Favors

Yesterday, we talked about the complexities of exchanging gifts with a newly acquired BF.

But lavish presents aren’t the only pitfalls when you’re stuck in that gray area between dating and committed relationship.

There are plenty of other nonsexual favors that might seem like better ideas than they really are.

When you start dating a new guy, it’s natural to want to prove your worth. You want your guy to know that you can cook and clean, and if you keep bringing small presents over to his apartment, he’ll want to keep you around to keep the treats coming. Right?

Maybe not.

Favors are like anything else. If a guy’s not really working for them, he’s going to wonder why he’s getting them. And he’s probably going to conclude that you’re so desperate to date him, you’ll do anything to be with him.

But these things sometimes appear to be fairly innocuous.

Take, for example, our friend Julie.

Julie dated her boyfriend all through college. They broke up after graduation, but they now live in the same city. After a period of not talking, they became “friends,” and now Julie thinks they’re heading back towards rekindling their relationship.

But Julie’s also worried that there might be other girls in the picture. She’s particularly concerned about one Facebook wall-to-wall with a younger girl.

Julie wanted to send her ex a Valentine’s Day card, because she thought if she didn’t send him one and the other girl did, she’d have no chance of getting back together with him.

But if she sends him a Valentine’s Day card, she might as well make her Facebook status, “Robbie, will you take me back?”

If there’s one thing you never want to be, it’s a sure thing. And when you offer to clean his apartment and make him dinner, you might not think that’s the message you’re sending.

But think about it from a guy’s perspective. Guys, more than anyone, know how much cooking and cleaning sucks. While they might think it’s awesome that they’re getting a cook, maid, and sex slave for nothing, they’re not going to want to go out of their way to date you. If they’re getting all they want and you’re not even in a “real” relationship, why should they bother taking you out for Valentine’s Day?

And when you send your ex a Valentine’s Day card, you might think you’re sending a message you can’t afford for him to miss. After all, if his Facebook friend sends him a card and you don’t, he might think that she’s interested and you’re not. And he might ask her out instead of you.

Except he won’t. Guys aren’t looking to date girls who seem like sure things. They want to date the ones who seem out of their league, the ones who they’re not sure they can get. Yes, we’re starting to sound like a broken record, but it’s worth repeating.

If you go out of your way to do things for him and show him how much you care too soon, he might think “Hm, this is convenient,” but he’s not going to think, “Wow, I don’t know what I’d do without the fresh cookies and handmade cards and cleaning service—I better keep this one around.”

Guys don’t need an impeccably clean house. When they’re in college, the puke on the frat-house walls isn’t enough to make them move out, and when they settle into the 20-something routine, they rarely invest in vacuum cleaners.

If you want to impress him, act like you’re so cool and desirable that you don’t need to put on a housekeeper’s uniform to attract a boyfriend.

Survey the District: When the Big O Turns Into "Oh No!"

Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, and summer flings that turned into something more are close to hitting the 6-month mark (because let’s be honest, no one’s going out and meeting guys when it’s 30 degrees out).

This can be a confusing time of year for love, so this week will be devoted to readers’ questions. Need advice or looking for answers on sex, dating, or relationships? Shoot us an e-mail at datethedistrict@gmail.com

i don't O in every position, esp missionary and i TOTALLY don't mind.

i.e. i like the intimacy of it and it still feels really good but i

can tell he feels terrible when i don't O and no matter what i say he

still apologizes and thinks it's his fault. even if i Oed earlier in

the night on top, he still feels bad.

For guys, sex and orgasms go hand in hand. Guys usually can’t orgasm without having or simulating intercourse, so they see climax as the goal of every sexual encounter.

It’s different for girls. Girls get off on clitoral stimulation, something that’s hard to achieve from intercourse alone. For most girls, it’s easier to come when you take penetration out of the equation.

That doesn’t mean that intercourse doesn’t feel good, and it doesn’t mean that we don’t like doing it. But it does mean that we approach sex differently.

It’s great that you’re able to achieve climax from sex alone—not every girl can do that. But he might not realize what an accomplishment this is.

So spell it out for him. The next time he starts pouting post-coitus, give him a lesson in female anatomy. Explain that all girls have trouble reaching orgasm from sex alone, and explain that the fact you’re able to come even sometimes is really an accomplishment. Tell him that it still feels good, but explain that, when he gets all huffy when you don’t come, it’s a major turnoff.

When he obsesses over your ability to climax, it probably puts pressure on you and makes it harder to come. So don’t phrase it as a “Don’t feel bad” thing, pitch it as something that’s keeping you from enjoying yourself and therefore making him a bad lover.

Guys want to feel like they’re the best you’ve ever had, and they’ll do anything to feel like a pleasure machine in bed. So say something like, “Look, sex and coming are two different things for girls. If I really want to come that badly, I’ll masturbate. I like sex for different reasons, and it feels really good in a way that’s totally different from orgasming. It’s just the way sex works for girls, and if I didn’t love having sex with you, I wouldn’t be doing it. But when you freak out every time I don’t come, it’s a major turnoff, and if you want it to feel really good for me, you’ll stop talking about.”

And make sure he knows how much you’re enjoying yourself. Make noises, talk dirty, and show him that you’re really into it. An orgasm is just reassurance that he’s great in bed, and there are other ways to show him that he’s amazing between the sheets.

