Lessons in Love from the Jersey Shore

While we were snowed in this weekend, we somehow ended up watching a marathon of Jersey Shore.

We don’t usually get sucked into reality TV, but Jersey Shore is like eavesdropping on your neighbor’s divorce—or slowly watching eight 20-somethings develop skin cancer.

Anyway, we weren’t watching that closely, but we did notice two female characters (castmates?) had dramatically ways of approaching the summer fling.

First, there’s everyone’s favorite housemate, Snooki. Snooki is like the ugly friend of all the popular girls who thinks flirting means getting black-out and acting like a total ditz. We say “like” because the other girls aren’t much better. But Snooki is definitely the least attractive girl in the house, and she acts like she knows it.

Snooki blows it with every guy she hits on. She makes out with a girl in a hot tub full of people (and admits that she’s doing it “for the guys”), and then, two seconds later, makes out with one of the guys, who seems to recoil in disgust. She manages to get one guy to spend the night with her on the beach, but he seems to regain dignity as he sobers up, and they don’t do anything.

Snooki seems to approach things with a “this is who I am, deal with it” attitude. This makes great television, but does little for her lovelife.

Lesson 1: Getting sloppy is never sexy. For whatever reason, some girls don’t get this. They think it shows that they’re fun, or that they can keep up with the guys. Or they just think they need to get that drunk to make a move.

But there’s nothing less attractive than a drunk girl. If you don’t believe us, check out the “Drunk Girl” skits on SNL. We’re not saying you should abstain from alcohol all together, but don’t get plastered in front of a guy you like.

Lesson 2: Don’t be too aggressive. We’re not saying guys aren’t turned on by girl-on-girl make-outs. But forced girl-on-girl make-outs (i.e., making out with your best friend to impress a group of guys) don’t make you look good.

When the guys went back to the confessional, no one said, “The way Snooki grabbed that chick, yo, I dunno, I’d never realized how sexy she was before, yo.” They kind of said, “That was wild,” but they didn’t sound that excited about it.

Then there was the way Snooki literally grabbed The Situation (because we refused to call him by any other name) and shoved her tongue down this throat. He kind of pulled away at first, and, again, we didn’t get a confessional like, “Oh man, yo, when she grabbed me I was all, ‘Damn girl!’”, which roughly translates to, “I wasn’t interested.”

Check back tomorrow for our review of Sammi’s successes (and failures).

Meeting Guys in Bars

There’s one piece of dating advice that most women agree on: it’s rarely a good idea to meet guys in bars.

But they’re often hard pressed to explain the rationale behind this age-old adage.

There’s the obvious if-a-guy’s-looking-to-pick-up-girls-in-a-bar,-he’s-probably-not-looking-to-date-them argument, but it rarely feels like you’re being picked up (because when a guy starts dropping lines, you start making the secret come-save-me signal to your friends).

There’s also the added difficulty of making a good first impression when you’re drunk. One (or both) of you is going to end up looking like an idiot.

And there’s definitely a social stigma against meeting guys in bars. Drinking establishments are acceptable places to meet one-night stands, but if it’s anything more, how are you going to explain it to the kids? (See yesterday's post for an answer.)

But this weekend showed us, not the downsides to meeting guys in bars, but the advantages to meeting them elsewhere.

We went skiing with a group of girls, and we met up with a group of guys that we kinda, sorta knew.

These guys all ended up being perfectly dateable. At first we thought this was a weird coincidence, but then we realized that these guys had all gotten up at 8 a.m. to make it to the mountain by 10. Which means they probably hadn’t gone out the night before. Which means they thought some things were more important than drinking. They had also opted to spend money on recreational activities that didn’t involve killing brain cells. Which means they have interesting/enriching interests and hobbies. And finally, they had at least one thing in common with all the girls there: they enjoyed skiing.

When you meet a guy at a bar, the only thing you know, with absolute certainty, is that he enjoys drinking. He can tell you that he’s a lawyer, and makes a ton of money, and loves going sailing on the weekends, but he’s still choosing to spend his Friday night at a bar.

Which is fine. But when you meet someone, say, skiing, they’ve already been vetted in the ways we outlined above. You already know, going into things, that you share certain interests.

When you meet someone at a bar, the only thing you have in common is the fact that you both enjoying drinking.

A relationship founded on a bond forged by alcohol probably won’t be as successful as one based on a shared love of Wes Anderson movies.

So while going to bars might not be the worst way you can go about meeting guys, it probably isn’t the best either.

Thank Skype For Free Wi-Fi This Christmas

Do you love Christmas but do you hate waiting in airports without free Wi-Fi access? Although we can`t help you with your travel plans, Skype is more than happy to help you connect with your online chat buddies by offering you free Wi-Fi this Holiday season.

If you are a Skype user, you won`t have to worry about finding free Wi-Fi access in the United States as the much used service is offering a free hour of Wi-Fi access to third party wireless hotspots within select airports across the USA.

Your plane is delayed and you want to check your favorite free dating site to find a last minute date on New Year`s Eve? You don`t have to worry because from December 21st to December 27th, commuters and travelers will be able to chat with loved ones, friends and lovers via Skype video or voice call for free!

Of course, you`ll have to have Skype for Windows or Skype for MAC installed on your laptop. You will also need the Skype Wi-Fi app downloaded on your smart phone to use it on your iPhone or Blackberry.

So don`t worry this Holiday season about being alone because Skype will make sure you will always have company while you`re traveling to see loved ones this holiday season.

Why Finding "The One" Isn't Easy

When women look for relationships, they sometimes expect certain parts to come easily.

No one would sit around and wait for his/her dream job to come around. No one would say, “with the right career, I won’t have to work for it. I’ll just sit back and it’ll come to me.”

Instead, we go to grad school and take less-than-glamorous jobs and work our asses off to move up one (tiny) step on the ladder.

