your initials. By doing this, you will not scare off any future romantic prospects and you will let women know that you are in fact a real and mature man.

Respect

Since there are many women and men searching for dates and love on free online dating sites, it`s easy for a woman`s inbox to get full in a matter of hours. (That`s what she said.) That`s why it`s important to know if you`re sending an email to a single lady to simply send a short and respectful message with no spelling errors. Don`t bombard her with emails either. If she likes you, she will contact you back.

Send Us Your Dating Horror Stories

It's almost that time of year (i.e., Valentine's Day), and we'd like to get a head start on Gawker by collecting your dating horror stories. In the name of catharsis, send your pick-up lines, walks of shame, and bad decisions to datethedistrict@gmail.com--best ones get thrown up on the blog throughout the month.

To get you started, we're setting the bar high with this story from Hey Lady.

And if you're more in the mood for happy endings, don't forget to send in your matchmaking profiles.

How to Break the Cycle of Cyber Abuse

Have you ever creeped on an ex`s text profile page on Facebook, posted nasty tweets about a co-worker on Twitter or posted a not so flattering photo of someone to get back at them? Have you sent threatening online chat messages to someone you hate? Have any of these things ever happened to you?

Unfortunately, a lot of people can say ‘yes` to all the questions above. Since we are also wired into technology via our iPhones, laptops and iPads, we are constantly interacting with people we love and hate online and sometimes the boundaries are crossed more they really should be.

Cyber abuse is the use of free dating sites, cell phones, social networks, text messaging and email to humiliate, threaten or scare someone. Unfortunately, most cowards that hide behind their keyboards have no idea about the repercussions that they will face when continuing their inappropriate behavior.

If you are a victim of cyber abuse, here are a few things you need to know to break the cycle:

-Always keep your passwords private. Never give your password to anybody…not even your significant others. Just like everybody else, you are entitled to your privacy. Giving your password away is the most popular way of being hacked.

-Don`t forward hateful messages to friends. Break the cycle of harassment by simply not spreading the messages around. Hit the delete button and if you don`t, keep the messages and bring them to your local police station.

Always report abuse on Facebook or Twitter. Look for the "Report" links on Facebook to report people who are harassing you. Most problems can be solved by letting social networks play the mediator.

What Girls Look For On An Online Dating Profile

When it comes to setting your online dating profiles, there are certain things women look for when seeking a compatible companion on free dating sites. So what do women look for on a man`s online dating profile? They look at everything of course!

When girls look at a man`s profile, they look at the main photo, other photos you may have added, your username and most definitely the ‘About Me` portion.

In order to get a woman`s attention, you need to convey that you are confident, social, funny and passionate.

First things first, you need to have a main photo showing off these amazing attributes. If you don`t have a picture, you`re not getting attention period. Also, if you don`t want to repel women, you will refrain from posting pictures of you sitting in front of your web cam in a dark room or any pictures from your camera on your phone. Provide a photo that actually shows more than your face. A woman wants to see how a man looks from head to toe so there are no unfortunate surprises.

You should show a picture of you doing something social so you look like you`re confident, relaxed and full of smiles. Women want to be with these kind of guys, not lonely Jersey Shore poseurs.

Be honest about your passions even if they are manly. Women appreciate honesty and value artistic talents!

Good luck!

Robert's Rules: The First Date Outfit

After last week’s post about what to wear on a first date, we thought it’d be nice to get the male perspective.

Our friend Robert worked on Newbury Street in Boston, which (for the uninitiated) means he’s never afraid to tell us when our outfit looks bad.

Here’s what he had to say about what a girl should wear on her first date:

“A first date outfit must be thought about carefully, because this outfit is essentially a first impression to your date of who you are. Ideally, it would be a sexy (but not too sexy) outfit that incorporates your personal style. In general, no matter where you’re going, I don't think that you should overwhelm someone with an outfit that overtly displays your personal style--say, for instance, that you love mixing patterns: I would recommend working in a few pieces with maybe your favorite print rather than having an outfit made up entirely of different patterns. You don't want it to be too loud, just like you wouldn't want your outfit to be too sexy. I think a good first date outfit would also tastefully show off your body (leave your oversized pieces at home--for tonight, at least).

I think there are two types of first dates: upscale and casual. You should have a different outfit for each occasion.

If you’re going out on a fancy date,:

I think a form-fitting dress would be appropriate. I would stay pretty classic with the dress--let it show off your body--in a solid color, and then punch up the outfit in the accessories. Maybe a pair of metallic stilettos or a really cool bag that introduces a print, or maybe belt your dress (a belt can do a lot to define a midsection and create an hourglass shape--all good things, right?). And don't forget about jewelry! You can also say a lot with a chunky necklace or a cool bracelet. I would stay away from blazers for a first date look, just because I think it may look a little too corporate, and we want a first date look to be more flirty than business.

If you’re going out for a casual night,:

Every girl should have a flattering pair of dark jeans in her closet. Whether you look good in wide leg, boot cut, skinny, whatever--get a pair of dark denim, it may turn into one of the most highly used pieces in your closet. This would be the perfect time to break out the dark denim and pair it with a sexy top--one with a little sparkle to it or maybe ruffles (they seem to be in style right now), and finish it off with a pair of strappy sandals. Or, if you don’t feel like heels, do a nice pair of flats.

And since we’re heading into the winter months, let’s address outerwear. No matter how cold it gets, stay away from the puffy jacket. You don't want his first thoughts of you to be that he's going on a date with the Michelin woman. A pea coat will keep you plenty warm while also being stylish.”