Tips on Successful Online Dating

With all the free dating websites and chat rooms available online, it could be hard to determine where to start your dating search. The most successful online chat relationships have been achieved by following just a few simple rules. By following these rules, you will be successful in all your romantic endeavors guaranteed!

Join A Site That Matches Your Personality

Your best results come from picking a dating service or agency that best suits your needs and your personality. If you are seeking marriage, then try a service you need to pay for. If you are looking for casual encounters, then join a free website. If you are religious, then you should seek religious based dating sites like Jdate.com and ChristianCafe.com.

Write An Interesting Profile

The most important part of online dating is creating a profile. The better the profile, the better your chances of meeting a like-minded single. Make sure to upload a recent photo of yourself showing off your rocking looks. Instead of saying what you like, write out your favorite artists, movies and television shows. The more specific you are about your interests, the more likely it is for you to meet someone you truly connect with. Also, don`t forget to use spell check! It`s a must!

Give Singles A Chance

Sometimes people do not find a good match online because they are too picky when it comes to someone`s personal profile. There are hidden gems online and connect with somebody first before you ignore them. Give them the benefit of the doubt and you will reap the benefits.

Casual Meetup

Once you are certain you have found the perfect match, arrange to meet at a casual venue such as a coffee shop or a bar. Don`t dress up too much, but do put a little effort into your looks. You don`t want to look like you tried to hard, but you do want to look like you tried. Don`t make it seem like a job interview, but instead make it fun and exciting. Talk about your mutual interests and the rest should flow just fine.

Be Cautious

Remember that when you`re meeting a stranger always stick to public places and to keep your cell phone. Although the internet is a great place to meet singles, it is also a place that lures predators. Always take precautions and be safe. Always inform friends where you are when you`re meeting your date for the first time.

But He's Intimidated!

A friend of ours (let’s call her Maggie) recently ran into a work crush at a bar.

They have a flirtatious history (and one semi-drunken makeout), but he was acting strange and distant at the bar. Maggie’s other friend had a solution. “He’s intimidated by you!” she said. “You need to approach him!”

This is something girls tell each other all the time. He’s not returning your texts? He’s intimidated! He hasn’t called about a second date? He’s afraid! He’s being weird at the bar? You’re too intimidating!

But these same girls get annoyed when the short, questionably underage GW frat boy comes up to them at bars and acts like he’s way out of their league. They think, “Can you believe he thinks he can get with me?"

Yes. We can. Because when it comes to (the opposite) sex, if it’s one thing most guys aren’t, it’s easily intimidated.

And when they are intimidated, they’re really good at hiding it.

Maybe it’s spray-painted on the showers in every boys locker room, but for whatever, reason, guys seem to learn pretty early on that the best way to get a girl is to act like you’re out of her league.

Guys know how to fake a cocky persona, and if they aren’t talking to you, it’s probably because they don’t want to. Not because they’re intimidated.

Case in point: we later learned that Maggie’s crush had pulled an all-nighter at work that week. He was really tired and ending up going home at 11:30.

He wasn’t necessarily ignoring her because he wasn’t interested, but it wasn’t because he couldn’t muster up the courage.

We’re all much more active in our pursuits of things we aren’t sure we can get. That’s why we spend hours preparing for interviews for our dream jobs and ten minutes browsing the Web site of the NoVa company that’s hiring interns. And that’s why you go to the happy hour for your cute coworker who might have been flirting with you in the lunchroom, but wish the guy who wrote you a love poem on Missed Connections would just get the hint and stop calling already!

When a girl thinks a guy is intimidated, her first instinct is usually to assure him that she’s a sure thing. But that destroys your game, and usually your chances with him.

So the next time a guy ignores you, ignore him back. It’ll get you a lot farther than confessing your love for him.

Directed Erotic Visualization

As part of our series on helping girls orgasm, today we’re bringing you a visualizing exercise sent in by one of our loyal (and anonymous) readers.

We’re not really sure how to introduce this, except to say that it’s an audio file that seems to be hosted literotica.com:

Directed Erotic Visualization

Click on the link above and scroll all the way down to the audio file at the bottom. (Lock yourself in your bedroom before you actually listen to it—it goes without saying this is definitely NSFW.)

The “visualization” essentially consists of a British man performing a hypnotic series of relaxation exercises followed by erotic mental stimulation. There’s a lot of counting backwards and breathing exercise you’ve seen school-assembly hypnotists perform, but the narrator also tries to help you climax by having you mentally recreate the pleasurable sensations that come from orgasm.

That’s right—the stimulation is all mental, not physical.

The audio only comes out of the right speaker for most of the 10-minute file, which kind of spoiled the moment for us because we spent so long trying to fix the sound.

The man’s voice might be a little off-putting for some as well. It’s actually quite pleasant and pretty much benign, but he used the word “pussy” a few times, which made us cringe.

If you decide to try this exercise, we recommend the following.

1) Shutting yourself off in a room where no one will disturb you.

2) Relaxing as much as possible before you start the file—most people will probably experience some mental blocks, and the sooner you start addressing and negating them, the better.

3) Not worrying about the audio imbalance/quality. Or really any other technical (or unrelated) distraction. To get this right, you need complete concentration.

The hardest part, for most people, will probably be moving past any aversions. Many people are skeptical of hypnosis, and some people might be put off by the man’s voice.

Try not to let your mind linger on these distractions. It’s easier if you can just accept the exercise and move on. No matter what’s bothering you, the person on the other end of the speakers can’t hear you, and would it help if we told you he’s a trained sex therapist? (We’re totally making that last part up, but who knows.)