Yet most of us would say that finding a life partner is just as important as a good career, if not more so. So why, then, do we go out and ruthlessly pursue the latter but refuse to put any work in to finding the former?

Most of us wouldn’t think twice about looking for a job online. And if our friend said, “Yeah, I’m not gonna use Monster, because, I dunno, it’s not really as authentic—like, our parents used to look at the Help Wanted ads and mail in their applications. I think it should go back to being like that,” we’d tell her she was crazy.

But when our friends are opposed to online dating and events targeted at meeting guys, we see their points. (This isn’t to say that all dating sites and networking events are worth trying, but a lot of people seem morally opposed to even dabbling in these resources.)

It may seem unfair to compare “love” to a job search, but isn’t that what it’s really like? It’s about finding someone who both possess the qualities you’re looking for in a partner and finds traits in you that he wants in a girlfriend. You’re looking for a “good fit,” the same way you look for the best job that you’re qualified for.

(Not to mention the fact that an abstract idea about love is a lot less important than things like compatibility and similar values, but that’s a topic for another post.)

Of course, many of us grew up hearing stories about our parents, or grandparents, or friends of grandparents, who met when they weren’t looking for love and wound up being soulmates.

It makes for a great story, but it also makes us wonder. Back in the 30s, 40s, 50s, when most of these matches presumably took place, women depended on men for economic support the same way women today need a job to pay their rent.

At the same time, various world wars decimated the male populations in Europe (and, to some extent, the U.S.). So these women needed husbands to survive, and, at the same time, they faced stiff competition for eligible bachelors. And we’re expected to believe that the ones who found husbands sat around waiting for it to happen?

We’ve tested this theory before. We probed our grandparents on specific details of their courtship, and (without airing any specific family laundry) while one set did seem to just fall in love, one of our grandmothers very actively pursued our grandfather, but she leaves out most of those details when she retells the story.

Perhaps that’s because women were expected to be ladylike and wait to be pursued by potential suitors. And even though it’s been decades, our mothers (and grandmothers) still want to project these images when they tell their stories.

This isn’t to say that women should go after men the way they go after Tory Burch flats at a Bloomingdales sale. But when we tell ourselves that, with the right guy, everything will be easy and we won’t have to work, we’re probably doing more harm than good.

So if you are really looking to meet someone, and you aren’t have much luck at The Front Page, why not try kickball or OKcupid? If you do end up meeting your future spouse, you can take a page from our grandparents’ book and tell an alternate version of the truth when someone asks how you met.

How to Be a Total Man Magnet

Normally, we urge our readers to avoid Cosmo like the 34-year-old nephew your mom’s friend has to set you up with.

But we stumbled upon an article on the Cosmo Web site, titled, unsurprisingly, How to Be a Total Man-Magnet.

We’ve never quite figured out how Cosmo sells its business model to its readers (after all, if the writers are going to solve all your sexual and romantic problems in three to four issues, why would anyone by a one-year subscription?).

But some of these tips were not the dumbest things we’ve ever read, so we decided to share them with you.

Tip #1: Go out in groups of no bigger than three.

Cosmo says: “Larger groups of girls are supertough (read: intimidating) to approach. Three is a good number because your two friends can keep each other company when a guy walks up to chat with you.”

We say: We’ve talked about the validity of the he’s-just-too-intimidated argument before, but we’ll grant that most guys aren’t going to approach a group of 20 women, no matter how big their balls are.

The real issue is, why are you going out for the sole purpose of meeting guys? We’ve talked about the difficulty of meeting men in bars, and how the only thing you’re guaranteed to have in common with a guy in a bar is a shared love of alcohol. Couple that with everyone’s impaired ability to make a good first impression after a few G&Ts, and you’ve got a less-than-ideal place to pick up a new date.

Our advice? Go out with as big a group as you want. If you spend that much time strategizing about picking up guys in bars, you’ll probably project a sense of desperation that’s going to overshadow any strength derived from carefully calculated numbers.

Tip #2: Hold a drink in your hand.

Cosmo says: “Guys don’t want to be used. Meaning: They don’t want to buy you a drink right off the bat. My clients and I used to look for the girl with half a cocktail. That way, if she finishes her beverage while chatting with my guy, he could offer to buy her another to keep things moving.”

We say: This is ridiculous. Again, if you’re going to all this trouble to arrange the tiniest details to maximize flirting, the other half of your glass is going to be filled with desperation. And as soon as the guy gets a whiff of that, he’s not going to want any refills.

Tip #3: Smile genuinely.

Cosmo says: “So obvious, right? But I can’t stress it enough — and I can’t believe I ever acted aloof in an attempt to seem sexier. Now I know that women smile all the time naturally (when we’re nervous, when we’re trying to be polite, etc.), so if you don’t do it at all, you look like an unapproachable bitch.”

We say: Misogyny aside, Cosmo actually gets this half right. We’re constantly urging our readers to play hard to get, but you need to master the art of appearing both uninterested and extraordinary friendly. Guys aren’t attracted to women who come off as, well, bitchy. So smile. Be polite. But don’t give him all of your attention, and don’t flaunt your availability, sexual or otherwise.

Tip #6 (yeah, we skipped a few): Make positive small talk.

Cosmo says: “Once I started studying other women, I couldn’t believe how negative some of us appear. When you’re out on the town, you’re supposed to be having fun, and any complaint (“It’s hot in here!”), pessimism (“There will definitely be another terrorist attack”), or snarky quip (“Look at that chick’s belt — so 2002!”) pretty much pokes a hole in the fun-girl aura you should be projecting. Some better small-talk topics: recent vacations, favorite bands, hilarious movies. You can hit him with your deep, dark world-view some other time.”

