Note: Links to uncensored slides at the bottom of the post.
By now, most of you have probably heard of the Duke alum who either popped an Adderall the night before a huge final or took one too many Biz Com classes and decided to document her sexual conquests in a surprisingly businesslike PowerPoint presentation.
Certain “media” outlets (cough Gawker cough) have been ripping the aforementioned femme fatale (better known as Karen F. Owen, apparently not to be confused with the myriad of other Karen Owens else there/a lesson in why you should never include your middle name in your Facebook identity, lest you too find yourself enshrined in a similar “scandal” and Facebook search renders you unable to bask in anonymity) to shreds, but we don’t really see what all the fuss is about.
Yes, it’s embarrassing, and yes, parents/grandparents/future employers can now find all sorts of anatomical information on Ms. Owen and her band of 13, but, to us, this PowerPoint presentation is, at the least, highly entertaining, and, at most, pretty informative.
The evaluations of each “subject” and description of each “encounter” include such brutally honest assessments of her own performance that we’re inclined to take most of her conclusions at face value. (One review has the author basically admitting that the highlight of her hookup had nothing to do with sex—it was being surrounded by hot lax gods who were telling her how hot she was. We’ve all been there—it just takes balls to admit it.)
And it’s men, not women, who stand to benefit most from Ms. Owen’s backbreaking research.1. Bigger DOES NOT equal better. We know you guys grew up with
Sex and the City, and watching Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte, and Miranda traipse through Manhattan in search of he biggest package has convinced you that size is all that matters to women. Size is an issue, but you’re more likely to hear a girl complain about a guy being too big than you are too small.
The bigger a guy is, the more likely it’s gonna hurt. Ms. Owen describes sex with her best-endowed subject as “a tad painful” and gives him one of lowest score on the charts—4/10.
So stop opening those e-mails promising you 10 inches of hard, pulsing manhood, mkay?
2. Exude enthusiasm—for her. The French-Canadian finishes dead last for being cheap with the kisses (“did not even bother to kiss me for more than a few seconds”) and generally ignoring her afterwards. He may only have been looking for a one-night stand, but now his name’s plastered all over the internet as the worst one girl’s ever had. On the other hand, most of the top-scorers earned points for doling out compliments. Ms. Owen gushes about how one guy ran his hands all over her body, and when she confronted him about it, he said, “Shh… I’m just trying to explore this body…”
Ms. Owen’s presentation also brings up something we’re hesitant to talk about: insecurity. Ms. Owen herself plainly admits to being “susceptible to compliments” and going home with a guy just because he said she was hot. Suffice it to say that the average woman’s self-esteem is probably lower than that of the average man, and everyone likes a boost in confidence.
If you want to come off as a top-notch lover, pay attention to her. Tell her she’s sexy, don’t skimp on the lip-to-lip contact (even after foreplay’s over), rub your fingers all over her body. The sexier you make her feel, the sexier she’ll think you are. Even if it’s a one-night stand, pretend (and act) like she’s the girl of your dreams.
Keep the compliments coming mid-coitus. Tell her when it feels good. Tell her you love it when she does
that. This will help her relax, feel more confident, and enjoy herself. Need proof? Read Ms. Owen’s evaluation of subject 9.
Ms. Owen also claims that one subject blew her away with “intense eye contact” throughout sex. We’re a little wary of this one, as we see the potential for disaster, but it might be something to whip out every once in a while.3. Don’t peace out afterwards. Ms. Owen also seems to bump scores based on how boys behaved post-hookup. The ones who stayed to chat
always got higher scores than the ones who “had to get up early.” In theory, these scores are supposed to be about sex alone (well, technically, “hook-ups,” but we’re going to go ahead and call that the same thing), but this shows that 1) sex is more about the in-and-out and 2) our perception of another person’s skill in bed have a lot more to do with us than them. When Ms. Owens thinks back on the night with the French-Canadian, the way she felt (i.e., shitty) stands out more than anything else, which makes her remember things as being worse than they actually were. (She claims he came off as rude in the taxi home, but the fact that she still went home with him leaves us to suspect that his bad manners seemed more pronounced after the fact, when she was reflecting on the whole evening.)4. Try something new. Ms. Owens raves about one subject, who takes her to have sex in new places (e.g., the library) and introduces her to new positions that “seemed ingeniously innovative.”