Climax probably won’t happen for girls who’ve never reached it before, because the exercise requires visualizing a recent orgasm—something that might be difficult for women who aren’t familiar with this sensation.

But it could be very helpful for people who have trouble getting off from manual stimulation.

The later in life girls start experimenting with masturbation, the harder it can be to achieve orgasm. After all, if you started masturbating at 20, there are probably a few social and cultural stigmas that made you abstain when your hormones were at the peak of their rage.

And that’s where this exercise could help anyone who’s experiencing mental blocks around orgasms. It encourages you to equate climax with relaxation—something that’s a lot more counterintuitive than it seems.

When you put too much pressure on yourself to come, it’s harder to actually get there. It’s easier to reach climax when you feel safe, relaxed, and comfortable.

If the audio file doesn’t work for you, try integrating some of the deep breathing and visualization into your masturbation routine. The more comfortable you feel, the easier it’ll be to orgasm—no matter who's doing the talking.

A Word of Advice

The dating world can be a dangerous place.

There are social scenes to navigate, assholes to avoid, and heartbreak lurking at every corner.

It makes sense that we sometimes need to ask other women for directions. But they don’t always offer the best advice.

While your friends can provide perspective on a situation you’re too embroiled in to evaluate objectively, they can also sometimes point you in the wrong direction.

Sometimes you ask your friends questions that you know the answer to. “Should I text Brian? He never responded to my voicemail from last Tuesday, but… I feel like I should send him one more text. Just so he knows I’m interested.”

If you actually thought this was a good idea, you would just send the text. But you’re asking your friends because you want them to tell you to do it.

And, most of time, they will. We all want to believe that things really are that easy. That you can text someone and he’ll magically be into you again. That he’s only ignoring you because he’s really hung up on his ex. And so we tell our friends to go for it.

Or sometimes we can see the writing on the wall, and we don’t want to tell our friends that their new crush is clearly not interested.

The outcome is still the same. If you’re asking “Should I do X?”, it’s probably because you’re looking for your friends to egg you on. And they will, because they’d want you to do the same.

If you have to ask, you probably already know the answer.

Vajazzling

Take it from Jennifer Love Hewitt: vajazzling is great!

According to Ms. Love Hewitt, covering your vagina in Swarovski crystals is not only a great use of money, it also makes your lady parts “shine like a disco ball,” and it might even give you that boost of confidence that some women get by taking off their panties.

Don’t worry about whether or not it’s safe/a good idea to glue crystals to your vagina, or that it costs around $100 and only lasts for 5 days. Instead, focus on the positives—like the fact that you can get vajazzled for 50 bucks during spa week!

It’s unclear why women don’t consider this some kind of cruel and unusual punishment, and it’s even more unclear why they actually pay money for it. If you’ve ever had sex, you’d immediately realize how impractical it’d be to have jewels down there mid-coitus.

Here’s the interview, if you’re interested.

Survey the District: Don’t Want to Miss a Connection

dear date the district,

after college, a bunch of my friends and i moved to dc. most of us have been hanging out together on the weekends. recently, i've become really interested in this one guy from my college-- we were more like acquaintances in college, probably having a handful of conversations over a couple of years. i don't have his number or anything and i've only seen him one time really briefly since we both moved to the city. i think he's been hanging out with more of work friends than college friends. from my minor facebook stalkage it appears that he is still single. i'm debating talking to one of my friends who is a better friend of his about my infatuation, but not sure if that's the best thing to do. i think anything related to facebook or umm buzzing him on google is also a terrible idea? i am usually a fan of playing hard to get but i first need to find this guy before i can start the whole game playing process. any advice?

Hopefully yesterday’s post shed some light on how you could go about seeing him.

The most important thing is not letting him know that you’re interested, it’s spending more time with him.

In fact, the worst thing you could do is have your friend (or Google Buzz—speaking of, is anyone still using that?) spill the beans about your crush.

Mutual friends often seem like a good way to get in with a guy. Like we talked aboutbefore, a guy’s girl (space) friends almost never have your best interest at heart.

Even if this mutual girl friend swears she’s not interested at all, and even if she has a boyfriend, she still has feelings for this guy. They might not be romantic, but they’re almost certainly territorial—after all, we all know what it feels like to have a guy friend drop off the face of the earth thanks to a new girl(no space)friend.

And if this mutual friend is a guy, do you really want him as your advocate? Think about how guys talk to each other. When you say, “Just tell him that I think he’s cute,” there’s a good chance that the message he relays to your crush will be more on the lines of, “Julie’s, like, in love with you. I think she wants to bone you.”

Even if you’re just asking the mutual friend for advice or confirmation of his marital status, he/she’s gonna get the message. No girl asks if Johnny’s single because she wants to set him up with her friend.

Play it cool, and realize that you’re not going to get the chance to hit it off with every guy you like.

Sometimes the timing just doesn’t work out, and as much as it sucks, there’s not much we can do about it.

The more you force it, the more you hurt your chances of actually getting the guy. It’s hard to play hard to get when he knows you’ve been stalking him for the past few months.

The best thing you can do in this situation is stop obsessing about him.

We all do it. We all imagine that the quiet guy in our senior history seminar didn’t talk because he was harboring such intense, profound feelings. We start picturing ourselves on dates with him. We mentally plan our wedding day. Our first child is born in our minds and—surprise—the quiet brooder is still madly in love with us, pregnancy belly and all.

