Saturday, June 23, 2012

Sexual Ambiguity

Sexual AmbiguityWe’ve all been at a bar, flirting with a guy, everything’s going really well… and then he asks if your boots are from JCrew.

You think, Maybe he used to work there, and you let it slide… until he tells you he’s planning on going to SATC 2 on opening night.

But earlier in the night, he was talking about football. And he just bought you two rounds of rum and diets. Sooo… you’re a little confused. And you don’t want to waste the night flirting with a guy who doesn’t swing that way. Is there a polite way to ask which gender he prefers?

In general, we don’t think it’s the best idea. Asking about someone’s sexuality is as personal as asking how often they have sex. And so most of the time you have to suck it up and enjoy the conversation on face value—even you go home alone at the end of the night.

But if you’re the right kind of person (e.g., confident, self-assured), our bisexual friend suggested saying, “So, do you date guys or girls?”

That question doesn’t force the person to identify his sexuality or put labels on anything. It’s a low-pressure question, and if he balks, you can say something like, “I never like to assume anything.”

Role-Playing 102

Role-Playing 102Yesterday, we talked about why and how you should add role-playing to your sexual repertoire.

But it can be hard, at first, to come up with scenarios that don’t include the phrase, “I’m here to fix the cable.”

It’s really only a matter of advanced planning. If you decide you want to role-play, come up with a few scenarios ahead of time (e.g., doctor’s office, student-on-professor) in case your first pick isn’t doing it for your partner.

In general, different things work for different people. If you want to reenact the Battle of Gettysburg, try it. If it’s not working, you can always just start having plain-vanilla sex.

But we would like to talk about two scenarios that seem to be very popular among women: virginity and rape.

Rape is serious. It’s a crime, and it’s wrong, and it’s a traumatizing, soul-shattering experience.

But human sexuality isn’t always as black and white as morality, and that gray zone leaves room for a lot of sexual fantasies people wouldn’t want to explore in real life.

A surprisingly large number of women have some combination of curiosity and fantasy when it comes to rape, and if you’re one of them, don’t beat yourself up about it. A rape fantasy is just that—fantasy, and when it’s in your mind it can still feel safe enough to romanticize.

If this is something you want to act out, you don’t have to feel guilty about it, but you definitely need to plan.

Simply put: if your role-play involves rape, you have to talk to your partner about it ahead of time. You need to have a safety word that has nothing to do with sex, because with this kind of role-play, stop doesn’t really mean no.

Make sure that you trust your partner and trust yourself—if it starts feeling wrong or upsetting, don’t be afraid to call it off. Above all, make sure you feel safe.

Don’t feel pressured to try this one out if you’re not comfortable—if your partner brings it up and you’re not having it, don’t be afraid to say so (and if your partner brings up a rape fantasy without realizing that it might make you uncomfortable, you might want to reevaluate your relationship).

The second scenario is decidedly less controversial, but it’s equally as prevalent and feels almost as taboo. Virgin and rape fantasies probably both stem from a desire to feel dominated, but, again, if you want to pretend that someone’s loosing his/her virginity, you should definitely talk about it ahead of time. Come up with a safety word and make sure he knows it’s coming—this definitely has the potential to get strange if one party isn’t prepared.

The virgin fantasy can also be a great set of training wheels for a couple just starting to experiment with role-playing. It allows the women to assume an innocent, submissive persona that might feel much more natural to someone who’s not used to trying new things in the bedroom. It’s also somewhat familiar territory—if you’re having sex, you had to have lost your virginity at some point along the way.

The key to role-playing is to step outside of yourself. You might feel embarrassed telling your boyfriend that he’s been a naughty boy, but the camp counselor/nun/whatever doesn’t. And that’s the thing about role-playing: it’s not you saying or doing these things.

That gives you the freedom to go a little crazy, and that inhibition usually pays off. 

Adult sex dating sites

Adult sex dating sitesAs many good dating sites as there are out there, single men and women can avail themselves of just adult sex dating sites these days. Strictly set-up for people to meet off line and fuck, these sites require the same type of membership fees and attention to profiles and modes of communication as does any other social forum, but it all happens quicker with an eye on sex.

In some ways seeking looking for a soul mate on those benign dating sites are also looking for sex. It`s nice to go on and make-believe that matching profiles is what you`re after, finding love at first site maybe, dating for some sort of future potential but in the end two people coming together come together with the hope of getting intimate.

For all the blatant gonzo porn sites out there, why shouldn`t there be sites created with the strict and only purpose of two people meeting to get laid?
In this day and age it is a wonder that any one of us could even take the time to log-on, let alone surf for a potential match. More and more of us are only going on-line these days to find an image, some downloadable porn.

For men and women checking an adult sex dating portals, they do so knowing exactly what they are getting, can cut down on all the worry of a perfect exact match and simply hope for someone with a modicum of attractiveness and some good hygiene.

It`s really just biology. It`s really just answering a need. It`s really just about fulfilling a purpose for both ourselves and someone who is looking to fulfill the same purpose.

Holiday Dating

Holiday DatingOne of our friends is going on a holiday dating hiatus. She’s locked her OK Cupid account until New Year’s and she’s postponing dates until after the ball drops.