He also has some words of wisdom for our male readers:

“Regardless of where you are going, take this as an opportunity to dress up a bit--but not too much. I wouldn't wear a sport coat, but maybe go for a nice button down shirt. And maybe layer it with a v-neck sweater. I think every guy looks good in a white button down shirt with a navy blue v-neck sweater layered over it. Navy blue is a strong, masculine color that looks good on any skin tone, and the white shirt will frame your face really well. What I’m saying is: guys, put thought into this--don't just put on a t-shirt and walk out the door.

And please pay attention to fit. There is nothing that I hate more than when a guy with a nice body hides it under an oversize sweater. I'm not saying wear something incredibly tight, but make sure that the shoulder seams end at your shoulders and that you can feel the fabric against your body instead of hanging off your frame. With sweaters, what you don't want it hanging off your body. You also don't want it coming too far past your waist (because then it'll be too long). Look for something that is trim in fit--you don't want a baggy arm either. If it’s too ill fitting, you'll look like you're wearing your older brother's sweater, which won't impress any girl.

Now for pants. This is when I also recommend dark jeans--they will work with almost any color (so you won't have to worry about matching) and they are incredibly versatile (they work in both casual and more upscale settings, depending on what you wear above the waist).

Again, pay attention to fit--every guy needs a pair of dark, straight leg denim. They shouldn't be so baggy that you cannot tell that there are legs beneath the fabric. Or also if you want, maybe a pair of cords or khakis, but I think dark jeans are a really stylish choice.

When you’re shopping for jeans, go for a straight leg jean fit--make sure the waist fits well (not too tight and not so loose that you need a belt to keep them from falling down) and also make sure that they sit on your waist (you don't want them to be too high up or else they'll look like the men's version of a "mom jean"). Look for mid rise fits. If you ever are in doubt, ask a sales person at the store! That's what they're there for. And just make sure the legs of the jean don't have so much fabric that you lose your legs in them. Gap's new slim fit 1969 jean is amazing and very affordable.

Now with shoes, go with a nice brown or black loafer, or, if you’re one of those guys that goes crazy about sneakers (I know a surprising about of guys who collect sneakers and pay attention to no other article of clothing), go with a dark, more dressy sneaker (I have a favorite pair of PF Flyers that I pair with almost everything). Don't wear a running shoe. Please.

And in terms of outerwear, go with a nice coat to finish it off, and if you have a scarf and it looks nice with your outfit, consider wearing that, too. (I think it implies that you give thought to your appearance, but if you don't want to, that's fine too--just giving you options!)”

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Friday News Roundup: The OkCupid Blog

Apparently, OkCupid, the free dating site whose (lack of) price tag somehow makes it seem sketchy, has a blog.

And it’s actually pretty good. Unfortunately, most of their posts have to do with maximizing results on online dating, and they spend a lot of time building charts and graphs (which seems like the perfect job for a hopelessly romantic statistician) whose value and relevance we have to question.

But it does make for an interesting read.

Today, we want to highlight two posts in particular.

The first is a dissertation on the role your profile picture plays in your success (or lack thereof) in online dating.

A quasistatistical study of OkCupid users reveals that everything Match.com ever told us is wrong!

Showing your face in your profile picture? Don’t do it!

Posting a “MySpace” shot (i.e., a picture you took by holding a crappy Webcam over your head and pouting up at the camera)? You’ll get more messages!

Guys—have a six pack that rivals The Situation’s? Show it off!

While all of these profile picture faux pas might attract more attention, the lovestruck statisticians don’t really have a way of measuring which types of people who contact these brooding meatheads.

And so the only really useable information this post provides is their take on girls showing cleavage. The economists who dropped out of grad school to fall in love found that women who show cleavage get more messages that lead to extended correspondence (i.e., not just one message that says, “Nice tits”) than women who don’t.

But you have to take the rest of the data with a grain of salt.

Yes, the MySpace girls might get more messages than the English majors who use more “normal” headshots, but the guys who contact the MySpacers might be equally emo, unemployed 17-year-olds—not the type of guys the English majors would necessarily want to meet.

Then again, the girls who post MySpace pictures are probably pretty compatible with the guys who post shirtless pictures. So maybe the lesson is, it’s just easier to find dates if you’re the kind of girl who makes a kissy face in her profile picture.

The other finding worth noting is that people who post pictures of themselves doing something interesting tend to get more messages than the people who post a neck-up version of the best photo ever taken of them.

When we look at someone’s profile picture, we expect the photo to be at least 10 percent more attractive than the person is in real life. After all, inordinately hot photos attract the most attention, right?

But after a guy’s first month on an online dating sight, he’s going to know that if she looks too good to be true, she probably is.

And you don’t want to start competing for guys on looks alone. So post a photo of yourself doing something you love. Or post a quirky photo. It’ll probably take you farther than that bikini shot from the summer you had Mono.

Dating Sites Designed For Platonic Relationships

Considering so many singles are obsessed about seeking sex online, it`s hard to believe that there would be a site made strictly for people seeking relationships without sex. What is the fun in that? Despite the fact this website sounds like a painful joke to dating sites worldwide, it is actually is for a great cause.

Laura Brashier, a stage four cervical cancer survivor has created a dating site solely for singles who can not have sex due to disinterest, disability and life-threatening diseases and are looking for love.

A lot of people don`t think about the repercussions of surviving cancer and forget about the fact that many disease survivors can not have a normal or even an existent sex life due to complications during surgery. This site is amazing for singles who are still seeking a connection with someone who can love them unconditionally without expecting a sexual relationship with them.

The site entitled `2date4love` launched at the beginning of August and has already drawn in over two thousand visitors and members.