But these fantasies do way more harm than good. Because you know so little about this guy, you’re free to imagine him as being totally perfect for you. But if you did get to know him, you’d probably realize that he talks too much about sports or never washes his socks or has a thousand little quirks that would irritate you to no end.

The more we obsess about these ideal crushes, the more we close ourselves off to reality. And if you’re sitting around waiting for the chance to run into this guy, you might miss out on some real-life guys.

That doesn’t mean you can’t have a crush on this guy. And that doesn’t mean you can’t “happen to show up” at events you know he’ll be at.

But don’t waste too much time thinking about something that, logistically, might not work out.

Keep your feelings to yourself. And who knows? You might hit it off at homecoming weekend.

Survey the District: Should I Bother Trying to Tame an Asshole?

Dear Date the District,

Currently, I am in a situation that has the potential to turn into naked-makeout disaster zone or perhaps something more substantial and I would love your advice on it. I have had a crush on this guy from my town since the 1st grade. There is something about him that has always worked for me, and still does 16 years later. While this crush never developed into anything during my formative years, I've recently gotten back in touch with people from high school since graduating college and moving back home. Said crush and I never hung out socially outside of school, and over the course of the last 2 months have seen each other maybe 5 times or so. Every time involves a group of friends either at a bar or someone's house, and alcohol. He has flirted with me a great deal while out with friends every time I go out with him, and insinuated make out sessions that I held out on (up until last weekend that is). Mutual friends of ours have told me that he has never been in a real relationship before, and think that I am "too nice" for him. (Meaning, they don't want to see me attempt to pursue this route with him because I will end up getting my heart broken like the wounded soldiers before me.) We hooked up last weekend, post-bar (not drunk, but not sober) and he attempted sex but I steered him in the direction of a blowjob instead (which was truly difficult because we had intense chemistry and were having a great time together and *sigh* I have been wanting him since the tender age of 6). My question for you is: should I bother putting in the effort with this guy if he's never had a girlfriend? Is there even a likelihood of me potentially being the girl that breaks the mold? (i.e. will your method of projection work on this guy?) And if not, should I abstain from hooking up with him again? It's been awhile since the last time I hooked up with anyone and the dry spell is KILLING me, but I don't want to pretend I'm one of those girls who "doesn't want a boyfriend" and is cool with "being casual" because I get jealous and know that won't work for me. I'm totally lost. Side note: he is a weak thumbed texter.

It’s a tempting trap: if you don’t think it’s going anywhere, why bother playing games? After all, holding out is hard, and it’s easier to just text him first.

Here’s the issue: playing games isn’t guaranteed to work. But not playing games is almost 100 percent guaranteed not to get you what you want.

We see this time and time again. Girls decide that it’s not worth playing games because he’s not datable, or he’s not cute enough, or he’s too much of an asshole to bother. They think the fact that they’ve resigned themselves to not even bother trying will protect them from getting hurt, but a few weeks later, when he’s in major blowoff mode, the sting is even worse—partially because it’s unexpected.

You never know how things are going to progress. This guy could be totally untamable. Or it could be that no girl’s ever made him work for it before.

But if you text him first and give him the naked makeout, you’re never gonna find out. And, chances are, he will start blowing you off. And what for?

We understand the excruciating frustration of a dry spell. But is it really worth the pain you’re going to feel when you go three weeks without hearing from him?

Our advice would be to keep making out with him in public. But don’t take things back to his place. If he texts you at 3 a.m., ignore him (and FYI, that means no texting him back in the morning to say, “Sorry, I was sleeping”).

Girls rarely (if ever) get anything out of playing it straight. If you’re sexually frustrated, invest in a vibrator—they never forget to call.

There’s something to be said for human contact and the validation that comes from proof that your crush desires you sexually.

But won’t it feel worse to know that he did want you at some point and, for whatever reason, isn’t responding to you now?

The more you like someone to begin with, the easier it is to get obsessed when he doesn’t call. If you let him have it that easily, you’re probably going to regret it.

You say you two have a lot of sexual chemistry. Which totally makes sense—if you’ve been waiting for someone for 16 years, the payoff’s going to be even bigger.

But think about the sexiest parts of hooking up. It’s not the blowjob, or the naked dry-humping, or even actual penetration. It’s the sensual kisses, the tentative touches, his lips on your neck, etc. All of this can be accomplished in a dark corner of a bar.

With the public makeout, you can cash in on the electrifying sexual chemistry without sacrificing your dignity.

And if he wants to take it further, he can ask you on a date.

Inadvertently Flirting When You’re Taken

There’s been a lot of blogging about the article Gawker did on flirting while in a relationship and the (way more hilarious) follow up.

Since this article was first posted, the morality of flirting-while-taken has been blogged to death, but one of our readers sent in a different take on this situation.

Recently, while visiting my girlfriend, I was in an awkward situation that I was reminded of while reading these articles. We were hanging out with my girlfriend's group of friends, most of whom I hadn't met yet. One of the guys was gay, but I figured that he knew I was straight since I was visiting this girl, so I didn't even consider the possibility of accidentally flirting with him. However, later in the night, once we had left the place where we were hanging out, my girlfriend got texts from this guy saying "hey is your friend gay?" and "is your friend coming back to hang out with us?" Then, the next day, once I had left, the guy told her that I was "raping him with [my] eyes" and flirting with him the whole time. Now, I did talk to him a little bit, and maybe he took my eye contact for something much more than it was, but I certainly didn't even think of the possibility that I was flirting with him. This particular situation is complicated due to the differing sexual preferences of the parties involved, but it still made me wonder about an age old question: what exactly is flirting and how do you know when you're doing it?