When she first mentioned this to us, we were skeptical. It seemed arbitrary, and arbitrary rules are never the best way to make the most of a dating scene.

But then she explained her rationale. Holidays come with certain expectations for couples: awkward office parties, gift exchanges, dinner with his family. It’s tricky enough when you’ve been dating for a while, but when you’re still in the getting to know you stages, it can put a lot of pressure on both people (and the relationship).

Should he invite you to the holiday party? And if he does, how will he introduce you to his boss? Does he need to buy you a present? Are you going to buy him one? If he brings you home, will his mom get off his case? Will it freak you out if he asks?

If you meet a great guy at your friend’s ugly Christmas sweat party, we’re not saying you should tell him to call you after New Year’s.

But, if you’re like most people, this is probably the busiest time of your year. So if he calls you for a second date and you have to finish shopping, don’t be afraid to say so.

Don’t feel like you need to squeeze in too many first dates with a new person. If you space out your dates, there won’t be any ambiguity. He won’t show up with a gift, and you won’t obsess over what you need to get him.   

Friday, June 22, 2012

How Not To Fall For A Plenty of Fish Fake Profile

How Not To Fall For A Plenty of Fish Fake ProfileWhen trying to attract a member of the opposite sex online, it is important to know who you are really having online chat conversations with. It`s sad to say, but lots of singles are falling for dating and romantic scams and it`s breaking egos and hearts all around the world.

For instance, one of the most scammed social media sites is Plenty of Fish. According to an online research study, up to 50 percent of the female profiles on that site are completely fake and most likely created by the administrators of the website itself.

Here are some tips to help you stop befriending fake people online immediately.

1. Pay Attention To Profiles Ending in Numbers

A number of the fake female profiles on Plenty of Fish have profile names ending in a birthday number or area code. They mostly all use lower case letters and are riddled with commas. If you see these profiles, delete them immediately.

2. Beware of Modelling Profile Pics

Stay away from obviously photo-shopped profile pictures with absolutely no information under their interests, hobbies and age group sections. They are most likely spammers ready to be added to your list and ready to spam the hell out of your computer.

3. Stay Away From Profiles Littered With Advertisements

Sometimes fake profiles actually are full of certain details–but never of the person you are interested in dating. If you are looking on a profile and notice their personal details are all about promoting a certain product or service, then chances are you are trying to add a poseur and a spammer.

A lot of these tips are common sense, but you would be surprised how many singles fall victim to adding fake profiles everyday. Be cautious and pay attention to details and you will be fine.


News Roundup: Why Do Smart Women Have the Toughest Time Dating

News Roundup: Why Do Smart Women Have the Toughest Time DatingThe other day, a reader sent us this Huffington Post article: Why Do Smart Women Have the Toughest Time Dating.

It’s a good read, especially for the overly ambitious DC types, but the author leaves out one important trap smart women sometimes fall into the dating world: faking dumb.

It goes something like this: a woman thinks that men are more attracted to dumb bimbos, or she’s worried about scaring off a date with a less impressive resume, so she puts on this fake ditzy persona every time she goes out with a guy.

Why do women do this? Because they always see their attractive, successful male coworkers show up to the holiday party with Bambi, the personal trainer.

And while a lot of guys do date women who are more attractive than they are intelligent, when smart women get frustrated and decide it’s time to be more like the hot, dumb women who get ass, the smart women pick the wrong trait to emulate.

Guys like these women because they’re hot, not because they’re dumb. The unintelligence is the (minor) downside, it’s not the thing they’re attracted to.

Faking dumb isn’t going to attract a man. That’s like a guy watching Twilight and thinking it’s the fangs that make Robert Pattinson so irresistible to women.

What’s worse, faking dumb could hurt your chances of a relationship.

Remember, for a lot of guys, relationships and sex are two different things. The former requires putting in work, the latter delivers pleasure in its purest form.

When a guy wants sex, all he needs is a vagina. But when he wants a relationship, he needs a little bit more.

So if you pretend to have less, you’re not going to fall into the “relationship” category. Why would he invest time and energy in someone who can’t hold an intelligent conversation?

Zen and the Art of Pubic Hair Maintenance

Zen and the Art of Pubic Hair MaintenanceWe’ve talked about this before, and there’s no right answer to the shave or not to shave conundrum.

1) The close trim. Some girls see this as a lower-maintenance alternative to the hygienic feeling you get from shaving (or waxing) it all off. And while the look (and feel) might great for you, it’s kind of like a guy’s third- or fourth-day stubble. When you nuzzle your boyfriend’s face on a Sunday, it’s kind of itchy, right? Same thing goes for this particular pubic haircut: it irritates the guy’s skin.

A full bush is more of a soft cushion for a guy’s pelvis to land on. A waxed pubic region is like sliding in your socks on a newly polished floor. But the in-between? It’s like the rug-burn you get from slide tackling on Astroturf.

If you don’t want the hassle of maintaining a prepubescent nether-region, or if you prefer to leave some hair down there, you’re better off keeping some areas completely bare, and where there’s hair, keep it long.

2) Shaving it all off and neglecting the labia. Yes, it’s scary to take a razor to the inside of your vagina. But when a guy thinks he’s getting porn-star smooth and he opens the package to find a few errant hairs, it’s the same feeling you get when you ask for an iPod and your parents give you an off-brand mp3 player.