On this site, members can write details and personality traits about themselves and seek other members on the site who are similar to them. The site is designed to help survivors get the strength and courage they need to get back into the dating scene.

If you are down and out and looking for love without sex than your situation isn`t hopeless anymore. You`re not alone and there are plenty of people who are willing to love you for you and not for the sex.

Locate Sex Offenders on Facebook

If you have been reading this free dating blog for a while now, you know how dedicated we are with informing people about the dangers of having online chat sessions with strangers. Now, the world`s most famous social media network has just made people aware of high risk sex offenders that live in their neighborhoods with a just a click of a button.

If you live in the New York state, you can now find out where sex offenders are living and how close they are to you or perhaps to your child`s school with a new app offered on Facebook.

Today, the New York State Division of Criminal Justice Services have launched a brand new Sex Offender Locator app, which facebook members (i.e. everybody) can find on the New York State Public Safety Facebook page: (www.facebook.com/nyspublicsafety.)

Here at Chatroom Blogspot, we encourage users to share this application and to convince friends to use it as well because everybody should be aware of the dangers in their own neighborhoods.

Sex offenders are known to be trolling the net (especially on Facebook) looking for easy and more importantly, local prey. It only takes a few seconds to join and accept the application, so please add the sex offenders locator app on to your Facebook profile today.

Be smart and you can put your mind at ease by being aware as well.

The Pros and Cons of Chat Rooms

Socializing on the internet has become the main source of socializing for a lot of people. Online communicate is quickly becoming a substitute for face to face interactions. The amount of online communication tools nowadays is incredible. It has brought upon an efficiency in the way humans communicate, but also has brought about changes in the way humans interact. Places online, like chat rooms, allow people to express themselves in a manner that would less likely take place in a more personal setting.

Chat rooms can be used for people to talk live to other users that are online at the time. Some chat rooms have specific topics, like sex or education, for example, and some are completely open for many topics. The open chat rooms are the ones who are mostly associated with weirdos and creepers who do and say weird things to other users in the chat room. A safer alternative to going in a open chat room, is a private room where only certain users can join.

Chat rooms allow for people to speak back and fourth instantly without having to wait hours, or sometimes even days for a response.

However, even though a chat rooms allows you to meet up with anyone, you still have to arrange for a specific time to meet. Furthermore, if there is a glitch or computer crash, it could disrupt the conversation, which is much less of a concern when talking via phone or e-mail.

The anonymity and privacy in chat rooms allows for people to speak more freely and explore sides of themselves that they might not have a chance to otherwise.

Although, anonymity means that you can never be entirely sure who you`re really talking to. People are also more inclined to say perverted or cruel things, since there are fewer social repercussions.

Chat rooms allow for people with mutual interests to meet up with each other very easily. In most circumstances, such people may never get a chance to talk because it`s quite possible that they live half way across the world.

Overall, chat rooms are a great place to meet friends, potential dating partners, and ultimately nice people who have the same things in common with you.

Do We Really Need A FaceBook Tracker?

FaceBook is one of those social media networks and online chat platforms that everybody uses for cyber stalking purposes. For years, the words "Facebook tracker" has been highly searched on Google and any body who was gullible enough to download a so-called Facebook tracker application was privy to viruses on their computers. However, what we really should be asking ourselves if we really need a Facebook tracker in our lives?

The number one reason why people want a Facebook tracker is to see if someone of the opposite sex they like is viewing their profiles and photos. (Namely ex-boyfriends and girlfriends.) Unfortunately, if we get a Facebook tracker, your ex will see how many times you actually cruise their Facebook profiles and believe me, the hits to their pages will probably disturb them.

If you really want to see if an ex is interested in you, why don`t you just ask them how they are instead? A tracker will only affect everybody`s privacy settings and everybody will be exposed for the little cyber stalkers that they really are.

Get over your egos and your superiority complexes and just tell people how you feel already. Life is not a popularity contest. Your importance is not determined by how many of your exes and your acquaintances hit up your profile on a daily basis. A Facebook tracker will only bring out the worst in everyone and no one will ever feel safe looking at certain profiles again. Say no to a Facebook Tracker application today!

Missed Connections

We’ve been tabs on the Craigslist Missed Connections for the past few months for you, dear readers. And all that cruising research revealed a few patterns in these postings.

Missed Connections usually have one of two leads: “This is a long shot…” or “I’ve never done this before…”

Then the poster describes what the person in question was wearing, but leaves one critical detail out. He/she ends with “Tell me what color hat I was wearing so I know it’s you.”

It’s sort of the 21st-century equivalent of, “Meet me here. I’ll be wearing a yellow scarf and I’ll have my left hand in my pocket.”

This type of personal ad is nothing new: newspapers attracted hopeless romantics for years with entire sections of coded love letters. (“SWM seeks SWF…”)

Online dating seems to have taken the place personal ads, and probably for good reason. A match.com profile tells you a lot more than a 20-word half sentence, and photos somehow seem a lot more reassuring than a phone number.

But even online dating skeptics read Missed Connections religiously in a move that, when you really think about it, is more old-fashioned than anything else.

The idea seems to be that someone could spot you in a crowded bar and instantly know that you’re “The One.”This is, perhaps, the definition of a hopeless romantic.

Because when you think about it, a guy posting on Missed Connection probably remembers three things about you: your hair color, the size of your boobs, and what your ass looks like in a pair of tight jeans.

The guy on match.com, on the other hand, at least has the optionof looking at your interests and deciding whether or not you two would be compatible.

So, really, the guys posting on Missed Connections are looking for an opening line with a really hot girl who’d never give them the time of day if they approached her in a bar.