I'd really like to hear your two cents on innocently flirting, or even innocently talking to, someone who might be interested in you, even though you are off-limits due to a monogamous relationship. Obviously every situation is different, but are there certain things that one can do to avoid leading on someone you're just trying to have a simple conversation with?

We think this sums up the other side of the problem. Yes, there are guys who feel the need to mention the fact that they have a girlfriend even if you’re only interacting with them because they rear-ended you at a stoplight (“Sorry I hit you, bythewayIhaveagirlfriend.”)

But what about when you smile at someone for two seconds and he follows you around the bar for the rest of the night?

We see this more of a question of etiquette than anything else. Yes, it sucks to feel like you accidentally led someone on (or, even worse, to feel like you were the one led on), but, at the end of the day, it’s not really that big of a deal.

If someone’s coming on too strong, drop the g-bomb (or b-bomb, depending on your gender/sexual preference). If the person still doesn’t get the hint, walk away.

But if he’s not letting on that he thinks you’re flirting and only texts someone afterwards (like in the situation above), is it really an issue? You’ll probably never see the guy again, and, even if you did, he doesn’t need to know that you saw those messages.

There’s no need to make him feel bad by rubbing your relationship in his face—especially if he isn’t coming on to you at all. Some people are just going to see things that they want to believe are true, and even if you invited them to your heterosexual wedding, they’d still tell their friends that you were making eyes at them during the first dance.

We’re taking off early for the weekend and heading to LA. See you Tuesday (no pun intended).

When You Can't Ignore a Text

Like we’ve said before, a weak-thumbed texter is usually not worth your time.

But when you really like a guy and don’t hear from him for two weeks, it can hard to ignore the text he finally does send.

If you can’t stop yourself from responding, at least try to communicate on your terms.

Take our friend’s latest conversations with one of her hookups. They’ve gotten into the habit of hanging out at his place, but she wants to spend time outside of the bedroom.

He texted her on a Monday night and asked her if she wanted to come over. She replied, “I have plans tonight. Friday would be better.”

Her schedule was actually wide open that night, except for her regular spin class. But because she hadn’t heard from him in a while, she didn’t want to make it look like she was ready to drop everything to see him. And she didn’t say, “How about Friday?”, which would give him the final say. Instead, she told him what the plan was, which it seem like she was calling the shots.

As it turns out, he had a dinner Friday evening, but would be back around ten. He asked her if she wanted to come over then. She replied, “Ten would probably be too late to go out and do something. Some other time.”

She didn’t say, “No thanks, I’m only going to hook up with you if you start taking me out.” But that’s the message she sent. He ended up canceling his dinner plans.

This isn’t to say that texts like this will work every time. If a guy has already been flaky with communication, he’s not necessarily even going to respond to your first text. But it’s better than getting a “Wanna hang out?” text and jumping in a cab and to head over to his place before you’ve even hit the send button on your reply.

Don't Put Too Much Stock in a Profile Picture

Online dating profiles are hotbeds of superficiality.

The whole page revolves around the photos, and even the most open-minded users usually check the physical appearance before they read any text.

This kind of browsing doesn’t make you a bad person—after all, attraction/chemistry/whatever you want to call it is mostly physical.

But it does create problems.

To understand how, think about how “real world” dating works. You meet a guy at a party, or a bar, or the bank, and here’s what you know about him: what he looks like.

How many times have you found yourself 30 minutes into an amazing conversation when a guy casually mentions his girlfriend? Or what about the guys you go out with four or five times before you realize your religious differences/educational backgrounds/grooming habits make you totally incompatible?

Attractive people can be intoxicating, and there’s nothing like making out with a guy you could’ve sworn had a bit role on The OC.

But in the moment, isn’t it just like kissing anyone else? And more of a self-esteem boost/story to tell your friends than a wildly passionate encounter?

Judging potential partners on looks alone has a time and place. But if that time and place is OKCupid, you’re kind of missing out on the advantages that belong exclusively to the cyber world of romance.

The whole point of these sites is that you know, before you even message back, that SustekStaffer27 is purportedly single (and if he’s taken, so sociopathic about hiding it that you wouldn’t fare any better if you met him at a happy hour), that he shares some of your outlooks on life (i.e., has aspirations beyond getting drunk, tan, and/or laid), and that his interests could be compatible with yours. You don’t have to go on three awkward dates before you realize that he only likes to play video games in his free time, and you get to see answers to questions you could never get away with asking early on (e.g., where he sees himself in 10 years, whether he wants to get married, how old he is).

That’s not to say that you can’t write some people off based on what they look like. There are some people you’ll just never be attracted to—maybe your first boyfriend had hazel eyes and traumatic headgear, and you always associate blue/green irises with the time your braces got stuck together.

If you find someone physically repulsing,  you might be fighting an uphill battle if you try to let his personality make up for it.

But if he looks great on paper and his picture only elicits a, “meh,” don’t be so quick to write him off completely.