Besides, these are the most troublesome hairs to deal with. Blowjobs would be even worse if a guy’s pubic hair was on his shaft rather than scattered around the base. 

If you’re going to let the forest run wild, don’t worry about the hairs inside. But if you’re going to shave it all off, that means removing everything. Everything.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Anatomy of a One-Night Stand

Anatomy of a One-Night StandThe other day, a guy friend of ours asked us to help him “slay” a girl he described as “really annoying, but she kind of has big boobs.”

We, of course, refused, but we asked him why he was so interested in this particular girl when he could probably find countless other women equally well endowed with (at least marginally) less abrasive personalities.

No, no, he explained, her annoyingness was the allure; the boobs were just an added bonus.

We loosened him up with a round of drinks and got him to elaborate, and we happened upon some pretty misogynistic sexual desires. Our friend prefers to have one-night stands with women he can’t stand for a litany of reasons, mainly because 1) he gets a Gob Bluth-esque satisfaction out of saying, “I f*cked that,” 2) he feels sexually liberated—he can try whatever he wants with her because he never liked/respected her to begin with, and 3) he never has to feel guilty about blowing her off because he dislikes her anyway.

We were about to get judgmental, but then we realized that few people have the purest intentions when it comes to one-night stands.

One-night stands rarely translate into great sex. Everyone has different sexual idiosyncrasies, which means sex with a new person often starts out awkwardly—especially for women, who often have a harder time orgasming to begin with.

So if we’re not doing it for pleasure, why are we doing it?

Women often receive validation from feeling sexually desired—if a guy wants to bone them, they feel better about themselves. Some women also seek men with money, power, and popularity for sexual flings because they like being able to tell their friends that they “f*cked that.”

None of this is unhealthy, per se, but it is good to think about. We’re not saying you should evaluate your motivations when it’s last call at Heaven and Hell and you’re ovulating, but it’s not a bad idea to think about why you have one-night stands in general.

If you are doing it for validation and self-worth, it might be a good idea to seek these things elsewhere.

The fact of the matter is, sex doesn’t make you more beautiful or powerful or popular. Sex is supposed to provide sexual pleasure (and, technically, babies), and the more you get off, the easier it is to feel sexually satisfied at the end.

But the more you try and make sex into something else (i.e., a self-esteem boost), the more you lose the ability to enjoy the pleasurable physical sensations.

If you have the wrong attitude, one-night stands can leave you feeling frustrated and wanting something more. You went into it wanting to feel better about yourself, and you’re left feeling hot and bothered with no orgasm to speak of.

The Art of Meeting Men

The Art of Meeting MenAh, the 80s.

The decade where picking up men was as easy as channeling a 300 pound linebacker in a neon paisley sports jacket (that was a joke about shoulder pads, feel free to laugh).

A reader sent us a Youtube video taken from an 80s self-help movie by a dating coach in a floor-length dress that leaves everything to the imagination.

The outfits might be dated, but the advice withstands the test of time.

For example, if you have trouble meeting men, our data guru suggests carrying around, “a book with an unusual title, a small stuff animal [because nothing turns men on more than women who’ve regressed back to age 4], interesting pieces of jewelry [here she touches her own bland costume pearls], a pet, a sports jersey, a sports magazine, or a t-shirt with a slogan [unclear if you’re supposed to wear the t-shirt or just carry it around].”

A female sidekick with a lesbian vibe comes on to stress the importance of letting a man know that you’re interested. In the opening clip, woman A sits on a bench under a sign pointing people to a Subway (she’s in the city—get it??) with her legs crossed. An overweight man in an argyle sweater approaches the woman and thinks to himself, “Mm! Attractive woman. Just my type.” But then he sees her crossed legs and changes his mind. His interior monologue continues, “She sure looks like a b---” but then he stops himself because Reagan is watching!! “I don’t need that,” he concludes before storming away.

But after hearing the butch guru’s advice, woman A gets a second chance to make things right. She rubs her thighs and thinks, “What do I have to loose at this point? A rerun of Dallas [haha! Because Dallas was still on the air then!] and a pint of ice cream?”

She sits down next to the man (in a new outfit!) with a newspaper and asks, “Is there any good news today?” He tells her that there isn’t, and both sides throw down their newspapers and fall in love/plan to go into business together to start a newspaper that only tells good news (love and an entrepreneurial spirit—aww!!).

Other highlights include our blonde (and possibly Muslim) guru suggesting that you intentionally spill a drink on a man and get his number so that you can pay for his dry cleaning later. “But avoid spilling red wine!” she cautions. “You don’t want him to remember you for the wrong reasons.”

And an angry male guru clad in plaid explaining that men can be very shy. “Research show that 40 percent of men suffer from shyness,” he explains. “And 80 percent of men have been shy at one point in their lives.”

We’ve basically spoiled everything, but it’s still worth watching (and it’s only 3 minutes long).

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

A Second Word of Advice

A Second Word of AdviceLast week, we talked about the dangers of asking your friends for certain advice.

But an even more dangerous source of misinformation can often seem deceptively reliable: your new guy’s girl (space) friends.