We say: You don’t need to down a bottle of Xanax before you go to the bar, but most of us prefer being surrounded by people who seem happy. If you think the Cohen brothers have taken a turn for the worse, you don’t have to pretend that you loved A Serious Man (even if he did). But if you find yourself playing Debbie Downer, try to throw in a few positives for good measure.

It might seem easier to come across as intelligent or thoughtful by criticizing everything that comes up in conversation, but it’s actually a lot easier to arbitrarily hate everything than it is to come up with a reason for why Avatar was worth seeing.

Why You Should Take Care of Your Cyber Relationships

In this day and age, online chat relationships are becoming far more prevalent and the relationships we make online can last a lifetime. Here are some reasons why you should take care of your beloved cyber relationships.

They Are Special And Unique In Every Way

If you`re able to maintain a cyber relationship with someone for a long time, then you know that they have rich personalities and are rare gems. You should never take these types of friends for granted or they might disappear from your life completely.

They Always Lend Out a Helping Hand

We all go through rough times (especially during the holiday season) and cyber friends are always there to talk to and give advice when you need it. Reach out to these friends and make sure you convey your emotions with words instead of emoticons.

Holiday Cheer From Around The World

When it comes to the holidays, cyber friends are always punctual with sending Christmas e-cards to cyber penpals from around the globe. You should definitely send a Christmas card to your online friends this holiday season. Let them know how they have affected you and how you appreciate their friendships.

The Future

The older you get, you will be amazed as to how many friends disappear from your life. That`s why it is always important to appreciate your online buddies. Don`t be embarrassed that you think of them as your family. Love is love–no matter who you give it to.

Show Your Online Pen Pals How Much You Appreciate Them Today!

News Roundup: How to Have the Most Satisfying Sex (Hint: Don't Do It for Money)

Gawker recently posted on what seems like the biggest waste of tax dollars ever commissioned--apparently some people in Texas (and by “people” we mean University of Texas at Austin) studied “college-aged” men and women to figure out what made for the most satisfying sex.

First of all, let’s talk about how satisfying the sex lives of college students are. This is the period in life when most people lose their virginities, engage in drunken hookups, and spend a lot of time trying to impress their peers and partners with their sexual prowess.

So they’re drunk newbies who don’t want to admit that they don’t know what they’re doing. Couldn’t we, perhaps, survey 30-somethings, who’ve probably figured a few more things out?

We’d argue that very few women have satisfying sex lives at this point in their lives, mostly because they’re still getting over 18 years of upbringing that taught them that female sexuality was icky. They’re too shy to ask for what they want, some don’t’ even know what they want, and a large majority have probably never had an orgasm.

But, OK, here’s the list of dos and don’ts Gawker compiled.

Do:

-have sex for love and commitment. This probably showed up on the list because, as we mentioned before, so many college kids are having one-night stands or hookup buddies with whom it’s hard to achieve the level of trust and comfort required to really figure out the mechanics of sex (penetration aside). It’s probably less that these people are finding sexual satisfaction in love and commitment and more that they’re comfortable having sex with people they love and are committed to. When you have a boyfriend, you can talk about what is and isn’t working for you, and you can create a sexual to-do list. But when you bring a guy home from a bar and you’re convinced that the only way to get him to stick around is to be the best he’s ever had, you’re probably not going to get a lot out of it.

 -have sex to "express something to [your] partner, like gratitude or apology."

Apparently women were more satisfied when they used sex as a way to say “thank you” or “I’m sorry.” We would love someone to explain this study to us in terms of the scientific method, but if we had to guess, we’d say, again, you’re more likely to be thanking or apologizing to someone you know pretty well. So it’s less about getting in fights to have better make-up sex and more about finding a relationship, which usually involves arguments and presents.

Don’t:

-have sex to raise your self-esteem. This is actually probably the only interesting/relevant point this study makes. College women in particular seem to use sex as a method of validation (or, yes, a quick-and-easy self-esteem boost). After all, if someone has sex with you (or even makes out with you), that means you’re doing something right, right?

Actually, no. Men (and women) have sex for a variety of reasons that include things like being horny and taking too many shots of tequila. So if a guy’s having sex with you, it doesn’t even mean that he likes you, but, more importantly, sex is one of the worst forms of validation out there.

If you’re having sex for self-esteem, it’s no wonder you feel unsatisfied, because after you have sex, you’re not magically a more confident, out-going person who loves herself and is totally comfortable in her own skin.

Sex is pretty good at delivering physical pleasure and babies, and that’s it. So if you’re trying to use to for something else, it’s not going to work, and you’re just asking for disappointment.

-have sex "to get goods, favors or other resources." What college kids are having sex for money?? Or a boost on their chem exams? Apparently a lot has changed since we universitied, but we’re not surprised that literally whoring yourself out might not make your toes curl. But when you’re having sex to get something, sexual satisfaction probably isn’t your top priority.

-have sex "to have a new and exciting experience." This one is kind of surprising, and, we’re calling it, kind of bullshit. Neither Gawker nor the original article provide any specifics on this, and our question is, who’s having sex to have a new experience?

If you’re having sex for the sake of having sex, you’re probably losing your virginity, and research that suggests that the first time is rarely the best time isn’t exactly groundbreaking.

Or maybe you’re trying keeping a to-do list. Maybe you’ve always wanted to have sex with a rock star, or a European, or a redhead. Again, it’s not surprising that the pay-off is rarely as good as the build-up.

But what people looking to experiment with role-playing or having sex in an unusual location are also after a new and exciting experience, and a lot of them like the thrill that they get from pretending to be someone else or taking sex outside of the bedroom.

So if any of this research is “news” to you, maybe you need to go back and read our archives. 

Missed Connection of the Day: Very Cute 20 something 'little girl' - 35 (Metro)

This is possibly the creepiest thing we've ever seen on Craigslist (and that's saying something).