It’s rude and creepy to approach a woman and say, “You’re so hot.”

But when you go to Missed Connections and say, “Saw you on the Metro. You were so beautiful. Let’s get dinner?”, suddenly it’s romantic.

Anecdotal evidence seems to suggest that these postings rarely lead to relationships.

Though it is interesting to note that the most vague postings get the most replies in post form (we obviously have no way of tracking which posts get the most e-mail replies).

There’s a pretty obvious explanation for this: everyone who’s reading Missed Connections wants to find a post about themselves.

But if a guy posts, “You’re a brunette. I smiled at you on the blue line this morning,” isn’t that a little suspect? That he felt such a huge connection with this girl, but he can only remember her hair color?

And so, while we get that present company/circumstances/manners sometimes prevent people from making a move, it’s unclear how much a missed connection written by someone who saw you cross the street should count.

Seeing Where It Goes

“I just want to see where it goes.”

We hear that a lot when our friends start seeing a new guy. And while it’s good not to get ahead of yourself, it’s always better to approach a relationship with a clear understanding of your own expectations.

Like we’ve talked about before, the words “boyfriend” and “relationship” are really vague, empty terms. When one girl says she wants guy X to be her boyfriend, she might just mean she wants to exclusively hook up. But when her best friend uses the same word, she could be talking about nightly sleepovers and conversations about what to name their kids.

So while it’s fine to “see where things go,” you better have a clear picture of what you want the final destination to be.

Otherwise, it’s easy to end up as just a friend (with benefits).

When you come up with your own definition of what you’re looking for, it’s easy to nip negative behavior in the bud. (We’ll talk about how tomorrow.) You’ll also be more motivated to make sure you get what you want.

If you’re just “seeing where things go,” you’re more likely to keep things casual. Who cares if he never invites you out on dates or only texts when he’s wasting? You’re just testing the waters.

Once you’ve established a pattern of late-night hookups and sketchy communication, it’s harder to transition into “In a Relationship” on Facebook.

So while it’s fine to take things slowly and get to know each other, make sure you set certain standards and boundaries. Don’t tell him about them, but if you know you’re not looking for 3 a.m. booty calls, it’s easier to ignore the text when it comes.

Cyber Sex: A How-To Guide

The best thing about cyber sex is that you can remain totally anonymous and have the safest sex possible. So, whether you`re in a long distance relationship, or just enjoying some sexual fantasies over the net,

Whether or not you have a microphone, you`re going to have to be creative with your language. However, the language will totally depend on the the other person. Maybe she will want you to use explicit language, or maybe she prefers something more romantic. Feel her out first.

Start off by asking her what she`s wearing, then describe what you look like. Then converse back and fourth. Let her start the fantasy, then you continue it until you both end up having sex.

A lot of people feel that masturbating to a computer at first can be ridiculous, but it actually can be a great experience. If she can`t see you, but can hear you, breathe heavily on occasion to let her know that you`re really into it.

If you don`t have a cam or a mic, rather than masturbating with one hand and typing with another, take turns. Let her write while you satisfy yourself, then after you orgasm, you do the writing while she gets off.

Some things to keep in mind:
1. Remain anonymous
2. Don`t make a habit of it
3. If you surrender yourself to the fantasy, the other person can be anyone you want.
4. Have fun!

Shifts

As we age, our perceptions, preferences and desires tend to age and change right along with us. For some of us, the things that made us crazy with desire when we were young may not be the things that we will tend to seek out when we are older. At times we tend to forget the fact that Sex is not a static entity, but one that is always changing, shifting, adjusting and reshaping itself into something that is often entirely and completely different. Many men may have always loved the thought of big beautiful women, where some men may find it a preference that they either develop when they are older, or as a result of an encounter with a plus size woman that they find to be completely irresistible.

We can all think of someone that we thought was wildly attractive when we were younger that we would most probably not look twice at today, just as we can look at someone today that we find to be ridiculously sexy, even as we know that fifteen or twenty years ago we would not have considered them as any sort of option at all. Everything changes, and sex and our sexual preferences are most certainly no exception to this rule.

For many men, the thought of a very large woman is extremely erotic and enticing. They much prefer a female with a lot of flesh to enjoy and grab onto than being with someone who looks like they are crying out for a sandwich with some extra mayo. There are other men who think that they are only into very thin women until they meet some large woman who rocks their world and makes them reevaluate their previous thoughts on what they consider to be attractive. It is always best to simply keep our minds and our options open at all times so that we can enjoy all of the adventures that life will send our way.

All Friends With No Benefits

The thing that you really need to remember is that you have to make it clear right off the bat as to which type of relationship you want with the girl. If you start off by being friends with her because you just want to hang out with her, then she might ink that your intentions are just to be friends, and then you will be deemed to the friends zone for the rest of your relationship.

It is imperative to establish these boundaries immediately on the on set of your relationship, then, and only then, will you be able to get the girl of your dreams whether is be a casual dating or a serious relationship.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Survey the District: How to Suggest a Brazilian

Dear Date the District,

Re: The $30 Brazilian... how would you suggest this to a girlfriend? My girlfriend and I have been dating for almost a year and a half and I am worried that if I bring this up, she will feel self conscious, which I do not want because I really love her.

If only you could say, “Would you mind ripping your pubic hair out at the follicles?” with flowers.

Unfortunately, we don’t have an answer for you, but we do have some suggestions.

To start, we think the fact that you’re proceeding with caution, not because you’re worried she’ll get pissed at you, but because you don’t want to hurt her feelings, is a good sign. And if that statement is any indication of what kind of a boyfriend you are, we’re sure you can find a way to bring it up without making her feel bad.