When you meet a guy’s girl friend, it’s easy to bond over the fact that you both have breasts and vaginas. And, since most guys have more guy friends than girl friends, his girl friend’s estrogen might provide a much-need break from the usual night out with his friends (e.g., Testosterone Fest 2010).

You might really hit it off with one of his girl friends. And after a few nights of xx-chromosome bonding while you’re playing s.o., she might seem like the perfect person to tell you what’s really going on with him. After all, she’s known him longer, and she probably has some good insight.

The problem is that his friends’ loyalties almost always lie with him. You’re his plus-one first, their friend second.

If you and your guy called it quits tomorrow, chances are, you won’t get an invite to his best friend’s holiday party.

It might seem like those rules shouldn’t apply when his friend shares your gender. But it’s better to assume that they do, especially at first.

Girls tend to be good at socializing. They can be super sweet and make great conversation, even when they don’t really like the person they’re talking to.

That doesn’t mean that all of his girl friends are two-faced bitches. But it does mean that shouldn’t be too quick to assume that she wants to play relationship doctor.

You never know what she’s going to repeat to her friend/your boyfriend. You share some of your insecurities about the relationship (“I mean, he invites me out with his friends, like, all the time, but he never takes me out on dates, and sometimes he forgets to call…”), hoping that she’ll reassure you. And she might do that to your face (“Oh yeah, he’s sooo into you”), but then later share that conversation with the one person you wouldn’t want to find out (i.e., your guy).

Or she might genuinely be misinformed. You might ask her something like, “So, is he trying to date me? Or does he just, like, keep things casual?” Even if this girl seems really close with your boyfriend, she wouldn’t necessarily have access to this information. They might have heart-to-hearts all the time, but guys aren’t always the best at sharing feelings, especially if they’re unsure of where you stand. Or they might never talk about relationships, in which case, her guess is as good as yours. Maybe he wasn’t so into the last girl he dated, and maybe he’s said some things in the past that make her think that he’s looking the play the field. That doesn’t mean he feels the same way about you. In any case, you have no way of knowing whether her take on the situation is right.

And let’s not forget the worst-case scenario: she could be into this guy. Girls fall for their guy friends all the time—even when they’re in committed relationships—and, if you’re dealing with a friend with a crush, she’s probably not going to have your best interests at heart.

The bottom line is: you never know. So why risk it when you can’t trust her opinion any more than anyone else’s?

The Hardest Ways To Get A One Night Stand

The Hardest Ways To Get A One Night StandSometimes we just want to have some no strings attached sex, and a lot of times, women feel the exact same way. So, the question remains, why is it so damn hard to hook up? Maybe it’s because you’re looking in the wrong places.

Sports Bars: You figure that it’s a bar, not a club, so the people are more laid back and relaxed. The girls are probably more open to casual hook ups and you feel comfortable there so it should be easy. In reality, bars are the toughest places to pick up ladies for a one night stand because:

  • Her friends are there watching her. They’ll judge her if she goes home with a guy.
  • Other people see her there every week and if she goes home with you, she’ll seem like a slut.
  • She probably just wants to hang out and grab a drunk with a few friends, not get approached by some horny stranger.

So, if you want to meet a girl at a bar, you’ve got your work cut out for you. Approach her with friendly energy, like you already know her. Jump right into the conversation and talk to her and her friends before you pull her away.

Dance clubs: You figure the only reason a woman would get dressed up like that and get drunk is if she wanted to meet guys. However, some girls actually go to clubs to dance with their friends and those ladies don’t want to be bothered. However, there is an obstacle you didn’t predict:

  • The club scene has its own rules and if you’re not in it, you will stick out like a sore thumb.
  • The hottest women in the clubs are all in the club scene and know all of the important people. If you aren’t in the scene, she can’t go home with you. Its negative points to her credibility in the scene.

Meeting women online: You figure that a lot of women don’t like bars and clubs and that there must be plenty of chicks online. However, it’s tough as hell to meet women because:

  • Women are bombarded with messages.
  • Imagine every time you logged into an internet dating site and there were 30 messages waiting for you; you would be self absorbed.
  • These women are itching for a man to commit to a long and steady relationship before she has sex with him.

The Girl's Guide to Getting Off: In Bed

The Girl's Guide to Getting Off: In BedComing is easier for guys.

It’s not fair, but it’s true. It probably has something to do with social constructs: the fact that it’s more socially acceptable for guys to jerk off and to start masturbating at a younger age. It might also have something to do with the fact that a male orgasm is necessary from an evolutionary standpoint. A woman doesn’t have to come to make a baby. A guy does.

It often takes women longer to learn how to have an orgasm. And when they do finally figure out what gets them off, they can’t always climax during coitus.

Some girls expect to orgasm the first time they have sex. And some do, but, for the rest of us, it doesn’t come that easily.

Maybe you’ve never had an orgasm before. Maybe you can only have one when it’s just you and your vibrator. Maybe you only come when a guy goes down on you. And maybe you come from just thinking about sex and have no idea what we’re talking about.

The fact is (and we know you’ve heard this a million times), it’s all normal. Orgasming is much more of a (for lack of a better word) skill that takes some women longer to learn.

And it really is something you have to teach yourself how to do. There’s no magic do-this-and-you-will-orgasm-every-time technique. It takes a lot of experimenting to find a way to reach climax with a partner. And it takes even more work to orgasm from plain vanilla penis-in-vagina sex.