Riding on the metro yesterday and as you turned and bent to sit down, my wife and I noticed you were wearing a pull-up under your more juvenile clothing. Couldn't tell what kind and it wasn't that you weren't being discreet...we just notice these things.

Write us back and let's talk...we understand everything!

Tell us what line you were on in the subject to help us avoid spam.

Not Looking for a Boyfriend? Think Again

“I’m not looking for a boyfriend.”

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard that sentence. At work, on the metro, in the bars. But the women who say it aren’t seeking sexual liberation. They’re not trying to eliminate distraction while they focus on their jobs, careers, or education. They’re not even girls who’ve tried dating and realized that it’s not for them. No, here’s the monologue they always give in defense of the single life:

“So, I’ve been hooking up with this guy, you know? And not, like, every night, but, like, every night he’s drunk, for sure. And not because he, like, doesn’t like me or anything, it’s because he’s too nervous to make a move when he’s sober. He told me that once when he blackout. It was really cute actually. Anyway, so, like, I texted him last night, and he wasn’t responding. Like, I sent him, like, three texts. And, like, I know he always goes to McFadden’s on Friday nights with his kickball team. So I decide to just show up. And I get there, and he’s making out with this blonde chick! Like, I assumed we were exclusive after that one night he called me to come pick him when he was puking on U Street. So, whatever, I’ve just realized that… I’m not looking for a boyfriend.”

Really? That’s the conclusion you’re drawing from this situation? Let’s leave that for now and talk about what this denunciation really means.

These girls aren’t swearing off men all together. Instead, they want to “keep things casual.” That means they want to continue to hook up with guys, but they’re not going to expect or pursue a relationship. So they’ll still send the 3 a.m. booty call text. They’ll kick him out right after climax. They’ll send even more shameless (and desperate) e-mails and texts because, “I don’t wanna date him, so I don’t care what he thinks.” And then when they see him sucking face with that blonde, well, who cares?

Except that they always do care. And why shouldn’t they? These girls are, essentially, being rejected, because their FWBs could be making out with them right now, but are choosing to swap spit with someone else instead. The guy wants to kiss the blonde, and, sadly, he doesn’t want to kiss you.

And that can make you think, “Well, what was I to him?” To answer that, let’s think about what he was to you. He got to have sex with you, if not every time he wanted it, at least 50 percent of the time. He maybe got to take you to a few office happy hours and birthday parties when showing up without a date meant showing up and spending the whole night being introduced to 40-something singles. But he never had to take you out to dinner. He never had to call and check in with you. He never had to do anything that required going out of his way at all. Maybe he never even had to make the trek over to your place to get a blowjob.

Most guys know what they want when it comes to girls, especially the fratty bros who seem to immigrate to DC each spring right after graduation. Above all, they want sex. A relationship’s fine, as long as it doesn’t require too much work, but they almost always require more work than not being in a relationship, and when they can get sex without having to buy flowers, well, why not save $12.99?

Girls don’t tend to think the same way. For them, sex is like a belt on an outfit: a relationship’s no good without it, but other things are more important. They want someone who will come to the happy hours, meet their friends, and change their flat tires. But they’ll settle for just sex because it’s better than nothing.

More simply put: even if a girl says she’s not looking for a boyfriend, if the man of her dreams showed up on her doorstep one morning and got down on one knee like the guy in the Taylor Swift song, she wouldn’t say, “Um, actually, I’m not looking for that right now.”

And so a hook-up buddy basically turns into a boyfriend who’s allowed to treat you like crap and still get the thing that’s most important to him.

When a girl says, “I’m not looking for a boyfriend,” usually what she really means is, “I’m not looking to get hurt again.” But when a guy figures out he can blow you off and you’ll still blow him, what’s the incentive not to hurt you?

This doesn’t mean you should tell guys that you’re looking for a relationship (in fact, never, ever do that), but it does mean that you shouldn’t let things get to that point.

This brings us back to the initial misread of the situation. Instead of blaming the blonde on relationships, blame it on the lack of a relationship.

And, above all, stop telling yourself that you’re not looking for a boyfriend.

Making a Guy Jealous (Part I)

Dear Date the District,

Do you think there’s an advantage to talking about dudes/exes to make a guy jealous?

First, we’d like to commend this reader on her brevity (not that we don’t love those of you who write in with page-long questions).

And then we’d like to dash her dreams of one-stop seduction with a resounding and unequivocal no.

It sounds so good in theory! How many times have you seen your cute coworker chatting up the girl from accounting and spent the next two hours plotting new and improved ways to get there first? Can’t you use that to put him in the same mindset?

 Here’s the thing: when it comes to crushes, guys can be a little more practical. That’s not to say that they don’t pine over one-true loves or spend hours looking at their exes’ Facebook photos, but if they haven’t made an investment, they’re more likely to abort mission if you seem taken.

Girls are more likely to develop crushes and obsess, spending hours trying to analyze what that nod at happy hour meant, why he asked them about their plans for New Year’s. Once the train leaves the station, it’s not going to stop, and it becomes really hard, if not impossible, to hit the brakes on those feelings.   

Guys, on the other hand, usually don’t spend as much time fantasizing about their 60^th wedding anniversary—they’re more interested in the here and now. If a girl’s cute and she’s single, great! If she’s cute and she’s taken, it’s easier for guys to nip a crush in the bud before he gets attached.

If you try to bring up potential competition too early on (e.g., before he’s even asked you out), you could scare him off—not because he’ll assume you’re not interested, but because he realizes the odds are not in his favor.

This doesn’t mean you should make yourself seem available—definitely don’t bring up the fact that you’re single, looking, whatever. He probably won’t assume there’s a boyfriend if you don’t mention one, so there’s no need to reassure him that he’s on the right track.