It’s amazing how quickly you can become attracted to someone who didn’t knock you off your feet the first time you saw him. A funny, charming persona can be much more seductive than those mile-deep blue eyes. And on the flip side, anyone can get used to beauty, and the more time you spend with a physical trainer, the more ordinary he starts to look.

That’s not to say that you should spend your days pining over every profile you come across, or messaging guys you’re not immediately attracted to. But if a guy messages you, try to read his profile before checking out the pictures. And if the words line up, but the photos leave something to be desired, remind yourself what you’re looking for.

If you’re not looking for more than a few hookups, by all means, weight the photos. But if you’re looking for a successful relationship, consider giving guy who looks good on paper a chance.

Changing Venues

After yesterday’s post, a few people asked what you should do if a guy proposes a comedy club, concert, or other less-than-desirable location for a first date.

You’re better off saying something, but blame it on logistics.

When he says, “I have an extra ticket to Metallica Tuesday night,” say, “Ahh I have an LSAT class Tuesday—want to get dinner Wednesday instead?” That way you nix the concert AND switch to a better venue, and he thinks it’s just a scheduling issue.

Or if his invitation is locale-specific (i.e., he tells you he’s been dying to check out a new comedy club), tell him that part of town’s no good for you. Say something like, “It takes me forever to get through Georgetown after work/I really hate switching at Metro Center after 5—want to get a drink at Domaso in Rosslyn instead?”

The key is to replace his suggestion with concrete plans. If you just tell him you can’t do the Metallica concert on Wednesday, he might suggest a cover band on Thursday, and if you’re trying to avoid live music, you’re still in the same position.

The Halloween Effect

Halloween is a single person’s best friend.

There’s something about a holiday that allows you to justify showing up at a bar in your underwear that’s conducive to more one-night stands and dfm (dance-floor makeouts) than any other day of the year.

Everyone seems to get a new phone number on Halloween, and the first few weeks in November usually pass in a flurry of subsequent first dates.

But why do the guys never seem as cute when their Chilean miner costumes come off, and why was the conversation so much easier at Heaven & Hell?

Halloween offers two advantages for single people that have nothing to do with adding the word “sexy” to an otherwise unglamorous profession. The first is confidence.

When you’re wearing an Ed Hardy tank top and a mile-high poof, you have to own it. And that creates a boost in confidence (and a drop in inhibitions) that makes it a lot easier to talk to people.

Who cares if you say the wrong thing when your face is covered in bronzer?

It’s the one night a year where everyone fits in, regardless of what you’re wearing. And you have a perfectly acceptable opening line with anyone who catches your eye. This creates an atmosphere that’s conducive to conversation, and if everyone wasn’t getting blackout, a lot more people might have a “We met in Fell’s” story.

The problem is that people are wasted, and alcohol is never the best way to meet a guy.

But if you can come up with a way to fake the kind of social graces everyone seems to possess on Halloween, you’ll have a much easier time meeting guys the other 364 days of the year.

It might be kind of weird to show up at a party in a cheerleader’s costume in May, but there’s no reason you can’t act like your bellybutton’s exposed.

Channel the extroverted side of you that only comes out on October 31. Introduce yourself to friends of friends (we still wouldn’t recommend walking up to strangers in bars), repeat names, smile, and engage in conversation. Don’t worry about coming across as too socially aggressive or saying the wrong thing—people are always flattered when you seem genuinely interested in what they have to say.  

The other advantage Halloween provides is an easy way to break a lull in conversation. Run out of things to say? You can just point to someone’s costume.

There isn’t an obvious substitute for this in a sea of polo shirts and business casual, but there are other ways of keeping a conversation going.

When there’s an awkward pause, don’t stress about coming up with something to say, focus on finding a question to ask. You can come up with a few stock questions to ask. “Did you hear about X random current event” (stay away from politics), what are you doing for Thanksgiving, etc.

Try to figure out what it was that made you so charming on Halloween (or what made the guy you were talking to seem so suave). And bring that back the next time you’re in a social setting.  

To Shave or Not to Shave

When Americans talk about sex, we like to use nomenclature to dress up ideas that might otherwise sound unappealing.

Do you want to take a piece of hard, thick flesh that occasionally secrets urine (and may or may not have been washed since the last time it was used for this purpose) and jam it down your throat until you’re practically gagging, then bob your head up and down for three to five minutes while your jaw gets tired, only stopping after you’ve swallowed a wad of salty human excrement? No? Well, would you like to try fellatio? How about oral sex? Or head?

But one reality of sex (and life) seems to have escaped the redeeming moniker: pubic hair. We all have it. Most of us don’t like talking about it.

It makes sense that girls wouldn’t want pubes or bushes any more than they’d want genital warts, so most shave it off and act like it never grew in.

But do we ever stop to think about why?

Our obsession with the bare-down-there goes hand in hand with most girls’ ideas about what physical attributes turns guys on.

If you were to ask an average woman if she thought the body men fantasized most about belonged to a prepubescent 12-year-old boy, she’d probably laugh at the absurdity of your question. But if you then asked her to describe the woman she sees as a man’s ultimate fantasy lover, here’s what you’d probably hear: “Well, she’d be, like, super skinny. Like, stick legs like Blake Lively on Gossip Girl. No hips, no butt… she could stand sideways and hide behind a twig and no one would be able to see her. Ummm… totally shaved, down there, and—oh! Bangs. She’d definitely have bangs.”

That stick-thin, hairless “ideal” body sounds more like a 12-year-old boy’s than a Sports Illustrated model’s.