Women often feel the need to mask (or at least downplay) their sexuality. The SATC girls may have spent all day talking about vibrators, orgasms, and porn, but a surprisingly large number of women feel awkward talking about this stuff, even with close friends.
But most girls enjoy going crazy when it comes it sex–it makes them feel like powerful sexual beings. Women like to cling to the illusion that they can snare men with sex, and giving an upside-down blowjob in a packed library makes that dream feel attainably close.
So suggest something that goes beyond plain vanilla, and remain assertive, up to a certain point, when she starts to protest. Because women don’t tend to be as comfortable with sexuality, she might not say yes right away. But as long as she’s giggling and putting up less-than-radical protests, keep going with it. (When she breaks out the mace, back down.)
Tell her you’ve always wanted to do it outside, or in your car, or at your office. Consult Google, books, and your friends for advice on new positions. But do everyone a favor and avoid blind experimentation and/or porn. Just because can picture it doesn’t mean it’ll work, and just because it’s sexy when Audrey Bitoni does it doesn’t mean it won’t be awkward when your girlfriend tries it.
Also, be wary of dirty talk. When used effectively, it can be incredibly sexy, but it’s really easy to sound ridiculous, especially with a one-night stand. Like the (white) Red Sox player who kept saying, “Tell me how much you like big black cocks.” When you’re with someone you trust, it doesn’t matter, but when it’s a girl you picked up at a bar, well… you end up on the internet.
5. Build anticipation. After having sex in the library, one of Ms. Owen’s subjects goes on to take her on, “the most erotic walk of my life.”
How does he do it? He just puts her panties in his pocket and makes her walk across campus. OK, so you might not have those tricks at your disposal, but the key is to get things to the point where, “we both wanted each other so badly we almost couldn’t wait.”
Because girls are more about the mental than the physical, thinking about what’s coming is usually better than actually coming (well, almost). The key is to get her hot and bothered long before you reach your final destination.
Try slow, sensual make-outs in a public place that’s at least 20 minutes from any potential bedroom. Whenever things are about to turn PG-13, pull back. Stroke her hair. Tell her she looks beautiful. Draw it out. Make her feel like she wants you as much as you want her.
6. 6. Take control. Only one subject receives a score above 10, and what’s it for? “Him COMPLETELY taking control, throwing me around like I weighed nothing, dominating me, grabbing my hair…”
Most people like to be dominated (in a sexual sense anyway), regardless of gender. So if you want to be good in bed, the best thing you can do is fulfill that need—whether you’re a guy or a girl.
But this is perhaps more true for men. As we’ve discussed before, women sometimes feel shy and timid when it comes to sex, especially when they’re with a new partner. Make her feel like you know the ropes, and show her the way, while you’re at it.
7. 7. Suggest the shower. Most girls that we know love showering, but understand that actual penetration in the shower requires a delicate balance of proportions, and if looks like it’s not going to work, go back to anything but before it gets awkward.
“I had always shied away from [showers with guys]…as I felt as though it would make me look terrible (false, as demonstrated by a later repeat with Subject 9) and expose my flaws (false, it hides them even better).” Guys, this might not mean much at first glance, but it’s one of the most important sentences you’ll ever read in your life.
Here’s a secret: woman are always looking for ways to look/feel skinner. If you can convince yours that the shower is one of them, you’ll be getting warm-water blowjobs for the foreseeable future. If you’ve read tip 2, this should be obvious, but we’ll say it again—complement her! In the shower! Tell her how sexy she looks. If you really want to wow her, say something like, “You’re so skinny! I need to get you a sandwich.”
To anyone who disagrees with Ms. Owen’s advice, we say: haters gonna hate.
Check out the uncensored (and slightly out-of-order) slides here and here.