But how you bring it up really depends on a lot of factors, like her personality, your personality, the way you two communicate, etc.

If you guys are pretty open about sex, you could try framing it as something new to try in bed. Say something like, “You know, I think it would be so hot if you got a Brazilian.” Offer to do the research, find a good place, and, most importantly, pay.

Or, if self-confidence is an issue, try saying something like, “You know, I was at work yesterday, and out of nowhere this naked image of you popped into my head. And all the hair down there… was gone. It was so hot that I couldn’t concentrate at all, and so I started Googling it, and it turns out it’s called a Brazilian wax, and, oh my God, if you got one, you would never have to buy me a Christmas present again.”

If bringing it up is the part that’s too awkward, you could go to a spa and buy her a gift certificate for a manicure, pedicure, facial, and Brazilian wax (or some other combo that includes a Brazilian but doesn’t make your intentions so obvious).

The 9-to-5 Blonde (whom you may remember from What to Wear on a First Date) also suggested waiting until her spring break trip (or summer beach weather) and buying her a bathing suit and a gift certificate for a Brazilian wax. It’s a sweet gift, and it makes the Brazilian seem like an afterthought.

But ultimately, honesty is the best way to make sure you don’t hurt her feelings. Because you haven’t fallen out of love with her, and you don’t think she’s ugly. You just want to try something new. And, unless she’s super sensitive, that shouldn’t offend her.

If she had a sexual request, you’d want her to share it with you, right? Make sure she knows that. And make sure that’s all it is: a request. If she says no, let it go.

Survey the District: Why Do Guys Lie for a One-Night Stand

Dear date the district,

I am a college senior and throughout my experience in the college hook up culture, I've found that pretty much all the guys I hook up with always feed me the same line in bed.  They usually say I really like you or something along those lines.  It infuriates me because in most cases its a one night stand and we both don't know each other.  It's an outright lie.  And its not like they are saying it to get what they want...they are in bed-they've got it.  Why do they always use this line? It's not a matter of hurt feelings or emotions but of annoyance.  Any ideas?

Sincerely,

Annoyed

You say it’s not hurt feelings, but it kind of is. At the very least, it’s upsetting to realize that someone is lying to your face and infuriating when you’re cognizant of the fact that someone’s trying to manipulate you.

Why are they saying these sweet nothings? Who knows. And honestly, does it change anything?

When you’re having one-night stands, your partner might as well be speaking a foreign language. You have no way of knowing what he means, but his intentions will usually be something along the lines of, have sex, keep in touch if he feels like it.

With a one-night stand, you’re there for the sex, and lies come with the territory. So don’t do it unless your sole intention is to get laid—and if you’re just after the physical stuff, why do you care what he says?

If the lies are upsetting, you might want to reconsider how comfortable you are with casual sex.

Anonymous sex really hits the spot every once in a while. But sometimes you’re after something more, and that’s when you start noticing everything a one-night stand isn’t.

It’s not companionship, it’s not love, it might not even be a crush. And if those things are bothering you, it’s probably indicative of something more.

If you’re looking for a relationship, one-night stands aren’t the first step. This can be a common misconception, especially in college, where casual hookups do sometimes turn into something more.

But more often than not, they don’t. People don’t go to Wal-Mart when they’re looking to buy a new Louis Vuitton, and in the same way, guys don’t go prowling for commitment-free sex when they’re looking for a girlfriend.

           

But if you’re really just upset about being lied to, just don’t encourage it. Don’t respond when he feeds you lines, and kick him out when it’s over. Give him a taste of his own medicine. 

Are You a Romantic?

After yesterday’s post, we asked a few of our friends for feedback.

These were the same friends that we’d mentioned yesterday, the ones who profess to believe in love, and they all responded in pretty much the same way: “I guess I’m just a romantic.”

But these friends don’t really come off as romantic. One has a degree in Gender Studies. Another wants to have sex with as many women as humanly possible, and rarely finds any that hold his interest for more than two dates.

Why are these realistic, practical, and intelligent people looking for a chick-flick ending?

To us, a romantic is not a person who stays true to his values and embarks on a journey to find his holy grail in a world of one-night stands and Craigslist casual encounters. Instead, a romantic is someone controlled by his emotions, abandoning logic and reason to chase the highs that come with infatuation.

Because that’s what makes someone a romantic. You fall for those feelings and don’t stop to examine the person that’s triggering them (note that the person triggers, not causes, these feelings).

If you’re really looking for a happy ending (and not the kind you find at a rub-and-tug place), the answer is in you, not another person.

Missed Connection of the Day: Wrong address, right time? - m4w - 25 (Bucknell St)

Me: Stopped by your house around 8pm trying to serve papers to the family who lived there before you

You: Very cute, came to the door in your pajamas, seemed interested

I drove away regretting not giving you my number, but I had other houses to get to. Reply with the name of the family I was trying to serve so I know its you.

Monday, May 21, 2012

To Pregame or Not to Pregame a Date

A lot of us do it, and most of us aren’t ashamed to admit it.

We’re not talking about masturbating or anal sex, but something that seems harmless, but somehow ends up feeling more contentious.

We’re, of course, talking about pregaming dates.

Pregaming is a habit most of us pick up in college and carry with us into our twenties. (And maybe even our thirties? We don’t judge.) It’s grounded in reasonable principles: if you’re headed out to an overpriced bar, you don’t want to spend $60 on rum and diets when you can get the same buzz from downing a bottle of two-buck-Chuck at home.