We’ve talked about this before: girls tend to think that guys want to sleep with waifs, while guys plaster their dorm-room walls with pictures of big boobs, thick thighs, and shelf asses.

That isn’t to say that guys don’t appreciate a smooth landing strip. In fact, most guys we talked to said they preferred a shaved pelvis.

But, for the most part, they also said something along the lines of, “I mean, it doesn’t really matter, as long as it’s not too out of control.”

The bottom line is: when you’re naked, the guy with the view isn’t checking for stray hairs. He’s so happy to be there that his brain can’t even conjure up criticisms. So while a shaved vagina might turn him on more, an unshaved one won’t turn him off.

This doesn’t mean you should stop shaving if it makes you feel more comfortable. But what it does mean is, if you’ve got a five o’clock shadow, don’t feel self-conscious about it.

In an earlier post, we talks about the two things that turn men on most in bed: confidence and enthusiasm. So, ideally, you really shouldn’t be feeling any self-consciousness when you’re getting horizontal. The best way to project confidence is to feel confident, even if you have to fake it by acting like you’ve never felt sexier.

But it might help to know that your bikini line is one of those things that really can’t break the deal. When Indiana Jones finally found the Holy Grail, he didn’t say, “Eh, no thanks. That thing has a little dust around the rim.”

So don’t start acting shy because you forgot to shave. Don’t stop him from removing your thong or demand that he turn off the lights. That type of behavior will turn him off a lot more than a little stubble ever will.

Walking Down the Street

Back in the good old days, when girls went to finishing school instead of high school, they might not have learned basic math, but they definitely learned how to walk.

This skill has somehow slipped of the syllabus in recent years, but it’s definitely worth knowing. Guys probably aren’t going to notice that you have a nice stride, but they will notice you if you know how to carry yourself.

Let’s start with the basics: When most of us walk, we lead with our shoulders/upper bodies. This leads to hunched shoulders and slouched postures—although it does make for a more efficient pace.

Let’s compare:

Even the freakishly beautiful look better when they’re standing up straight. (And it’s probably better for your back or whatever.)

The key to a good stride is leading with your hipbones (those two bones that jut out from the place where your thighs meet your torso). The hipbone should move first, and everything else follows. This should automatically make you straighten your back and push back your shoulders (and add a few inches to your bustline). But if it doesn’t, fix your posture.

Think of the stride itself as emanating from your hips, not your feet. The hips are what move you; the feet follow. Place one foot in front of the other, like you’re trying to pass a sobriety test. Your hips should naturally swing from side to side, but don’t overdo it. (We’ve all seen those girls on the Metro.)

When your feet land, try to keep most of the weight in the ball of your foot. It might feel like you’re walking your tiptoes, but it prevents you from dragging your feet (especially in heels).

When you master your walk, you project confidence. And everyone is attracted to confidence, mostly because they associate with success/power.

We tested this theory for you, dear readers, the other night. We were walking home from yoga in our sweaty yoga clothes and stiletto boots, so the outfit made no sense but kind of went with all the sweat/general grossness. We walked for a few blocks without putting any effort into our stride, and, as we expected, no one paid attention. Then we walked for a few blocks using the techniques outlined above, and almost every boho (bohemian hobo) said something to the effect of “damn girl!” except for one (who, in his defense, may have been sleeping). And this was after 1.5 hours of solid sweating (interspersed with long periods of lying on the ground, but whatever).

If your hips walk you into a room, guys notice. We’re not saying that this is the best way to go about meeting your future boyfriend, but in these challenging economic times, couldn’t we all use a helping stride?

Snookin' for Love

Snooki had a rough week.

Luckily, her guy friend (we’ll call him Mike because that’s what we think his name was and we’re too lazy to rewatch the episode) comes to visit, and when, in a shocking turn of events, everyone ends up at a bar that night, he and Snooki start making out.

They head home a few hours later, and Snooki’s “ready to hook up.” She decides to “test” Mike by offering to let him get out of the cab in front of a club and go look for other girls. And, surprise, that’s just what he does!

We can be a little hard on Snooks sometimes, but she actually recovers quite well from this incident. When he comes home later that night, she doesn’t throw herself at him, and she doesn’t try to hook up with him.

But why would she tell her guy to go look for other girls?

We understand the impulse. You want to look like the “cool” girl who’s so laid back that she doesn’t care. And this image actually isn’t a bad one to project.

There are situations (no pun intended) in which this line might actually work. But it’s not going to work on the cab ride home when you’re not sure if you two are on the same page.

When Snooki said, “You can go look for other girls,” what he heard was, “If you come home with me, I will have sex with you.” And when you make yourself that available—so available that, in fact, it seems like you’ll be waiting for him at home if he can’t find anything better to bone at the club—it’s a turnoff.

You might think that guys are looking for a “sure thing” in a one-night stand. And by 2 or 3 a.m., they probably are. But if they were really looking for something that sure at the beginning of the night, they’d skip the bar and call a hooker. When you factor in the bar tap and the pre-bar GTL (gym, tanning, and laundry for the uninitiated/unmoronic), they can probably pay for sex and still come out ahead.

There’s no need to blow your chances by acknowledging the situation (LOL!). Don’t let on that you’re a sure thing, or he’ll jump out of the cab and go look for someone who isn’t.