If you drop masculine names, you also run the risk of looking too focused on finding a relationship. We’ve already talked about why using the term “ex-boyfriend” isn’t buying you anything, but there’s also the fact that the most attractive people are the ones who seem totally self-sufficient, satisfied with their lives, and over any past relationships.

When you start hinting at guy friends in what you want him to think is coded language, you’re opening yourself up to interpretations that aren’t conducive to great relationships.

For starters, you’re basically inviting him to assume that you’re dating other people.

Yes, it’s probably advantageous for most single 20-somethings to be dating several people at once if the opportunities present themselves. But drawing attention to your jam-packed dating schedule is more sleazy than sexy. We hate to have to drop this line again, but it’s the whole lady-in-the-street-freak-in-the-bed thing.

If you take it back to biology, it’s really important for men to find faithful partners because that’s the only way they can be sure to pass on their genes (when a woman sleeps around, she still knows she’s the mother of her child). There’s obviously more to it than that, but the bottom line is that most men aren’t looking for women who seem promiscuous (regardless of how committed they might be to their own promiscuity).

So when you mention your trip to the movies with your friend who just happens to be named Adam, you’re implicitly giving him the go-ahead to keep things casual (and a lot of guys are looking for any invitation to do just that), and you’re also drawing attention to your own lack of innocence, which, as unfair as it may be, makes you seem less desirable.

The bottom line is, if he finds you attractive, he’s probably going to assume that other guys do too. Reminding him that your powers of seduction work on other people does more harm than good.

That being said, there is a but. After you’ve established a relationship (i.e., you’re officially “dating”), it can be advantageous to mention other men—as long as you take steps to desexualize it. More on this tomorrow.

The Women's Guide to Being Good in Bed

When my friends and I first started having sex, we spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to be good in bed.

We learned about sex from Sex and the City, Cosmopolitan, and the occasional overly graphic movie we weren’t supposed to be watching. All three mediums presented sex as a competition that you could only win by being the best lover your partner ever had.

We weren’t quite sure how you were supposed to accomplish this. Was there a secret move, a certain thrust of the hips, that was the key to being a veritable vixen?

I have shamelessly asked countless male friends this very question, and it has gotten me a little closer to some kind of answer. Obviously sex is different for every person, but there are some things that most guys seem to like.

The guys I have talked to have overwhelmingly said that their most memorable partners have all one tiny, simple thing in common: they’re really enthusiastic in bed. That is, they're really into having sex.

They initiate it, they suggest trying new things, they seem uninhibited and they tell a guy exactly what to do to make them come.

Obviously there's a limit to this: Most guys would get a little freaked out if a girl pulled out a strap-on and told them to bend over the first or second time they had sex.

But, in general, guys have healthy sexual appetites, and they're looking for someone who is as hungry for an orgasm as they are.

Showing a guy that there’s nowhere else you'd rather be turns out to be the best move you can pull in bed.

How can you do this? The first step is body confidence.

A lot of girls feel insecure when they're naked. Our society teaches women to look at each other critically, to seek out the flaws and imperfections in each other's bodies.

Occasionally, women assume that men are doing the same thing. But men aren't wired like that, especially when a situation presents them with the potential for sex.

Their hormones kick in and the blood leaves their brains and heads south, leaving them with only one thought: "Naked girl - hot!"

The fashion world has also created an image that most girls I know aspire to: thin to the point of malnourishment, with hips as narrow as a 10-year-old boy's.

However, this picture is designed to intimidate every girl who can't fit into dolls' clothing, which makes it harder to get naked without feeling self-conscious.

Again, this is not what guys are thinking. If you flip through an issue of Playboy, you won't see any protruding ribs or skeletal arms. Instead, you'll see curvy hips, thick thighs and asses you could balance a dinner tray on.

Any guy is probably going to be turned on by whatever he finds under a girl's clothes, as long as she presents her body as something that should turn him on.

Act like you are really enjoying your body, even if you're feeling a little bloated. Don't hide under the sheets, and don't insist that he turn off all the lights before you even take off your shirt.

If you still feel a little self-conscious, imagine that you are an entirely different person, someone who can't wait to show off her naked body. Pretend you're acting in a sex scene in a movie.

What would your character do? Eventually, your persona's self-assuredness will translate into confidence in your own body.

Then keep the enthusiasm coming. This doesn't mean that you should fake anything, but sometimes when you try things that may at first seem a little out of character, you start to feel more comfortable and open up to new things.

Start with baby steps. Touch yourself. Let the guy watch. Initiate a blowjob.

Foreplay is your chance to let loose a little more. If something feels good, don't be afraid to moan or tell the guy how it feels.

Again, don't force anything. If something isn't working for you, do something about it. Move his hand or his head and point him in the right direction, or give him verbal instructions.

Guys already know they can get themselves off, so they're usually much more interested in trying to get you off too. Let yourself get really turned on.

When it comes to actual sex, some girls can be a little passive. They're content to let a guy get on top and do all the work, while they lie on their backs without making a sound.

If a guy is really into sex, and you're not, it's a buzz kill. This doesn't mean that you have to put your legs behind your head or twist yourself into a really awkward position, but your partner should know that you're having fun.

If something is not working for you, change positions. If you're having trouble climaxing, reach down and touch yourself.

You should be making noise not because you're forcing yourself to, but because you're genuinely into what you're doing.

You can also demonstrate your enthusiasm by trying new things. Dirty talk can be an easy thing to start with because you don't even need to bring it up ahead of time.

While you're having sex, start telling your partner how good he feels inside of you.

If he responds positively, take it further. Get graphic; use descriptive language (here's where college creative writing classes actually comes in handy).

Sometime when you're not having sex, you can also suggest trying different locations, role-playing, vibrators, sex toys, and whatever else sounds sexy to you.

In some ways, girls have it easy. All we have to do to be good in bed is have really intense orgasms.