Why do we bring this up? Because the more we talk to women about sex, the more we realize that there are a lot of post-pubescent women who’ve never even had an orgasm. Or they’re not sure if they have. Or they want to have them more regularly, or from sex, or on their own.

This is something that’s not always easy to talk about with friends. And it’s not something that’s easily cured by masturbation, no matter how many virgin sex columnists write their first column about how “outraged” they are that female masturbation is such a taboo subject, and the fact that they masturbate all the time (and are in fact probably masturbating to their own perceived profundity while writing said clichéd column), and how every girl’s sexual problems would all be solved if she simply had the courage to introduce herself to everyone she met by saying, “Hi, I’m Jane, and don’t worry about shaking my hand, because I always wash them after my frequent masturbation sessions.”

If that gets you off, great. But if it doesn’t, and you’re looking for ways to amp up your orgasms, read on. We’re going to talk a lot about orgasms a lot in the upcoming weeks, but today, we’re going to talk about girls who know how to orgasm but have trouble climaxing from intercourse alone.

First, figure out what does get you off. What’s the quickest, easiest way for you to come? Whatever that is, try to incorporate it into intercourse.

Maybe your nipples are the key to peak arousal. Maybe you get off when a guy strokes your inner thighs. Either stimulate those areas yourself during sex, or ask your partner to do it for you.

This is where some girls start to feel shy. They think a guy will be turned off if he finds out that they have foot fetishes or like getting a finger in their back doors.

But here’s what they don’t know: guys love it when their partners get off.

For guys, orgasms are a pretty regular occurrence. Most guys that we know jerk off at least a few times a week, some do it daily. They pretty much have a routine down and can get off fast. And while the sensation might be different in a mouth or a vagina, at the end of the day, an orgasm is an orgasm.

So why are guys obsessed with sex? For them, it’s less about the orgasm, which they can get whenever they want, and more about the other things that come with sex: namely, getting to see a real live naked girl, and feeling sexually desired.

Guys can’t make themselves feel sexually desired with their hands. And that’s why the love it when girls are really into doing them, because it’s the one part of sex you really can’t fake. Every guy wants to feel like he’s amazing in bed, and the louder you are, the more he can believe he’s a sex god.

So if you know something that’ll work for you, don’t be shy. Don’t say, “Um, so, I was wondering if you could, like, finger me while we’re doing it.” Instead, provide clear directions, and say something like, “You know, if you rub my clit while I’m fucking you, it’ll really make me scream.”

Of course, some of these conversations will feel more natural if you wait till you’re in the middle of the act. You’re both hot and bothered, your inhibitions are lowered, and most guys get turned on when women are assertive in bed.

But if you don’t know what works for you, here’s a hint: clitoral stimulation.

For most girls, the clitoris is the shortest path to orgasm. The problem is, standard positions (like missionary, girl on top, reverse cowgirl, etc.) usually don’t do anything for this sexual organ.

If you can find a way to stimulate your clitoris during penetration, you have a better chance of having an orgasm.

Women’s magazines always ntell you that if you rub your clitoris during sex, you’ll come. That works for some people, but it’s not a guarantee.

Here’s a trick one of our friends taught us: if you get on top and lean really far forward (so that you’re almost lying on top of your partner), you can rub your clitoris up against his penis as you’re moving up and down the shaft. It takes some positioning, and you may have to hold the lips of your vagina apart to make sure you’re getting full contact, but once you’re set up, the sensation is similar to what you’d feel if you were grinding up against him in a naked make-out (only more intense).

We’ll share a few more easy-to-orgasm positions later this week. But let us know if this one works for you at datethedistrict@gmail.com.

Erotic Asphyxiation: Why do People Do it?

Erotic Asphyxiation: Why do People Do it?We have all seen a lot of deaths in the news within the past few years that have to do with erotic asphyxiation. There have been so many families and death reports that have come clean about certain deaths from MP Stephen Milligan to TV Presenter Kristian Digby who all died from asphyxia masturbation.

A lot of us are wondering why some people would do something so dangerous so we are going to take a look at why it can be desirable to many people.

First, it can increase sexual pleasure. There is a sudden loss of oxygen to the brain which increases light headedness and giddiness, all of which heightens a sexual experience. With the lack of oxygen, combined with the endorphins released at orgasm, a lack of oxygen can induce a semi hallucinogenic states called hypoxia. It can be as powerful as cocaine.

A relationship psychologist says that the pleasure becomes so addictive. "Because it`s so strongly tied to physicality, it has a huge impact on the body," she says, "It`s like taking a drug. As with all addictions, when you`re not doing it you start to fantasize about doing it. You know exactly what you`re getting yourself into, but at the end it doesn`t matter."

It is a known fact that people who practice this have risk oriented personalities. It is estimated that there are between 500-1000 deaths from this per year in the US. They also tend to be predominately male.

A renowned sexual therapist says bondage and sado-masochistic fetishes are often subconsciously related to childhood trauma. A lot of the people who are involved with this type of act are often from broken homes where they had no or little parental influence. She believes it makes people feel like they`re in total control. "It allows them to feel absolved of any responsibility, guilt or worry. It`s about a struggle with life. They could work through their issues in a normal way, of course, talking to counsellors or using self help books."