Sammi, on the other hand, had a much more successful night. She and Ronnie got into a huge fight because (and we’re not making this up) Ronnie joked about her having a big toe. It’s not even clear that Sammi actually has an abnormally large toe, but, regardless, she saw his joke as an attack on her personal appearance and decided that the relationship was over.

Did we mention that both parties were pretty much blackout at this point? Anyway, Sammi basically dumps Ronnie and heads up to bed. She doesn’t stand around and argue about what he’s done. She doesn’t try to justify her being pissed off over a comment about one of her toes. Instead, she just leaves the room and waits for him to come to her.

And he does. He comes upstairs and begs for her to take him back. He drags her out to the roof deck (with a stunning view of the highway below) and pulls his signature move (the crying/yelling combination).

Ronnie starts trying to defend himself and calls Sammi out on being a huge bitch (and we kind of are on this side at this point). But Sammi realizes that this is getting her nowhere. Her BAC has to have killed at least half of her brain cells, but she still realizes that her actions are pretty hard to defend, even to a slobbering drunken Ronnie, so this conversation is getting her nowhere.

And, again, instead of trying to defend herself, she heads back to bed. Ronnie warns her that, if she walks away, he’s not chasing after her. She keeps walking. Ronnie storms off to the bars, but he comes back about an hour later. And here’s the crazy part: he heads back to her room and apologizes. He doesn’t care that she called him “a fucking piece of shit” in the cab on the way home from the bar. He doesn’t ask her to apologize for throwing a fit over nothing. Instead, he begs her to take him back. And it works.

So what can we learn from this? When you’re fighting with a guy, sometimes it’s better to walk away. Let him come crawling back to you. The more you try to defend your side, the more he’s going to feel the need to prove that he’s right. But the minute he feels like he might lose you, he’ll do anything to get you back.

PS:

In case you haven’t heard, The Situation will be “making an appearance” at Mad River in Baltimore on February 11. Boh’s and O’s has the scoop here.

And DJ Pauly D will be throwing down some “house techno” at McFadden’s in DC on January 19. UPDATE: JWow will also be there (who cares?).

Clumsy Ways To Make Your First Kiss Romantic

Kissing is one of the best things that you can do with someone you are dating, but let me tell you, the pressure is on. Whether you found the person on work. Say, "I`ve spent the whole day thinking about you and I had to give you something" Kiss her.
? Mid conversation during a date, when you think things are going well, give her "the stare". She will stop doing everything, go quiet, and you`ll interrupt her with your first kiss.

Play Mr. Nice Guy: Let her know what`s about to happen, right before it goes down. Because then she will think, "OMG, he`s about to kiss me" When is the best time to ask this question? Simply interrupt the conversation at dinner and ask:
? "Would it be ok if I kissed you right now?"
? Wait for her answer, hopefully it`s yes!
? Then say, "Nah I think I`ll wait." And smile. She will go nuts.

What Not to Put on Online Dating Profiles

Filling out a profile on a dating Web site can be more stressful than college applications. You want to come across as sexy, but not slutty; funny, but not at your own expense; and desirable, but not desperate.

How do your capture your wonderful, intriguing personality when sites impose character limits? We’ve posted tips from OkTrends blog.okcupid.com before, but those writers seem to be on a permanent vacation, and as the weather gets warmer, you’re probably more tempted to see what’s out there.

But what’s should you say when you’re trying to attract a potential partner?

That’s hard to say, but we came up with a few don’ts while pursing sites this weekend.

The first (and perhaps most important) is: don’t talk about sex. Period. Don’t mention it in your likes or interests. Don’t joke about it or make references to past sexual experiences. The word “sex” shouldn’t show up on your profile at all—even as part of a compound word/modifier.

Unless you have something on your profile that suggests otherwise (i.e., “I’m waiting for marriage”—which probably isn’t worth mentioning, even if you are), it’s pretty much a given that you like/enjoy/engage in sex. So there’s no need to prove your sexuality.

And have you ever noticed that the people who spend the most time talking about sex/how good they are in bed tend to be really bad at sex? People who have healthy sexual appetites don’t need to talk about because they have nothing to prove. When you’re satisfied with something, you don’t brag about it.

So when you talk about sex, you run the risk of looking a) unstable, b) a dramatic oversharer, and c) someone who feels the need to talk a big game to make up for other sexual inadequacies.

Don’t make a list of attributes you’re looking for (even if the site asks for it). Anything specific enough to describe in a few words (i.e., I like blondes who make six figures) can easily be ascertained by looking at the guy’s profile. And chances are, you probably signed up for a free trial because you’re sick of meeting the same guys with different names at bars. When you make a list of must-haves, you risk coming off as superficial and materialistic, and you limit your options. Even if you wouldn’t dream of dating someone who didn’t have an Ivy League education, a guy from Harvard might be turned off if he sees that on your profile. And the guy who shares your dreams and ambitions may have graduated from BC. The point is: you probably don’t really know what you want. So keep it off your profile.

Don’t be overly negative. You don’t have to fake a nauseatingly sunny disposition, but don’t talk about things you don’t like (even if you’re trying to highlight your hip irreverence), personal flaws, or anything else that’s more on the negative side.

Your mother always told you that you catch more flies with honey, and while we always hated this analogy because we’d rather just open a window than have to deal with dead flies, but people tend to want to spend time with people who seem like they’re having a great time. Negative declarations are probably going to scare away more people than they’ll attract, so keep them off your profile.