Why Men Love Giving and Receiving Oral Sex

Eating a woman out is one of the best ways to make her On the other end of the spectrum, men love to get oral sex, especially from a woman who knows what the fuck she is doing. Men like it when a women uses her lips, tongue and hands when going down there. Even if she shows mediocre skills, just the fact that she is willing to try will turn him on.

A blow job signifies a lot more than just a a sexual act, it is a way for the man to feel more powerful during sex. They can lie back and take all the pleasure they want.

A lot of men like it when there girl touches their anal region when they are giving him a blow job. It is only natural that a woman`s lips and fingers stray to that area since it is so close by. However, there are men who really dislike being touched there because they sometimes link that region with homosexuality.

It is often men who are completely comfortable with their masculinity that are comfortable with anal play.

The best advice I can give you when giving oral sex for both guys and gals is to simply observe their reactions while you`re going to town. If they seem like they`re enjoying keep doing what you`re doing.

The Hardest Part of Breaking Up Is Actually Doing It (Part 3)

Third scenario: the guy you’re “seeing”

Maybe you’ve met his parents. Or his friends. Or he’s taken you to brunch at Liberty Tavern one too many times for you to say, “We’re just getting to know each other.”

At this point, you need to do it in person. But the face-to-face is actually less about manners/his feelings and more about practicality.

The person on the receiving end of a “We should see other people” speech rarely succeeds in “not taking it personally.”

In fact, when most people realized that they’re being dumped, they take it pretty badly.

If you break up over the phone, or on Gchat, or at your apartment, he can yell, scream, cry, call you names, guilt-trip you into staying with him while he “rides out the pain.”

But if you break up with him in a bar, coffee shop, or other public place, the pressure to adhere to social norms will keep him from going too crazy.

Don’t make this a bigger deal than it has to be. Don’t ask him if he wants to get drinks at the Ritz. Instead, say something like, “Do you want to get coffee after work?”

Try to avoid alcohol at all costs. Lower inhibitions might make you feel more comfortable, but you don’t want him feeling “relaxed” enough to start crying, screaming, whatever.

Doing it in public keeps it short, sweet, and somewhat civil.

So come right out and say what you’re feeling the moment he sits down. No half-hour discussion about last night’s episode of The Big C as your lead-in to, “So, I’ve been thinking…”

Be as honest as you want, but, generally, the less you say, the better. If you say, “You know, I really want to date someone who plays kickball,” he’s going to take that as, “If I join a kickball team, we’ll stay together!”

Remember, you’re not obliged to hear him out. But again, it’s different for every relationship. If you’re breaking up with your fiancée, there might be more to say than there would be with your friend’s cousin’s brother that you met at a wedding.

If he’s being mean, rude, or just generally unpleasant, you have every right to say, “I have to go. I’ll call you when I’m ready.”

The bottom line is, the more serious the relationship, the harder the breakup. But if you do it in public, you’re making composure and priority, which should make the whole process at least a teensy bit smoother.

Survey the District: How to Make Him Like You Back

dear date the district,

could you perhaps offer some advice as to how a girl goes about asking a guy out?/sparking the attention of a guy? so far the posts have mostly been about how to act when already in the middle of a hooking up relationship or about how to act when being pursued.

Unfortunately, we never post about this because there really is no trick to making a guy like you.

There’s usually an initial on ne sait quoi that makes two people want to jump each other’s bones, and if people could figure out how to force this, match.com would go out of business.

But while there’s no magic potion you can slip in his drink, there are things you can do to make yourself look more attractive to the opposite sex in general.

To start, you have to stop thinking of them as guys.

A lot of girls seem to switch personalities as soon as a guy walks into a room. They get giggly and ditzy. They go into flirting overdrive. They latch on to a guy and try so hard to engage him that it looks like they’re about to attack their potential crushes.

Strong come-ons rarely turn guys on, for reasons we’ve discussed countless times. When a girl seems like a sure thing, the guy looses the thrill of the chase. And while he might take her home that night, he’s probably not going to take her out to breakfast the next morning.

So if 90% of girls turn into man-hungry fiends when they smell male pheromones, you can distinguish yourself by not giving into the urge to go crazy when you’re talking to a guy.

What does that mean? Treat him like a girl. If you were meeting your friend’s new roommate for the first time, you wouldn’t rub her chest and say, “Ohmygod, that sweater looks so soft!”

And you wouldn’t clam up and wait for her to talk to you.

Instead, you’d probably start with something like, “Oh, what do you do?”

If the conversation turned to the subject of her favorite restaurant, you wouldn’t say, “You and I should totally go there some night. Just the two of us.” You wouldn’t get nervous and start talking too much. You wouldn’t brag about how many guys have asked you out this year. If you act the same way around a guy, you give your awesome, bubbly personality the chance to shine through.

But what if you’re already friends with the guy you like (as the reader above seems to be)?

These types of situations tend to get really sticky really quickly. When you like your guy friend, it’s easier for him to (unwittingly) hurt your feelings. Because you have feelings for him, you might subconsciously hold him to higher standards. But because he doesn’t know about your feelings, he doesn’t know to adjust his behavior. And he’ll treat you like he treats all his other friends. That might mean accidentally passing out at 10 p.m. when you two were supposed to hang out later that night.

If your girl (space) friend pulled that move, you’d probably be pissed and give her shit about it, but you’d ultimately accept her apology. But if the guy friend you like does this, you might want to send him a text along the lines of, “omg i can’t believe u blew me off i am so sick of putting up with ur shit do u care about me at all?”

If your girl (space) friend sent you a text like that, it would feel like it came out of left field. And that’s exactly how your guy friend feels too. Psychosis doesn’t look sexy on anyone, so that isn’t the way to win your friend over.