Ultimately, it is a very dangerous practice, so if you or someone you know is involved with it, you need to throw up a red flag and help this person before it is too late.

Should I Come Bearing Gifts?

Should I Come Bearing Gifts?Dear Date the District,

I’m seeing this guy, and he wants me to meet his mom. We’re going out to dinner next week, and his younger brother is coming along. In the past, I’ve always met the bf’s parents at their houses, and I’ll bring wine or dessert or something. Should I bring anything to the restaurant? And, if so, what should I bring for the brother?

If you’re eating a meal at someone else’s house, you should always bring a gift—regardless of whether or not you’re sleeping with someone at the table.

But these gifts should be more edible and less specific, like the bottle of wine/dessert. If you show up with gifts for Mom and Little Joey, and, unbeknownst to you (and possibly even the bf), Grandma decides to come along, you won’t have anything to give her (which will just make your situation worse).

But when you’re going to a restaurant, you can’t really bring a hostess gift (unless it’s BYOB, which we kind of doubt will be the case for you).

Yes, it makes you feel less awkward when you can show up and hand the person you’re trying to impress a trinket of your affection. And it certainly makes for a favorable first impression.

But you can’t really bring a neutral, please-like-me present to a restaurant, and the family certainly won’t be expecting one.

In fact, a gift might make you look like too much of a kiss-ass, and no one wants to feel like her approval can be bought.

Our advice? Show up empty-handed, and let your personality win them over. When you ask people questions about themselves and really listen to what they say/follow up with more questions, they’ll be just as charmed as they would be if you showed up with a $30 bottle of wine.

How to Get Over a Guy

How to Get Over a GuyWhenever a relationship ends, we always wish things had played out exactly the opposite of how they actually did.

If you had to break things off, you think about how easy it would have been if the guy had pulled the plug.

If you were dumped, you wish youcould’ve been the one to say, “I don’t think this is working…”

Earlier this week,we talked about what you can do to ease the sting if you’re the one doing the dumping.

But what if you’re the one who’s getting burned, and it’s coming out of nowhere?

It’s easy to fantasize about how you could have responded (which is always perfect and the exact opposite of how you actually did respond). It’s nice to imagine running into him a few months from now, and having him apologize/beg you to take him back.

When most people get dumped, they spend a lot of time waiting for the explanation and apology. They convince themselves that if the guy could only tell them why he wasn’t interested and apologize for any wrongdoing, they’d be over it in a second.

But the justification/apology rarely has this effect in real life.

Let’s say your ex-boyfriend calls you up to explain what went wrong. He could say, “Look, I really like you, but I’m not over my ex.” And then you’ll wonder why you couldn’t help him get over his ex, and you’ll look back for the warning signs, and maybe you’ll even convince yourself that you can win him back with this knowledge. This revelation didn’t heal all wounds—if anything, you’re probably going to become more obsessed/emotionally invested.

And the fact of the matter is, you’ll never know if he’s telling the truth. He could say it’s about his ex when it’s really about your webbed feet.

But the biggest issue is, when you convince yourself that you’re not going to get over a guy until he apologizes, you’re putting all the power in his hands. And how can you get over someone who holds so much control over you?

That’s why the apology also rarely has the calming effect we expect it to. You’ve probably had at least one guy apologize for dicking you over. And did it really change how you felt?

The best way to get over someone is to do it on y our own terms—to take control of the situation and move on because you want to, not because he gives you permission to.

Speaking of last words, this is ours for the next two weeks. We’ll be on vacation until March 29, but check back in then.

A Few Words on Lubrication

A Few Words on LubricationOur friend recently started dating a guy who’s much bigger than her previous boyfriends.

Sex becomes painful when she has it every day, but because they’re still in the bone-on-site stage of their relationship, she wasn’t quite sure what to do.

When we mentioned lube, she told us that they’d tried that. “He uses a lot of spit,” she explained.

“Well,” we said, “there’s your problem.”

Remember when you got chapped lips as a kid and your mom forbid you from licking them? It felt so good that you didn’t believe her when she said it’d hurt more later.

Saliva dries out your skin, which is why chapped lips get worse when you lick them. The same is true for your vagina. Spit might feel like a good lubricant when it’s wet, but when it dries, you loose moisture too.

That’s why it might be easy for him to get it in, but painful for you five minutes later.

If you’re having problems with lubrication, you should really invest in a gentle lube. Water-based lubricants, like KY jelly, are mild on the skin, and if you’re too embarrassed to ask a pharmacist to ring that up, baby oil works too (although the smell isn’t exactly sensual).

Be careful, though: any lubricants with added ingredients can irritate your skin, and you’re dealing with one of the most sensitive parts of your body. If you want to try something that promises any sort of “sensation” (e.g., warming sensation, extended pleasure), you might want to test it ahead of time. Rub a tiny bit on your vagina, and if it starts to burn, jump in the shower.

The bottom line is: most of us have a hard time accommodating large penises, and it takes a while to adjust to regular sex after a dry spell. The vagina is, after all, a muscle. Don’t be afraid to ask for lube, and don’t be shy about forbidding him from using saliva. It’s better for both of you in the long run.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Best of the District: The Best Place to Pick Up Prostitution: The Four Seasons

Best of the District: The Best Place to Pick Up Prostitution: The Four SeasonsIn the mood to mingle with Z-list celebrities and congressmen you’ve never heard?