But pregaming can sometimes turn into something else. When you take a shot before a date, you’re not doing it to save money, you’re doing it to calm your nerves before. And that’s also reasonable. The danger, as with anything else, lies in taking things overboard.

If you have a glass of wine before he picks you up, it might make you feel better and he probably won’t notice anything. If you have two glasses of wine and you’re already nervous, you might start doing that drunk-girl thing where you talk too quickly and laugh too frequently.

You’ll make a better impression as a sober nervous wreck than you will as a relaxed drunk.

That doesn’t mean you have to lay off the good stuff all together. But if you have a beer beforehand, go easy at dinner. Don’t order mixed drinks, and keep up with your date.

If he orders a bottle of wine and no one’s driving, by all means, indulge. But you don’t want to be stumbling out of the restaurant if he’s stone-cold sober. Remember that scene in Superbad where Michael Cera’s character isn’t interested in sex because the girl’s too drunk?

No one ever plans to get wasted on a first date, but it’s surprisingly easy to let it happen. Pace yourself, and if the room starts spinning, order more food.

Meeting the Family

The holidays can be hard enough when you’re dealing with your own family, but the Thanksgiving/Christmas vacation sometimes provides an (unwelcome) opportunity to finally meet your boyfriend’s family.

So what should you do if his mother asks you to come to Christmas dinner? Or if you’re bringing him home, and you want him to make a good first impression?

1. Don’t show up empty-handed. Nothing makes a more favorable first impression than a present. Bare minimum is a nice-ish bottle of wine (plan to spend at least $30, brands like Yellow Tale are off-limits). If you’re going to be staying for more than just dinner (or if you just really want to kiss some ass), bring something else too.

You never want your host to feel obligated to serve whatever you bring, so don’t bring something like a fresh-baked apple pie (or really anything ready-to-eat), especially if you’re just staying for dinner. If you show up with a green bean casserole that won’t last more than 24 hours, your boyfriend’s mom is going to feel like she has to put it on the table. But what if she made a green bean casserole herself? She either has to serve both (which means the guests are going to compare and her offering will be found either superior or lacking—both of which are equally unappealing) or skip hers.

(Along the same lines, throw the bottle of wine in a nice bag so that the family doesn’t feel like they have to open it (although, in most cases, they probably will).)

But wait, you say, I make this amazing tiramisu brownie sundae that there’s no way my boyfriend’s mom is planning on serving! Doesn’t matter—it might not go with her menu, or Grandpa Nelson might be deathly allergic to chocolate. A food offering adds stress to an already stressful occasion for the hosts, so even if you’ve competed on Top Chef, no bringing perishables unless you’re asked.

Chocolates or, if you’re traveling, regional specialties from your home state, are OK as long as they’re gift-wrapped and clearly not meant for immediate consumption. Maple Syrup for New Englanders, cheese for French people, whatever.

But ask your S.O. for suggestions—unusual board games can make a great gift for some families, especially around the holidays when we’re desperate for entertainment that can appeal to three or four generations.

Don’t make it too personal—or too extravagant. No fancy picture frames, no jewelry, no candles you’ve been meaning to regift. Try to find something that the whole family can use.

If you’re really stuck, you can always bring a nice bouquet of flowers.

2. Ask questions. If you’re meeting his family for the first time (or even if you’re tight with his family but taking the plunge with the aunts and uncles), you might feel like you need to tell them your life story, to sell them on how wonderful you are. You don’t.

You’ll actually make a much better impression if you try to get to know them. Chances are, your boyfriend’s given them the low-down on your education level and current career. No one cares what you do on a day-to-day basis, and no one wants an hour-long rendition of the summer you spent backpacking through Thailand. If they want specifics, like what your parents do for a living, they’ll ask. If they don’t, you’re better off charming them by showing them how fascinating you find them. Ask cousin Suzy about her college applications, get his mom to tell you about her degree in art history. It’s flattering when people take a genuine interest in you, and once you’ve flattered them, they’re more likely to remember you favorably.

3. Don’t dominate the conversation. You may be the novelty at this year’s table, but the family still has traditions and catching up to do. Go with the flow, and remember that you’re there for decorative purposes. Sure, they invited you for a reason, but their holiday comes first. The more you smile and stay out of the way, the less you disrupt them.

Holidays are a chance for people to wax nostalgic, to celebrate the one thing that stays the same no matter how many new wrinkles each guest brings. Even if it’s fucked up, there’s comfort in the fact that nothing’s getting better, and the more you shake things up, the less your presence will be appreciated.

4. Send a thank you card. Yes, it might feel old-fashioned, but no one’s going to be upset/offended if you don’t send one, and everyone will be, at the very least, flattered if you do.

This means snail-mail—even if the invite came electronically. 

Sunday, May 20, 2012

My Bloody Valentine

Taken from Gawker's Valentine's Day horror stories, though we kind of doubt the fact-checkers are working round the clock on these ones.

I was 25, recently out of law school and a relationship I was sure would end in marriage, and I was working in a firm that I absolutely despised. I was heartbroken, disenchanted, and, at a fundamental level, bored with life. So I signed up for an online dating service.

After a number of forgettable dates with various mid-level managers, radiologists, IT guys, technical writers, and random other guys lost in the same sort of personal and professional morass of their 20s, seeking some sort of connection, I met a guy who was totally not my type. He’d recently quit his corporate job to start his own business, was about a decade older than me, and couldn’t properly conjugate the verb to take, leading my best friend to call him Captain Tooken.