If you want to date him, your best bet is to make him realize how much he likes hanging out with you while making him question whether or not he has a chance with you. This means not dropping everything to hang out with him each time he calls. If your best girl (space) friend asked you if you wanted to come over and help clean her apartment, you’d say no. Don’t give this guy special treatment.

When you feel yourself getting mad or jealous, pretend that he’s a girl that you feel bad for, but don’t really like. You know that friend of a friend who just moved into your neighborhood, and she’s really aggressive and awkward, but you can’t blow her off completely without pissing off your friend?

Instead, you let her down really easily. When she calls for the fifth night in a row, you say, “Oh my God, I would love to come over and hang out with your cats, but I have to work late tonight. Such a bummer though!”

Do the same thing with him. When he texts the next morning to apologize for sleeping through the party he was supposed to take you to, tell him it’s no problem!!! But when he calls you that night to see if you want to come over, tell him you’d really, really love to, but you promised your goldfish that you’d hang out with her tonight.

Survey the District: New Year's Dilemma

Dear Date the District,

Ok, so here's my conundrum for New Year's Eve. Two friends that happen to be attractive women are coming to visit over New Year's Eve. I told one of these girls that I'm attracted to her. She was 'shocked', 'didn't know what to say' at that time, etc. This happened three months ago. Now, I'm involved with someone around the area. Definitely not exclusive, but she's starting to get attached.

I don't think I could nor want to spend NYE with all three. Then again, nothing may ever come of me and this friend visiting. What do I do?

Anonymous

We hate to be the bearer of bad news, but when you tell someone you have feelings for her and she tells you she’s “shocked” and speechless, it’s usually not a good sign.

It’s probably not worth wasting too much time on this girl. Even if she was interested, when you start out as long distance, you’re usually don’t get very far. Why waste your time pining over someone who’s a train ride away when it sounds like you’ve got something within walking distance?

On to your New Year’s problem: why are you so afraid to put these women in the same room? It sounds like the second friend doesn’t even know that she’s your third-favorite crush, and your new hook-up shouldn’t know about your out-of-town dream girl (unless you told her).

Causing drama and/or acknowledging the awkwardness are the two worst things you can do in this situation. Even if it is awkward, you’re the only one who feels it.

If you call this not-so-mysterious visitor and say something like, “Hey, I just wanted to know that I’m seeing someone, and now you’re coming, and I don’t know what to do!”, it’s gonna be a major turnoff. Most girls aren’t attracted to guys who seem like they’re not in control or emotional basket cases.

On the other hand, if you e-mail her and say something like, “Hey, my date for New Year’s suggested that we do X, what do you think?”, you’ll eliminate a lot of the “What ifs?”

Even if you’re trying to seduce these two “friends,” the best way to do that is to appear unavailable. And you’ll definitely send that message if you show up with a date.

But we’re guessing that seduction is a lost cause at this point, at least with girl number one. If she’s known your intentions for three months and hasn’t done anything about it, she’s given you a pretty good indication of how she feels.

Whatever you do, don’t hit on the other two girls if you all end up at the same party. It’s only going to piss off the new girl and make the other two really uncomfortable (and really turned off), leaving you with no one to kiss at midnight. There’s nothing worse than listening to tired clichés about how beautiful you look and how well you two would work together, especially after you’ve told a guy that you’re not interested. That kind of stuff only works in the movies, and if you’re still taking cues from chick flicks, we have bigger problems.

And if you get there and realize that the sight of all three girls at the same table makes you really uncomfortable, drink up. You have all New Year’s Day to sleep off the hangover.

What We Talk About When We Talk About Love

Women in their 20s often talk about dating as the process of “finding Mr. Right.”

Men fall victim to this delusion too: in fact, over the past few weeks, we’ve had countless conversations with our otherwise rational friends (of both genders) who are convinced that “love” is something more than compatibility, that it’s a feeling that can’t be described or controlled.

And that got us thinking: maybe Raymond Carver was on to something.

The single biggest flaw in most people’s approach to dating, may, in fact, be the language they use to describe it.

When we use the word “love,” are we talking about that heart-pounding, all-consuming sensation that we feel when our hot neighbor says, “What’s up?” Or are we talking about the way we feel about our friends and (sometimes) our families, a duller sense of gratitude towards and happiness about this person’s presence in our lives that accepts imperfections and grounds expectations in reality?

We use the same word to describe both (“I’m in love with the UPS guy” and “I love you, Mom”).

But they mean two very different things. And the problem is, we’ve been using the same word to describe two very different ideas for our entire (English-speaking) lives.

So when we say we’re looking for love, we chase the thrilling romantic sensations that tend to be more fleeting than the durable, platonic variety.

This, in and of itself, isn’t an issue (especially when we’re young), but if you look at successful long-term relationships, they don’t look anything like a typical second date for Katherine Hiegel.

It’s a scientific fact: those intense emotions and feelings fade after a few years, and once they’re gone, something else has to sustain the relationship. And because we’re using the same word to describe two things, and because we desperately want both of these things, we tend to assume that one leads to the other. Desire must breed companionship, because that’s the only thing that makes sense.

But no matter which meaning of the word “love” we’re after (romantic or platonic), we’re still talking about something we feel. Not something that someone does to us, but something that we, essentially, impose on ourselves.

A certain bone structure may have a tendency to make your stomach flutter, but when it comes down to it, your cute coworker isn’t the one firing neurons in your brain. You might not have any conscious control over that process either, but, in the end, your amorous feelings say a lot more about you than they do about the person on the receiving end.

You love that funny, blue-eyed banker because you (for lack of a better word) value blue eyes and a good sense of humor and a healthy bank account, not because the combination of these three characteristics casts an irresistible spell over all who encounter it. If men were able to cast spells, the concept of taste wouldn’t exist. You wouldn’t look at your best friend’s boyfriend and go, “What does she see in him?”, because if he’s casting a spell, you’re under it too.