Neither were we when we found ourselves sipping champagne at the bar at the Four Seasons Tuesday night.

To our surprise, it was packed, and while we have to hand it to them for making a weeknight feel like Friday, the scene was so sleazy that we thought we’d walked onto the set of an 80s DC thriller.

The bar itself had the whole dim lighting, minimal décor, and low couches that practically scream, “We don’t sell beer for less than ten dollars.” (Although our date was happy to learn that an Amstel was only 6 bucks.)

The crowd was decidedly older: a mix of thirty-somethings and really old men who looked like they’d snuck out of their nursing homes for the night. Men (who far outnumbered women) clumped around the bar in sharp suits and watches you don’t wear when you’re in it to help people.

The women all looked like aspiring actresses. They’d lost their natural youthful beauty, and they all seemed to have independently decided that the best way to get it back would be to flat-iron their hair and then go back in and curl a few random clumps. (We seriously didn’t know people wore their hair like that outside of TV.) Their skin-tight dresses all stopped two centimeters below their vaginas. We were a little worried no one would be able to tell any of them apart.

We watched a New England Senator hit on a very pleasantly plump lush who was having trouble mixing gravity with a barstool. Every so often, we’d see one of the women help one of the octogenarians shuffle upstairs. And then we started wondering: are these women prostitutes?

While they probably weren’t charging by the hour, they definitely weren’t working pro bono.

We needed a break from the busboys in tuxes (who, by the way, were all black), so we headed out to forest of Christmas trees lining the lobby. Our momentary nostalgia for New England holiday traditions was quickly shattered by the plastic placards next to each tree.

Each one had a picture of the tree’s decorator (who coincidently owned some over-priced boutique in Bethesda) hugging a young child. Underneath the picture, there was a brief blurb promoting the store and then a longer section with stats on the child’s horrible illness. This included details like how the illness was progressing. We’re not really sure that little Tommy would want all the guests at the Four Seasons to know that he only has five months to live, but someone apparently decided that this was relevant information.

This was when we knew it was time to pay our bill and leave. And when the check came, we finally realized why those women were blowing grandpas for kick-backs. They were probably just trying to pay their tabs.

Girl Friends: A Follow Up

Girl Friends: A Follow UpYesterday, one of our readers wrote in in response to yesterday's post.

I think your characterization of girl (space) friends of guy friends is not only wrong but plays into reinforcing societal misconceptions about integrating sex into male/female relationships and gives women in general, a bad name. I think that while yes, that can be true for some girls, it’s unfair to say even that most girls are that way. I have a lot of guy friends that I have zero sexual tension/chemistry with, that I would happily play wingwoman for and help set them up with interested girls. All of my female friends are the same way. A lot of us are like brother and sister and have our friends’ best interests at heart - and so if the girl is awesome, we'll hook it up. Just wanted to let you know that women are not all scheming, conniving and territorial.

We totally agree. While we think you have to watch out for girls who are a little territorial, this reader is right. Not all girls are going to sabotage your relationship with their guy friends (just as not all girls are going to be as eager to hook you up).

But we also think this reader pointed out something that we should have emphasized more yesterday. “If the girl is awesome,” she says, “we’ll hook it up.”

The problem is, it’s hard to look awesome if you seem like you’re obsessed with a girl’s friend.

We were on the receiving end of this a lot in college. We had a close guy friend who had a penchant for convincing girls that they were in love with him, and these girls would try to get in with us by saying, “Hey, nice to meet you, I’m in love with Zack.”

If you legitimately treat these girls as friends and show them how cool you are, you can eventually broach the subject of their guy friend’s love life. But if you don’t even pretend to be remotely interested in their friendship, why would these girls want to help you out?

If you pretend to befriend these girls and drop the crush bomb too quickly, it doesn’t reflect well on you. And think of it this way: if a (seemingly) crazy girl came up to you and demanded that you hook her up with one of your friends, how would you feel?

No one wants to feel like she's being used. So if you want to get to know that cute guy’s girl friends and then ask for their help, you’ll have a higher rate of success.

But the other issue is, it’s hard to tell which girls are going to help you out and which ones aren’t. And while our reader certainly has the right attitude, the girls who don’t are sometimes really good at disguising their true motives.

If there’s no other way to get in with this guy, appealing to his girl (space) friends might be worth a shot. But we’ve all had at least one girl promise to hook us up with her friend, and two weeks later she’s dating the guy in question.

So there aren’t any hard and fast rules when it comes to using a friend as an in. But the more genuine you can be in pursuing these girl’s friendships, the further it’ll get you in the long run.

Sex Mistakes For Unhappy Couples

Sex Mistakes For Unhappy CouplesSex mistakes are something that happens in every relationship, especially if two people have been together for any real length of time. There are some problems that guys and gals have that can cause distress in the relationship, or maybe even end it completely.