The Captain and I saw each other irregularly at first. I was still drinking at the time, and in retrospect he was a second or third generation alcoholic, so our dates generally consisted of hanging out, drinking a lot, and not much else. Eventually a pattern emerged- we’d go out, see a movie or a show, have dinner, maybe hang out at his place, and at the end of the night he’d put me in my car and say goodnight, without even a kiss. (Drinking and driving is bad, children). After the fourth or fifth time this happened, it started to intrigue me that the Captain hadn’t made any sort of physical move, and this intrigue kept me in the quasi-relationship. As I mentioned above, I was feeling pretty jaded and numb, so anything out of the ordinary was enough to catch my attention. I had a blog at the time and would detail these dates, and had a crowd of internet strangers weighing in on why the Captain hadn’t tried anything physical yet. Some thought gay, others thought he was recovering from a bad relationship, I didn’t really care because suddenly I had something vaguely novel going on in my life.

Fast forward six months (yes, really). Captain Tooken still has not so much as kissed me, and is still walking me to my car after every date- now once a week or more- and hugging me goodnight. Valentine’s Day is fast approaching, and I wonder if this is going to change anything in our chaste goodnight dance. The blogosphere is getting restless, and encouraging me to take him down in the street like a wildebeest, all tongue and sexual frustration, the next time he walks me to my car.

The Captain tells me a few days before the big day that he will be away with his dad, so can’t do anything, but would like to make it up to me by taking me out a few nights before. We go to a notorious dive bar in our city for blues and PBR tall boys. It was an inauspicious time of the month for me, but I didn’t think anything of it given the nature of our relationship. His brother, sister-in-law, and mother all come to the bar that night, and pretty soon I am absolutely wasted (as is the rest of the family) and basking in the drunken warm feeling of being introduced to his family and everyone liking me, and all of us ordering next round after next round.

I wake up in the cold light of earliest morning in a room I don’t recognize, no clothes, my head banging with pain, with that absolutely certain feeling that I have done something I will regret. I turn my head an inch, despite the screaming hangover, and there is the Captain in bed next to me. The situation hits me in a rush. I lift up the sheets and see blood, everywhere. It looks like someone has slaughtered a pig on the bed. I slip out of the sheets and sneak off to bathroom to clean myself up, passing our clothes in the hallway, on the stairs. I realize I can’t even sneak out to my car and drive home because we’ve left my car at the bar on the other side of town. I do my best in the half bath and then slip back into the bed, careful not to wake up the Captain.

I feign sleep until he wakes up, looks around, gasps, and heads for the shower. I commence to stripping the bed (the mattress is in the condition you would expect), stuffing the sheets in the washer, finding his linen closet for fresh sheets, realizing the only other set of sheets he owns are twin size and won’t fit the bed, and eventually just throw the comforter over the worst of the scene and get dressed. It doesn’t dawn on me to flip the mattress until he has already turned off the shower and I don’t have enough time. By the time he comes out of the bathroom I’m downstairs on the couch, fully dressed, ready to get the hell out of dodge. We make small talk and he repeatedly asks me if I’d like to take a shower, and eventually we go to breakfast, all because I am trying so hard to not acknowledge the abattoir conditions I woke up to that I can’t manage much else, and at long last I am free and go home and fixate on what the hell.

We end up dating for another year, and neither one of us ever mentions our Valentine’s Day massacre. I never have the nerve to ask if he bought a new mattress or not.

The Politics of Online Dating

Finding dates and sex online may seem easy in the days of a social revolution, however just like high school, there are certain politics one must follow when pursuing an interested party for online chat sessions.

Many women feel disappointed about the matches they make online and it all has to do with what they put on their online dating profiles. With just a few mistakes, you can attract someone who is just interested in sex when you are actually wanting to pursue a long-term relationship. It`s so easy to meet someone you are not compatible with and if you took the time to flesh out your profile, then you will keep the losers at bay. Here is a simple go to guide in how to pursue online dating romances:

1. Make your online dating profile clearly reflect your needs and personality. Who are you? What do you want in a partner? What are your passions? These are a few questions that should be answered specifically. In order to properly articulate your needs, wants and interests, you need to put TIME into putting them out there. Try writing these important factors of yourself in 25 words or less. If you can`t possibly do that, how do you expect to meet the most compatible person for you when YOU don`t even know what and who you want in life?

2. Once you have figured out your needs, wants and interests and have expressed them in great detail, do NOT meet anyone whose basic needs, wants and interests don`t match yours…no matter how attractive they are.

3. To prevent yourself from being another sexual conquest, make sure you know how much time you need and what you need in your relationship before intimacy comes into play. Don`t give it up quickly to someone who is only interested in your profile photo. Build a relationship instead. If he is worthy of your affections, he will wait for you.

Friday Night Playlist

Not to be used with a random guy who bought you Delirium Tremens at Saint-Ex.

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

The Brazilian Wax

A Brazilian wax is a daring way to remove pubic hair in an era where it seems like everyone is bald. Some women prefer to keep some hair down there, so if it`s not your sex style, don`t be shamed into waxing everything off! It`s not for everyone.

What she said: It`s safe to say that you`re not alone in preferring to hang onto your body`s natural inclination to grow hair for your vagina. It`s funny but true, we are all susceptible to terms, even when it comes to pubic hair. There`s nothing wrong with going against the tide, especially when it`s your preference for sex and personal comfort. When it comes to guys, someone who is ready for sex and into you will most likely appreciate what you`ve chosen to do with your vagina. If not, show him the door and wait for someone who appreciates you for who you are.