If we look at “love” as something that’s about us, not them, it becomes clear that dating isn’t about finding the right person, it’s about figuring out what that person looks like. You’re not browsing OkCupid to find a person who inexplicably makes you feel a certain way; you’re doing some serious soul-searching to figure what qualities trigger those feelings.

Yes, our (otherwise) rational friends say, we get that infatuation isn’t love. You see a guy and your heart starts pounding but that feeling goes away as soon as he opens his mouth. But how do you explain the overweight drummer you fantasize about even though you know that you’re looking for a guy with a regular paycheck and a workout regiment?

Mostly with biology. We all watched that pheromones video in Bio 101, with the women smelling men’s t-shirts and being most attracted to the scents of men whose DNA was the most different from their own.

Because we can’t control fluttery-stomach feelings, they’re probably as hard-wired as our instincts to inhale and exhale. And it’s just like feeling like you’re going to explode when you hold your breath for too long. Your brain is making your body feel a certain way because it wants you to react—sexually.

When you fantasize about that drummer, you’re not picturing the white house with the picket fence and 2.8 offspring. You’re picturing him giving it to you hard and fast on the desk in your boss’ office. You’re using the word “love” when you really mean “sexual desire.”

And when that “spark” isn’t oozing sexuality, it’s probably worth listening to. Maybe the drummer really listens to you when you talk, and maybe that’s more important to you than you thought it was. Maybe you have a hard time admitting to yourself that, for you, a BMW isn’t worth to you as a well-written poem, even though all your friends tell you that it is.

But again, it’s about you. Not him.

In Defense of Games

We’ve had quite a few comments from readers who seem to object to the idea of playing games. If you’re looking for a nice guy, they argue, you don’t need to play games. Games only attract assholes, and they aren’t necessary if you meet the right guy.

Sometimes you do meet the right guy and everything happens just the way we assume it does in Twilight (sparkling pseudo-orgasms and all).

But most of the time, it doesn’t. And it’s not always because “he’s just not that into you,” and it’s never because all guys are assholes who are just looking to break the world record for one-night stands.

But it’s also not that surprising. When you meet someone new, you have your guard up. You invest a lot of time, money, and emotions in each relationship, and you’re not going to give just anyone the chance to waste those commodities. Before you date someone, you want to make sure he’s worth it.

So if you meet someone who seems clingy or needy or annoying or whatever, chances are, you’re not going to want to date him/her. If a girl decides a guy isn’t datable, she’s probably going to stop seeing him. But if a guy is somewhat attracted to a girl he doesn’t want to date, he’s more likely to try to turn her into a friend with benefits.

And that’s where games can help your case. It’s not so much about tricking someone into dating you as it showing him why he wants to date you.

If a guy likes you enough to go out of his way to pursue a hook up (and this doesn’t mean buying you drinks at a bar the night you meet him), there’s a good chance he likes you enough to date you. But sometimes you need to remind him why he wants a relationship.

If he can get you to cab to his apartment at 2 a.m. for a night of no-strings-attached sex, he might forget that you’re worth taking out to dinner and introducing to his friends. When you give up your time, energy, and body that easily, it seems like they’re not that valuable to you. And if they don’t seem valuable to you, he’s definitely not going to think they’re worth much. From his perspective, if you’re so desperate to be with him that you’ll take anything, even a post-coital kick-out, it’s probably because he's out of your league. And if you’re out of his league, he can do better.

On the other hand, if you wait to show your enthusiasm, if you don’t accept all of his invitations, and if you start out unavailable, he might think, “Wow, this girl is out of my league. I need to lock this down.” Or he’ll think, “Wow, this girl is popular.” (And, thanks to high school, we all know that perceived popularity increases your sex appeal.) In general, your time will seem more valuable to him (even economists know that scarcity increases demand), and the more valuable something is, the more people want it.

Playing games is about showing your calm, cool, and confident side, not your clingy, desperate, emotionally unstable side. Playing games is about showing him that he’s not the most important thing in your life, and it’s about proving that if he’s going to treat you like shit, you have better things to do with your time.

Let’s say a guy makes a mistake early on. Let’s say he genuinely forgets to return your call for one week. And, when he does return your call, he gives you some lame excuse.

Some girls think that the “grown up” thing to do is to have a conversation with him and say, “Look, I don’t play games. I don’t date guys who don’t return my calls.”

And that’s fine—as long as you stick to your word. But if you decide to have that conversation after you’ve gone to his house and given him a blowjob, he’s not going to believe you. He’s already pulled a dick move and gotten away with it. Why should he go out of his way to be a gentleman the next time?

Games aren’t going to work every time. If the guy is a jerk or just isn’t interested, games will probably drive him away. But why is that a bad thing?

You probably have a great guy friend who started dating a great girl and then stopped returning her calls. And, because he’s your friend, you know he’s a super nice guy. So why is he being such a dick with this girl?

Like we’ve said before, it’s all about chemistry, attraction, and making someone want you. And the more a guy can’t have you, the more he wants you. If you didn’t like our Christmas toy analogy, look it up in an Econ textbook. Scarcity increases demand. The more you withhold, the more he wants it.

When you go on a date, you want to make a good impression. You put on an outfit that makes you look hot, you spend an hour doing your hair, and you do your makeup five times before you get it right.

So why not give your personality a dating makeover and play a little hard to get while you’re getting to know each other? It’s just like putting on lipstick: you can stop wearing it when your relationship gets to that point.

Valentine's Day Smorgasboard

The blogs are ablaze with stories of just how much Valentine’s Day sucks.

Because we’re not feeling particularly Grinchy today, we thought we’d let everyone else do the dirty work for us. So we’re going to post highlights throughout the day: some for the lovestruck, and others for the embittered.