Waiting to get in the mood: Many people in dating relationships wait to get in the right mood before having sex. Waiting for the mood to strike will definitely make for an incredibly hot evening, and the chances of it actually happening are few and far between. For many people, day to day life gets in the way of sexual intimacy and it`s difficult to get into the mood after a long day at work. Instead of waiting for the mood to hit you, try setting a date for sex and do it whether you feel like it or not.

Foregoing trying something new: If you are stuck in a "comfort zone" you`re certainly not alone. Break out of your rut by trying new things instead of sticking to what you know. Use your creativity! No matter what you do, don`t get stick doing the same over and over in the bedroom; it`s time to mix it up.

Thinking sex education is for beginners: People who have been doing it for a while seem to believe that reading up on sex or how to give their partner an orgasm is for beginners. Instead of thinking that you already know how to push your partners pleasure buttons, try ready a little bit on how to go down on your partner to get them begging for more.

Thinking sex is a means to an end: After being with someone for a while you stop relishing every moment you`re naked with your partner. You`ve seen her naked a thousand times and this can often put you in a very compromising situation. This usually leads people to feel less like taking their time with foreplay and more like doing it just to get an orgasm.

Withholding sex: Women are notorious for withholding sex from their lovers when they`re angry. Doing this to punish your guy wont do a damn thing besides keeping you from having an amazing orgasm. Instead, tell him what you`re upset about instead of being passive aggressive. Everyone knows that some of the best sex is after a huge fight!

Survey the District: Online Dating Advice?

Survey the District: Online Dating Advice?Today's question comes from one of our male readers (sorry if the picture was misleading for some of you).

Hey

Been searching for best way to meet new people for dating online. But is seems like there are so many losers out there and I just don' know where to start.

I've checked into dating sites like Match.com but they really don't seem to work that well.

What's your experience been. Any suggestion would be most appreciated.

Our regular readers know we’ve always been advocates of free dating sites.

The problem with Match, eHaromny, and other subscription sites is that, by requiring users to pay in, they attract people who are both so desperate to find someone that they’ll drop cash on the promise of potentially meeting someone they might like, and also more interested in cashing in their investment.

On the paid dating sites, everyone knows what you’re there for, and people are looking to make the most if it before their subscriptions expire.

This encourages unattractive behavior. People have an incentive to move fast, and, because they’ve paid money, they feel like they’re owed something.

On free dating sites, you’re more likely to get people who are just curious, testing the waters, and not overly committed to finding The One in cyberspace.

That doesn’t necessarily mean that users on the free sites will be more datable or desirable, but it does mean they’ll probably interact in a different manner. Their profile’s not going away if they forget to pay, so there’s no need to message you back immediately. They don’t need to arrange dates that week because they’re not even sure if this is the answer in the first place.

But it is important to realize that your zip code is probably the biggest factor in the success (or failure) in your foray into online dating.

If you live in a large metropolitan area, you’re going to find more potential matches than you will in a rural area. A bigger population means more options, whether you’re going to house parties or browsing the internet.

But why are you so quick to label other users as “losers?” In most cities, there’s actually a high percentage of “normal” people who have jobs, hobbies, lives, and, in some cases, dignity, that prevent them from attending singles mixers or hiring a matchmaker.

Diving into the online dating pool usually requires an open mind—after all, those of us who grew up with the internet were always taught to be on the lookout for pedophiles and other dangerous criminals lurking behind a mask of deception and online anonymity. 

You have to get past that, and realize that most of the people who sign up for these sites are probably more like you—looking to meet someone, but not interested in dropping everything for your search.

Online dating’s biggest selling point is convenience—it’s easier than getting set up and there’s a bigger selection than you’d find at a random bar (and meeting people in bars is a terrible idea to begin with).

Simply put, our advice is to sign up for a few free websites and see how it goes. Message a few women and go out on a few dates. If it’s not for you, it’s not the end of the world. But we bet you’ll find it’s way easier than calling that girl your mother’s been talking up for years.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

How To Avoid Falling For a Craigslist Weirdo

How To Avoid Falling For a Craigslist WeirdoWhen you are looking romance and casual hookups online, the easiest free dating site to look for them is on Craigslist. However, there are a lot of weirdos, spammers and psychos using the Casual Encounters sections of Craigslist on a regular basis.

When you are seeking someone to have online chat conversations with on Craigslist, there are certain things you need to know before setting yourself up for disappointment. Here is a small list of ads of should avoid when seeking a connection over Craigslist.

Avoid Poorly Spelled Ads

Most spammers have ads that feature grammatically incorrect phrases and headlines. You might see "Horny and Lonly" or "looking for some fon." If you reply to them, you will most likely be spammed with porn ads on your home computer. And if they`re not spammers, do you really want to date someone who can`t even spell the word ‘fun?` Yeah, I didn`t think so.

Pay Attention To Details

If you are looking at ads with a lot of personal details, then you are most likely talking to a real person. However, don`t expect to talk to her in a while, since most pretty girls usually have over 200 replies to go through. However, you can have your pick of BBWs if you want.

Beware of the Bots

There are some spam bots that actually have convincing ads but don`t be fooled. If you see a couple of words highlighted, it`s simply to promote for their services for their companies. You are not talking to a person, but rather you are talking to a spammer company.

Overall, I would just highly recommend you avoid CRAIGSLIST all together unless you are looking for a great deal on 42″ Flat Screen TV.