What he said: No one likes hairballs, so if you like having your man go down on you, then you should have some sort of trimming in order. I don`t think anyone really enjoys a girl with a 70′s bush, well at least a very small portion do. Ultimately, it shouldn`t look like you`re rocking the jew-fro down there. It shouldn`t be an untamed wilderness. If your next door neighbor allowed his lawn to get out of control regularly, would you let it slide? Not so much! Landscaping is in order. A lot of guys love a brazilian, but there`s nothing wrong with rocking a landing strip or some kind of unique design. If you`re all about penetration and not about getting oral, this shouldn`t be an issue. But, if he`s going to go down on you, he should have a certain degree of say because every guy is going to do a better job if he enjoys the view.

Try dating guys who enjoy a nice bush: If you`ve been dating guys who are into the Brazilian landscape, it might be time to change your approach. Most guys I know don`t like the idea of a woman having hair anywhere except on her head. However, there are a lot of men out there who are into dating women who have hair down there and it might be worth your while to see if there`s an online personals site out there who can put you in touch with these guys.

Role-Playing 101

Role-playing is a lot like vacation days and money from your parents: it’s hard to ask for.

Women worry that if they bring up, they’ll come off as sexually depraved, and men assume their suggests will be shot down.

But two groups of people stand to gain a lot from a little after-hours acting: couples looking to spice up their sex lives and women who feel shy and intimidated when it comes to sex.

The first group is pretty obvious: you can (usually) only have sex with someone so many times before it starts to get stale, and role-playing (and really any other sexual experimentation) is a great way to make it feel new again.

Women who are still figuring out how to embrace their sexuality, on the other hand, might not seem like the most likely candidates. But by allowing participants to assume another identity, role-playing lets otherwise timid women (and men) become characters who don’t feel so shy about what they want. So maybe Mary’s uncomfortable having sex in front of a mirror, but her school-girl alter ego isn’t.

So how do you bring it up with your partner? You have two options: you can either talk about it beforehand, or you can just… do it. Walk into the bedroom in a long white button up and say something like, “Are you ready for your checkup?”

Or wait until you’re nakedly grinding all over him and say, “Hey, can we pretend that I’m a teacher, and you’re my misbehaving student?” Once someone’s turned on, almost everything seems like a good idea, and when he’s in that mindset, he’ll be much more likely to go along with it.

Role-playing is one of those things that most people really get in to once they’re there.

So what should you act out? Check back tomorrow for some suggestions.

How to Approach Online Dating

Our regular readers know that we’re huge proponents of online dating. When it’s used properly, it’s a great way to meet someone who shares your interests and values, which is pretty much the opposite of meeting guys in bars (i.e., is he cute enough? am I drunk enough?).

But sometimes it’s hard to figure out how, exactly to navigate this social stratosphere that no other generation has really used. What should you put on your profile? Should you message him first? What’s too sexy for a profile picture?

In our opinion, online dating works better as a conversation starter than it does as a matchmaking service. Think of it this way: you’re probably more likely to sign up for one of these sites when you’re new to a city and desperate to meet anyone—platonic friends included.

In fact, one of our friends who’s had the most success with online dating has a huge circle of friends that she meet on dating sites. This might not seem like a huge deal, but when you consider the fact that most people who sign up for these services are looking for love and come in with the highest of hopes and then quickly learn to move on at the first sign of incompatibility, it’s pretty remarkable that she keeps in touch with, much less befriends, people she romantically rejected.

But in the real world, think about situations that produce the most successful couples. How many couples meet at dinner parties or work events where they aren’t looking for love? And how many met at speed dating?

This is why we prefer free dating sites to paid subscriptions. When you sign up for OK Cupid, you’re testing the waters, seeing what’s out there. When you drop $200 for 6 months of Match.com, you’ve made a pretty big financial commitment to get what you paid for.

Guys are more attracted to women who seem laid back, casual, fun, and not too obsessed with the idea of finding “The One.” So your OK Cupid persona should project this persona. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t ignore messages from guys with facial piercings if your entire wardrobe is Lily Pulitzer. But it does mean your profile and messages should be more of a conversation starter than a marriage proposal.

Don’t look at your profile as the place to capture your personality so that the person on the other side of the screen can get to know the real you, deepest, darkest secrets included, and then decide whether or not you two would be compatible. In the real-world dinner party scenario, you wouldn’t tell the guy sitting next to you that could absolutely, positively never date a smoker and that you fall in love too easily. Instead, you would drop tiny tidbits of information in the hopes of drawing him in to the conversation.

Your profile should do the same thing. Your “About Me” section doesn’t have to be an autobiography. It doesn’t have to sum up your personality or list your flaws. It’s supposed to give the person looking at your profile something to message you about. And that’s why vague, abstract descriptions of your personality are actually a terrible idea, because a) they’re pretty boring to read and b) what’s he going to message you—“I procrastinate too!”?

Talk about things that are more on the unique/interesting side of things, but universal enough that someone can respond with his own experience. Things like travel, hobbies, etc. Try to be both specific and open-ended so that he can ask you about it. Something like, “I once backpacked through Guatemala and resorted to eating live fish.” Specific story that naturally leads to when/how/why you ate live fish.

Same goes for messages you send potential matches. Don’t say, “I also love The Big Lebowski—I bet we would get along really well!” Try more along the lines of, “So I’m a little new to this and not really sure how this works, but I just moved to DC and I see that you do yoga—do you have any suggestions for a good studio?”

Keep it short and sweet, like you would at a dinner party.

And treat the ensuing banter like a dinner party. Don’t provide unsolicited information. Don’t send overly long messages. Keep it light and casual. Online dating is just like meeting guys at any other place—this isn’t your only shot at love, so don’t act like you think it is.

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